This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast
Episode 69: Disappointment
with Jen Tate
Episode Summary:
How to Stop Being A Disappointed Parent
I am sure we all want to avoid becoming the stereotypical disappointed parent, but raising teenagers creates a perfect storm for experiencing disappointment!
Whether your teen makes choices you don’t agree with or they are experiencing the brunt of other people’s choices, disappointment is bound to be part of your parenting journey.
But disappointment can be a powerful tool to help you identify your core values, give ourselves and others grace and turn our challenges into beautiful lessons.
Discover the real reason you feel disappointed so often during the teen years and learn how to use it to make your relationship with your teen stronger than ever.
If you need help making disappointment work FOR you, join the ENJOY community and we can work through it together.
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You Are Going to Be A Disappointed Parent Sometimes
As amazing as it is to watch our teens develop their independence and start to make choices for themselves, it can also be a source of a lot of disappointment for parents.
Because they are just learning how to use their newfound agency and independence, teens are going to make choices that are different from what we wanted for them and what we believe would be best for them.
Not only that, but because we love these kids so much and want what is best for them, we are bound to be disappointed when things don’t go their way and when life seems unfair.
It’s part of living with other humans who get to have agency, and get to make decisions for themselves. And we aren’t always going to like those decisions.
Especially when our teen and all their friends are just learning how to use that agency and making a lot of mistakes along the way.
What causes disappointment for parents
“Disappointment is an emotion we feel because of the thoughts we are thinking.”
I give lots of examples in the podcast, and in every case disappointment is caused by thinking that things should be different than they are.
Whether you think your teen should have made different choices or your teen shouldn’t have to go through an experience or that this situation just isn’t fair, it is all a version of “things should be different”
Embrace disappointment
It’s okay to feel disappointment! We experience disappointment because we love our teen and we want what is best for them. We want things to be different because we think it would serve them better!
“When we embrace disappointment knowing that we are only disappointed because we wish things were different than they are, we can use disappointment as tool to help us see more clearly.”
Listen to find out why taking responsibility for our disappointment can actually have some pretty terrible consequences!
Let disappointment be your guide
Disappointment can be a helpful tool to shine a light on what we value, what we need and what we should do next if we know how to use it.
Disappointment helps us identify what we value
Next time you feel disappointed, ask yourself:
What do I think should be different?
How is this helping me to see what I value and what is important to me?
“When we know what we value this approach can really help us have more grace for ourselves and others.”
Listen to find out how asking these questions can also help you bridge the gap between what you value and what your teen values so you know what to do next.
Disappointment can be a clue to process grief
Sometimes disappointment shines a light on something we wanted that is now gone forever. It can help us see that we need to process some grief.
We might need to grieve the loss of an experience we thought we would have, a life we thought we would get to live or a relationship we thought we would have.
“Disappointment is truly a gift to help us identify what we value and what we need and how to give ourselves and others grace.”
Disappointment can help us learn from our challenges
Another question that I think is really useful when you experience disappointment is to ask yourself, how is this working for me?
“Every experience we have is an opportunity to win or to learn. We either gain something from it or we learn something from it.”
Disappointment gives us an opportunity to say, “I didn’t gain what I wanted out of this experience, but what is there here for me to learn?”
This can be challenging, so listen to the episode to understand more about why it is work worth doing!
You might need help to stop being a disappointed parent
While you can use these tools to work through disappointment on your own, it can be really challenging. A coach can help you to see what you might be missing and open yourself up to the lessons disappointment is trying to teach you. If you need this kind of help, I would be so honored to help you in your parenting journey inside of my Enjoy Coaching community.
We will also be continuing this conversation about dealing with disappointment over in my free facebook group Teens are Not the Worst if you want to join the conversation.
Mentioned on the Show:
Podcast Transcript
69. Disappointment === One of the very coolest things about having a teenager is watching them kind of come into their own: figure out how to make their own decisions, have their own thoughts, say their own witty, funny things. It is just the very best to see them become their very own person. As amazing as that is to watch as a parent, it can also be the source of a lot of frustration. Because sometimes that means our teens are going to choose something that is different from what we wanted for them. They're going to choose something that goes in direct conflict with what we believe would be best for them. And that can create a lot of disappointment for us as their parents. Not only that, but because we love these kids so much and we really are so invested in wanting what is best for them, when things don't go their way, when things don't work out, when life seems unfair, we are also going to experience a lot of disappointment over those things as well. I think disappointment is a normal part of the human experience. It's part of being a human on the earth and living with other humans who get to have agency, who get to make decisions for themselves. And we aren't always going to like those decisions. And I think that is so heightened when we are invested in these teenagers that we love so much, and they're learning how to use their agency. And they're not always that good at it at first. And the other people around them are learning how to use their agency and they are not always good at it at first. So today I want to talk about how to deal with different types of disappointment that we may experience as we are raising teenagers and how we can make sure that our experience of that disappointment does not negatively impact our relationship with our teenager. The first thing I think we really have to understand is that disappointment is an emotion. It is an emotion that is caused by our thoughts about something happening outside of us. And so I want to make sure that you understand that our teenagers cannot cause us to feel disappointment. The situations around us can't cause us to feel disappointment. We are disappointed because of what we are thinking about that situation. And in almost every situation, the thought that creates disappointment is some version of, this is not the way it's supposed to be. Things should be different. This is true about situations where your teen makes a choice that you wish they would have made differently. Things like breaking the rules or ending a friendship with someone that you were very close to their family and now your friendship is strained. Or quitting piano lessons after they've been taking for so long and they're finally developing the skill and getting so good at it. Or skipping prom or football games or other parts of the high school experience that you enjoyed and that you think would be so fulfilling and rewarding for them, but they just don't want to be a part of it. If they choose different values or even a different religion than you. The disappointment comes from thinking that they should have done it differently. They should have chosen differently. They should be experiencing something different than what they are. This is also true of the experiences your teen might have that are not a result of their choices. Things that are maybe a result of someone else's choices or of circumstances in the world that are completely outside of their control. This could be things like being the victim of bullying. It could be not making the team or not getting playing time when they did make the team. It could be not getting invited or getting excluded from a friend group they used to be a part of. It could also be a diagnosis of depression or anxiety or cancer that is completely outside of their control. And yet it rocks their world. And you see these things happening and you think to yourself, this should be different. It shouldn't be this way. This isn't fair. And that is what creates all of this disappointment for you. And I want you to know that I think it's okay to feel disappointment, especially as parents. In fact, I want to feel disappointment when my child doesn't make the team or when they don't get invited or when they are navigating a really challenging diagnosis or struggle in their life. I want to feel disappointed because I love them and I want what is best for them. I want to feel disappointed when my child quits piano and I knew their potential, I saw their growth, and they didn't see it. And I feel like that's kind of a tragedy. I want to feel disappointed about that. I want to feel disappointed when they make decisions that put them in harm's way. I want to be disappointed because I want them to be safe. But I think it's so important that we understand that the disappointment isn't because of the outside circumstances. It isn't because of our teenager. It is because we are thinking things should be different. Because when we own that, then we can do something about it. Then we have some control in our life. But when we blame other people for causing our disappointment, especially if it is our teenager, we become the victim. We stay stuck in that disappointment. And even worse than that, it negatively impacts the way we see that person. It negatively impacts our relationship with them moving forward. So when you experience disappointment, instead of blaming someone else , I want you to know that it is caused by you thinking that something is not the way it should be. And when you know that, you can use it as a clue to figure out what is important to you. I know that sounds kind of funny, but if you think about it, you wanted things to be a certain way because you value something. You wanted your teen to obey the rule because you value their safety. You wanted your teen to be included because you value them having Healthy friendships in their life. You wanted them to continue playing the piano because you value them being successful and well rounded. You value them having talents and skills that they can use in their life. And so it's a great way to identify what is important to you. I think it's so valuable to ask yourself the question, what do I think should be different? And how is that helping me to see what I value and what is important to me? I think taking this approach can really help us have more grace for ourselves and for others in these situations. In the example where our teen breaks a rule that was intended to keep them safe, we can look at it and say, okay, What is it that I think should be different? I think they should follow the rules so that they are safe, right? Because I value safety. I value their wellbeing. But what they value is independence or spending time with their friends or whatever it is that caused them to break the rule. So it's not that either of us are wrong. It's just that we have these competing values. So how can we honor the value that they have and the value that I have moving forward? I think this approach can also help us to notice when we need to grieve the loss of the life that we wanted. When there is something that we valued that we have now lost, it's an opportunity for us to give ourselves space to grieve that loss. If your child gets a diagnosis, That is now going to impact them for years to come, you are going to have to grieve the loss of that life of health of that life where you don't have to navigate doctors and medicines and all of those things, right? You need to grieve the loss of that life you had planned on and expected. If your child chooses different values or a different religion than you, you might have to grieve the loss of the life they might have had if they had chosen to stay. Disappointment is truly a gift to help us identify what we value and what we need, how to give ourselves and others grace. Another question that I think is really useful when you experience disappointment is to ask yourself, how is this working for me? I love the idea, and I think I've talked about it before on the podcast, that every experience we have is an opportunity to win or to learn. We either gain something from it or we learn something from it. And I love that disappointment gives us an opportunity to say, I didn't gain what I wanted out of this experience, but what is there here for me to learn? And I know that sometimes this can be so hard to do. And when we're in the moment, when we're in the disappointment, when we're in the experience, we can't always answer this question. But I have seen as I look back at my own life and as I coach other people, that there is always, always, always something that we can learn from every experience, especially the ones that leave us feeling disappointed. There is always something that we can gain. And most of the time, there actually is something good that comes out of an experience that feels very disappointing in the moment. But I have also learned that unless we are looking for the winning or the learning, we will not see it. We will miss it entirely. So I want to challenge you to use disappointment as a tool in your life. When you experience disappointment, I want you to first take responsibility for creating that disappointment and ask yourself the question, What is this disappointment showing me is important to me? How is this disappointment shining a light on what I value? I want you to use disappointment as an opportunity to give yourself more grace and to offer other people grace. To see that there may be a disparity in your values and their values, and to allow that to be okay. But also to open your mind to the possibility that there might be other solutions that allow you to bridge that gap. I want you to use disappointment to give yourself space to grieve the loss of the life that you really wanted. To grieve the loss of something you had hoped for. And I want you to allow disappointment to show you how everything in your life is working together for your good, even if it doesn't seem like it in the moment. There is always something you can learn or some way that you will benefit from every experience in your life. I hope these tools will be extremely helpful for you next time you experience disappointment. But I also know that sometimes it is hard to go through this process and work through these tools on your own. And that is when it is so helpful to have a coach. I would be so honored to be your coach and thrilled to support you throughout your parenting journey inside of my Enjoy Coaching community. I will put the link in the show notes so that you can find out more information and find out whether that could be a helpful resource for you. I would also love to hear from you if these tools that I'm sharing here on the podcast are helping you in your parenting. I would love to know how you are using them and how they are impacting your family. So you can either leave a review on whatever podcast platform you are listening on, send me a message over on Instagram, or join me in my Facebook group, Teens Are Not The Worst, and let's chat more there.
