This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast
Episode 53: Top 5 Things I've Learned About Raising Teens
Episode Summary:
5 Secrets of Parenting Teens
In this special anniversary episode of 'This is Going to Be Fun', let’s celebrate and reflect on everything we have learned over the past year. I’m sharing the top 5 things I have learned about parenting teens over the past year as a coach and mom of 6.
Discover the crucial element that could be undermining your impact as a parent, why you might be missing out on your teen’s awesomeness and why you might feel like nothing you do is even making a difference.
Plus, I’m revealing the unexpected group of teens that NEED us to shift our parenting approach and why most parents miss the chance to improve this relationship. Who are they? Tune in to find out!
This is an episode that'll help you see your teen and your parenting journey in a whole new light. Thanks for all you have done this year to support the This is Going to be FUN podcast! Your ratings and reviews and shares mean the world to me!
5 Secrets of Parenting Teens
Celebrating 1 Year of the “This is Going to Be FUN” podcast
I’ve learned a lot about raising teenagers over the past year. I have coached dozens of parents, researched and prepared 52 podcast episodes about raising teenagers and tested everything I have learned with my own 6 kids.
And as much as I have grown as a coach, podcaster and business owner, I have grown the most as a mom. In honor of the 1-year anniversary of the “This is going to be FUN” podcast today, I am sharing the top 5 insights and teenage tips I have learned about raising teens over the past year.
Top 5 Teenage Tips – Lessons I’ve Learned This Year About Raising Teens
1. Good teens aren’t always ok
The well-behaved teens who get good grades, excel in extracurriculars, have good friends and make generally good decisions are usually not the ones that motivate parents to improve.
But often these teens who seem to be thriving are desperate for acceptance. They are craving our love and approval and think the only way to get it is by being the perfect child.
As I have applied the principles I teach in my own parenting, I have noticed the biggest shift with my well-behaved, well-adjusted kids.
While the outward measures of success haven’t changed much, my relationship with them has completely transformed. I have seen their confidence soar as they have learned that they are safe and loved just the way they are.
The work we do here and inside my ENJOY community is especially important for the “well-behaved” teens. Don’t make the mistake of thinking things are fine the way they are while your teen suffers silently! The teenage tips you need for these teens are different, but still SO important.
2. Motivation Matters
Why you parent the way you do is WAY more important than what you do. You can try all the teenage tips in the world, but nothing will work if you don’t have the right motivation.
Your motivation behind the things you say, the things you do, the rules you make and the consequences you give is EVERYTHING when it comes to how it impacts your teen.
Just by being aware of your motivation, you can eliminate so many of the power struggles you have with your teen and so much of the frustration you feel.
3. Don’t miss the good stuff
There is so much goodness to be found in every stage of parenting, but often we miss out on it because we are so focused on the hard stuff.
If I go for a walk around my neighborhood with the intention of looking for hearts, I find hearts everywhere. I find heart-shaped flowers, heart-shaped tar on the road, heart-shaped leaves, heart-shaped rocks and heart-shaped cacti. But when I go on the same walk, not looking for hearts, I usually don’t notice a single heart.
Whatever you are looking for, you will find. So one of my best teenage tips is to make sure you are actively looking for the good in your teen!
4. We have so much to learn from our teenagers
Most teenagers think they know everything, and most parents think it is their job to prove them wrong. But the truth is, your teen has so much to contribute, if you are willing to listen and learn from them.
They are navigating a world we don’t fully understand – and, for the most part, they are doing it so well! They are excellent at accepting differences and loving people for who they are. They are great at adapting and navigating change. We can learn so much from them!
I have stopped thinking that I always know best and really embraced the idea that my teenagers have a lot of insight to contribute. As a result, there have been less power struggles and together we have worked together and found better solutions.
5. Change takes time
We don’t always see the impact of the changes we are making in the moment. But small changes made consistently have a significant impact on our parenting over time.
It is so fun to watch my clients become more aware of the patterns in their thinking and to see the way their parenting approach changes as they apply the principles we are learning over time.
What have you learned?
Sometimes, we only see the impact of our efforts when we look back, so I encourage you to look back over your past year.
- How has your perspective changed?
- What have you learned from your experiences that will help you moving forward?
The answer to these questions is the most important thing you can take away from this because it will help you see and celebrate how far you’ve come and give you the motivation you need to keep going!
I am cheering you on every step of the way. If you want more help from me applying these principles to your own parenting, I would love to work with you inside of my ENJOY community. Join today to get immediate access.
Mentioned on the Show:
- Want help applying everything you are learning on the podcast to your unique family situation? Get personal help from me inside the ENJOY Coaching Community. Join now for immediate access.
- Follow me on Instagram and Facebook
Podcast Transcript
And as we celebrate the one year anniversary of the, this is Going to Be Fun podcast I wanna remind you that if you are enjoying what you learn here, if it is helping you in your parenting, if it is helping you in your life, there is so much more where that came from inside of my Enjoy community https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership, and I invite you to join us in there. In the Enjoy community, we dive even deeper into all the concepts that I share here on the podcast, and I give you really practical, simple strategies to help you teach your teen emotional health skills just by the way you interact with them, the way you parent them, and the way you live your life. Plus enjoy is where you can get personalized help from me about the challenges that you are facing in your parenting and in your life. And that, of course, is my favorite part, is actually connecting with you one-on-one and helping you through those challenges. Now let's jump right into today's topic because I am so excited about this one. I thought long and hard about what to do for the one year anniversary episode of this is going to be fun. And while I had a lot of great ideas, I'm really excited that I landed on this one because I have learned. So much in the last year since starting this podcast, and I really wanted to share with you some of those key things that I have learned. I mean, of course I've grown in my coaching skills. I've learned how to record and edit and publish a podcast. I've learned so much about technology and running a business. But by far the most important things that I have learned have been about how to be a better parent to my own teenagers. My own parenting in the last year has grown leaps and bounds as I have studied and researched ideas and topics to share with you and applied them in my life so I could test it and see the impact of it in my own family. The other day I was working on pool chemicals in my backyard and I decided I should go swimming. I hadn't been swimming really the whole summer long, and I thought, I'm gonna take some time this morning to go swimming. So I went and got my swimsuit on, went out to the pool, and my husband came with me and we were just, Hanging out in the pool chatting, and I would be in the pool for a little bit and then I'd go to the shade, and then I'd be in the pool for a little bit and go to the shade. And I was only out there for maybe a half hour, 45 minutes, and I didn't think anything of it until later that day. Something touched my shoulder and I realized I was sunburned. And then the next day I went to put my purse on my shoulder and realized I was sunburned pretty badly. Now in the moment when I was in the pool, I didn't even notice that I was getting sunburned. I didn't feel hot. I didn't feel like I had to get out of the sun. I didn't feel like I was there for very long, but even though I didn't notice it while it was happening, nevertheless, I was still getting sunburned. And I've thought about how this relates to us as parents. We don't always see the impact of the changes that we are making in the moment. We do these things. We learn them on a podcast, or we read them in an article or see a post on Instagram, and we try these new strategies or tips for being a better parent, and we don't really see the impact or effect of that sometimes for a long time. But that doesn't mean that there isn't an impact happening. It doesn't mean that we aren't making a difference. Sometimes the changes are so small and so subtle that as they compound over time, they make a huge, huge difference in our kids' lives and in our own lives. So I wanna share with you some of the things that, looking back I didn't notice what a big deal they were. But now, after a year, I can see how they are changing my family and changing my relationship with my teens. The first thing I have learned this year is that the kids who seem okay aren't always okay. And in fact, the ones who seem to be doing really well, who seem to be thriving are the ones who, when we make these changes as a parent -all of these things that I teach you- when we apply them in our parenting, those are the kids that have such a drastic change in their life over time. These kids need us to change because they're not showing us the signs of distress. They are good students. They make good choices. They're kind, they have friends. They do what they're supposed to do, and so we don't realize what is happening with them below the surface and how we are negatively impacting them, that they are just pushing down and ignoring and going on anyway. So many of these kids are behaving in this way just because all they want from us is our love and approval, and they don't feel like they can get it in any other way. I have a few of these kids that live in my home, and while there aren't a lot of outward evidences of the change that has happened over the last year, as I have really sought to apply these principles in my own parenting and in my own life, I have noticed a drastic change in the relationship I have with these kids. I have seen how just knowing that they are loved no matter what, regardless of their performance, regardless of their grades, regardless of what they achieve, but that they are loved, that I am a safe place for them, has changed everything. The next thing that I've learned is that our motivation behind what we do matters more than anything else. It really isn't about how we handle something or what we say when it comes to parenting our teens. It really is about why am I doing it this way? It seems so simple, but you know the difference between your tone of voice when you say, "Hey, could you do the dishes?" and, "hey, could you do the dishes?" Right? It changes everything and that's why our motivation as a parent is so vital and important. And I've noticed this not only in my own parenting, but as I have coached many parents over the last year, I've realized that their motivation behind what they're doing is going to impact how it appears to their kids more than anything else. And so if ever you are in doubt, check your motivation. Why am I doing it this way? Why do I care about this? Why is this such a big deal to me? I promise it makes all the difference. I've also found that every stage of child has something about your child that you can enjoy if you are looking for it. Over on Instagram, I talk a lot about finding hearts, and I encourage my followers there to find hearts out in the world, take a picture of it and send them to me. And I do this too. When I'm out on a walk or out in the world or out on a hike. I am constantly on the hunt for hearts. And what this does is it reminds me that there is good to be found in anything when we are looking for it. When I go on a walk around the block and I'm not looking for hearts, I don't really see any hearts, but when I go on a walk around the same block and I'm looking for hearts, I find so many of them, and that is the same with our kids. When we are looking for the good things, when we are looking for their amazing qualities, the things we can appreciate and love about them, we will find it. And when we don't, we are missing out. Along that same line, I've also learned that teenagers are more amazing than I ever realized. As I have done this work of teaching parents of teens for the past year and coaching them, I have come to realize just how much we have to learn from our teenagers. They are navigating a world that is different than the world we navigated as youth, and they are doing it masterfully. They are doing amazing things out there in the world, and the way that they accept and love other people is so admirable and something that I think each one of us as parents can look at and learn from. I have really challenged myself as a parent over the past year to really stop thinking that I know best and start considering what my teenagers might know and understand that I don't. As I have done this, we have been able to, instead of having power struggles, really work collaboratively to each contribute what we know and what we understand best. And of course they don't know everything, but they do know some things that we don't know, and they are living in a world and navigating a world that we don't fully understand. There's so much value in listening to our teenagers and really seeking to understand what they think and how they would solve a problem and how they would handle a situation so that we can work together to solve problems and to navigate challenges, we are so much better together, and so I would encourage you to trust that your teen knows more than you think they do, and that they have a lot to contribute and offer, and you have a lot to learn from them. Finally, the thing I've probably learned the most over the past year is that transformation happens slowly. Just like my sunburn happened, slowly without me even realizing it was happening. Sometimes the changes we make are unnoticed until we look back. It has been an absolute delight in my life to be on a coaching call with someone where they are noticing the patterns and the thoughts that are coming up for them, and they are already catching them before I even have a chance to point it out something that months ago they never would've noticed or realized. It is such a joy for me as a coach to hear my clients tell me about a situation and how they handled it, that I know just a few months earlier would have rocked them. But they've been slowly and steadily applying the things that we're learning and now they were able to handle it, calm, cool, collected, and with so much love for their teen. I think it's easy to miss out on the changes that are happening in us because they happen so gradually, so steadily. But I encourage you to look back over your past year. What have you learned? How have you grown? How have you changed? Whether that's as a parent, whether that's in your life, whether that's just from your experiences, how has this last year shaped you and grown you? What have you learned from it, and what are you gonna take with you moving forward? Of all the things I've shared today, the answer to that question is going to be the most important thing that you can take away from this podcast episode. Don't let the last year of your life go by without learning from it and celebrating just how far you've come. I'm so thankful you're here. I'm so thankful you're willing to invest in your family, and I'm cheering you on every step of the way.
