Dating Your Spouse While Raising Teens

This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast

Episode 34: Dating Your Spouse While Raising Teens

Episode Summary:

Dating Your Spouse While Raising Teens

It is easy to put your marriage on the back burner while you are in the thick of raising teens, but actively investing in a strong, healthy marriage actually makes you a better parent. You don’t have to choose between being a great parent and being a great spouse.

And if your relationship status is complicated right now, don’t skip this episode. There are lots of ideas that can be applied to other fulfilling relationships in your life too.

Get inspired to invest time and energy into the important relationships in your life as you learn 6 ways dating your spouse can actually benefit your teen.

Raising Teenagers Isn't Your Only Responsibility 

If you are listening to this episode the day it comes out, Happy Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s day has always been one of my favorite holidays and I love celebrating the abundance of love in my life not just in romantic relationships but in all of my relationships.

In honor of Valentine’s Day though, we are going to talk about marriage and the importance of continuing to date your spouse while you are in the midst of raising teenagers. 

A Note To All the Struggling Marriages and Single Mamas

But before we dive in to this episode, I want to talk to anyone listening who is a single parent or who is currently struggling in their marriage.

Families come in all shapes and sizes and there is no such thing as a perfect family. If your family situation right now is not ideal or even if it is just not what you envisioned, please know that your kids are going to be just fine!

You are all having exactly the experience you were meant to have to learn and grow and experience life as a human. 

It would be great if the only thing you had to worry about during the teen years was how to parent your teen effectively, but the reality is you have a lot of other roles and responsibilities and challenges you are navigating.

All of it adds to the mental and emotional load you are carrying and I think we underestimate the way those other things are impacting our ability to be the parent we want to be. 

Whether you are happily married, divorced, single or in a marriage that is hanging on by a thread, I hope that you will still find some value in this episode. Take the principles that are helpful for your current situation and leave the stuff that doesn’t apply right now.

Most of all, I want to give you permission to invest in relationships that enrich your life outside of your role as a parent.

Whether that is a marriage, a friendship, navigating things with an ex or relationships with your extended family, it is so important for your teen to see how you navigate other important relationships you value in your life. 

The Importance of Dating your Spouse

I think back to when I was first dating my husband. We spent every minute we could together. We planned fun things we could do together and went on lots of dates. We had lots of great conversations and were curious to learn about each other’s perspectives and values and opinions.

We didn’t always agree with each other, but we were willing to listen and try to understand. We used our best manners and tried to show up as our best selves. We were always holding hands and snuggling because we wanted to be as close to each other as we could. 

And now that we have been married almost 20 years, a lot has changed. We have seen each other at our best and at our worst. We have worked through challenges and heartbreak and disagreements together. Our relationship is closer, more intimate and stronger than it was when we were first dating.

I don’t claim to have a perfect marriage, but I have seen how the time and effort my husband and I have put into building a strong, healthy relationship has impacted our children. And I have seen the way that contrasts to my own teen years growing up in a home where my parents did not have a strong, healthy marriage.

It is so easy to let your marriage take the back burner when you are in the midst of raising teens because there is so much else demanding your attention, but continuing to date your spouse will actually make you a better parent.

And by “date your spouse” I am referring to actively investing time and energy into your relationship: supporting each other, being affectionate, working through challenges, communicating and having fun.

I hope that sharing a few ways dating your spouse actually benefits your teen, will encourage you to keep investing time and energy into your marriage. 

6 Ways Dating Your Spouse Benefits Your Teen

Be the example of a healthy relationship

Your teen is watching and learning from your relationship. In fact, the way you treat your spouse and the way you allow your spouse to treat you is shaping your teenager’s expectations of what relationships should look like.

What they see in your relationship will influence what they look for in their own relationships and their expectations of their future partner. 

Our teens need to see examples of healthy relationships. They need to see that relationships require effort. That you make time for each other amidst all the other things (including your teen) that are demanding your attention.

Your teen needs to see you support each other and pick up the slack for each other. They need to see you working together, serving each other and cheering each other on. 

They need to see that you don’t always agree, but you find ways to work through it respectfully when you don’t. They need to see you apologize to each other, ask each other’s opinions and work together for a common goal.

You don’t need to pretend your relationship is perfect. In fact, it is actually good for your teen to see that you have to work through challenges. This is how you can be the example of a healthy relationship. 

Take the Focus Off Your Teen

Have you ever used a magnifying glass to burn ants? I actually don’t think I have ever done this myself, but when my oldest was little my father-in-law used to take him outside after Sunday dinner and do cool boy stuff with him…you know, like burning ants.

If you aren’t familiar with this, the magnifying glass concentrates the heat from the sun into one small place and ends up burning the ants underneath. 

Sometimes your teen feels like the ant. You are so focused on all the things going on in their life and making sure they are set up for success. You are just trying to be a great mom to them, but in the process, you are turning up the heat.

When they feel like they are the central focus of your life…it is like you have the magnifying glass shining right on them concentrating all the heat on them. 

When you have other important relationships in your life, your teen gets a break from being the only focus of your attention. Teens are wired for independence, and while they still need your love and support, these years are a time when they don’t want to be the main focus of your life.

Now, a word of caution: if your teen has been the center of the universe in your family and you start redirecting that focus into other relationships and interests, it might be a little bit of a shock to their system the first few times you don’t drop everything and do what they want you to do.

But ultimately taking the magnifying glass off of your teen will be the best thing for them and your marriage. 

Remind your teen (and yourself) that you are a person too 

My husband and I try to go on a date night every single week. Sometimes that is challenging with kids’ schedules and school stuff and work and church commitments.

But when we make the effort to plan something fun and go out on a date together, it rejuvenates our relationship. It reminds our kids…and ourselves…that we are people who have interests outside of just keeping our house clean and raising these amazing humans that we love.

Sure, date night to the grocery store works to get away and spend time together, but when we plan ahead and make time for fun experiences that we enjoy together, it makes our date nights so much more fulfilling and connecting.

When we do things we are excited about it infuses some of that new relationship excitement back into our relationship that has been weathering the storms of life. And it doesn’t have to be big or expensive.

Some of our favorite date night activities have been: going hiking, setting up a picnic and movie in the back of our car, bowling with friends, testing out patio furniture at the store, watching a comedy show or going for a drive to explore a new area of town. 

Not only is it more fun for us, but when we come home from an exciting date and we tell our kids about our night, they see us as people with interests and lives outside of our role as mom and dad. Our kids get to know us better and see that human side of us. It gives us something to talk about and connect over.

You need a break from mom mode

One of the things my husband and I love to do is go away on vacation, just the two of us. We have done lots of weekend getaways closer to home and we have also done some pretty amazing trips over the last few years.

But whether they are long and fancy or short weekend stay-cations, these vacations give us time to take a break from all of our normal responsibilities and focus on each other. 

It always takes me a day or two for all of the mental load of motherhood to subside, but then my husband gets to spend time with a whole different version of me: vacation Jen.

It isn’t that I am not fun all the time, but when I can actually take a break from all the worries and concerns of motherhood, I get to relax on a whole different level. 

Taking regular vacations together has been one of the best things we have done for our marriage. When we go on vacation together we have time to talk without constant interruptions, make fun memories together and remember all the things we love about each other, but we also come home rested and rejuvenated and more excited to jump back into family life.

Just like your body needs rest every single day, you need regular breaks from mom-mode…long enough breaks to let the mental load of motherhood subside.

You need a chance to miss your kids so you can appreciate them more when you are back together again. Often we spend some time on our vacations talking about what is working in our family and what isn’t and making plans for our family.

Some of our best ideas and insights on our family have come from these vacation conversations because we could step outside the thick of parenting and see more clearly. We come home better parents because we have had the time to reconnect, rest and rejuvenate. 

Be a united front

When you and your spouse are not on the same page with your approach to parenting, it can create challenges as you are raising teens who are constantly testing those boundaries to figure out what they can and can’t do.

Part of dating your spouse is spending time together and having real conversations. The more you communicate, the better you get at resolving differences and finding solutions and the more unified you will become.

You won’t always agree, but just having the conversations and working through disagreements will help you be more unified in your approach to parenting. 

Growing up, my parents were not often on the same page, and even though I was a pretty good teenager, I knew that I could use that to my advantage to get what I wanted by asking the parent I knew was more likely to say yes.

And sure, my own kids know that dad is much more likely to take them to the store than mom, but they also know that we talk regularly about the things happening in our home. They know that we make decisions together. They know we are a united front. 

Fill your home with love 

The biggest benefit your teen gets from seeing you date your spouse is a home filled with love. When you continue to date your spouse you make room to keep discovering all the things you love about them. You feel more connected to them.

You think about them in a way that allows you to feel more love for them. And love is contagious. When you feel more love for your spouse, you act more loving – yes, in your relationship, but also in everything you do. 

Think about how you felt when you were first in love…the whole world just felt different, right? We describe it as seeing the world with rose-colored glasses. We are kinder, we are more patient, we are more forgiving, we are more hopeful, we are more likely to see the good and ignore the bad.

Love feels amazing, and when we are feeling love in our lives, we approach everything else from that place of love: including our parenting. 

In my opinion, the greatest gift you can give your child is a home where there is an abundance of love. And your marriage sets the tone for that. Your teen may not even realize it, but they will feel it and they will want to spend more time in a home that is full of love.

And when you parent from love, your teen is more likely to feel loved and in turn be more loving to others. Love creates more love and it is a beautiful cycle.

Make the Effort to Date Your Spouse While Raising Teens

I hope that you feel inspired to date your spouse! I hope you know that you don’t have to choose between being a great parent and being a great spouse. They work hand in hand. When you strengthen your marriage you

• set an example of a healthy relationship
• take the focus off your teen
• remember that you are a person too
• you get a much needed break from mom-mode
• you are a united front
• and you fill your home with love.

And your teen benefits so much from all of it!

Mentioned on the Show:

• Join the free Teens are the Worst Facebook Group for more help navigating marriage and family life during the teen years
• Parenting teens doesn’t have to be so hard! Join the ENJOY Coaching Community now to get everything you need to make parenting teens easier!
• Follow me on Instagram and Facebook