Today, I am sharing three secrets to help you feel stronger, lighter and full of hope when the load of motherhood is exhausting and overwhelming. You don’t have to do this parenting thing all alone! I used to be the playgroup coordinating mom. In every neighborhood I lived in when my kids were young, I coordinated park meet ups, regular playdate rotations, craft groups and pool hops. If someone new moved to the area, I was the girl everyone would introduce her to so she could get in on the fun. There is something special about meeting up with a bunch of moms at the park or the pool. The kids get to play, learn how to get along and resolve conflict with you right there to guide them through it. And while they get their energy out, you chat. And with all those little humans running around, interrupting the conversation for more snacks and throwing sand, you are bound to talk about the struggles of motherhood. I am quite confident that most of what I learned about motherhood came from those playgroups. The other moms who had kids a few years ahead of mine always gave the best advice, shared the best resources, and gave me the confidence that I would get through whatever current struggle I was facing. When it seemed like my kid was the only one who still wouldn’t give up sucking their thumb, other moms would tell me stories of their kids who sucked their thumb and how they finally gave it up…and I didn’t feel so alone. When I faced a scary health diagnoses with a child, those playgroup mamas rallied around me with stories of others who had gotten through it, recommendations for doctors, a schedule of dinners that would be dropped off and a promise of prayers. When toddler twins were keeping me on my toes, those playgroups were the way I kept my sanity. With some friends to distract my boys from the constant mayhem they were creating together and a few extra sets of eyes to help make sure they were safe, it was always a breath of fresh air. At those playgroups we talked quick dinner recipes, chore systems, the best parenting books, navigating marriages and in-laws and other tricky family dynamics. We talked about the best OBGYNs and teachers and dentists. We talked about local issues and how to band our voices together for change. If we put playgroup moms in charge of solving the world’s problems, I am pretty sure they could do it! I often arrived with my kids running around and my diaper bag full of snacks feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, but I always left feeling stronger, full of hope and lighter (mostly because every snack in the diaper bag had been eaten). But when our kids grow up and go to school, those playgroups taper off. Without the excuse of kids needing to burn off their energy, it is harder to make regular gatherings a priority. You may still gather for girls’ nights or lunches or book clubs to fill your connection cup, but the conversations change a bit. You wish you could get some advice about your daughter who is feeling left out at school because someone is constantly making fun of her for not swearing…but that girl’s mom is sitting next to you. You wish you could talk about how to help your teen who is looking at porn and doesn’t feel like they can stop, but you don’t want to violate your child’s trust. Your child is questioning their faith and you wish someone could tell you it was all going to be ok, but you don’t want to make your friend who taught the lesson they have been wrestling with feel bad. You wish you could ask for recommendations for therapists, but you know your teen won’t agree to go if anyone else knows they have bad enough depression that they need help. So instead you talk about the surface level stuff. Which middle school classes are the best, how much your child is enjoying playing soccer, where you are going for fall break, how moody teens are, and how if you find one more spoon in your child’s bedroom you are going to lose your mind. Even if you do have a few trusted friends you can truly confide in, they may not be the friends who have the advice or the experience or the answers you need. And so many of the challenges our teens are facing aren’t ours to share, even with a trusted friend. If you have spent sleepless nights searching google for answers at 2 am while tears are running down your cheeks only to find answers that bring you even more anxiety, I want you to know that you don’t have to carry the weight of parenting teens alone. If you have pleaded with heaven to know how to help your child, I want you to know that you don’t have carry the weight of parenting teens alone. If you have ever felt like nobody else could possibly understand what is going on with your teen, I want you to know that you don’t have to carry the weight of parenting teens alone. If you have you have ever felt like it was all your fault and that you would never be able to recover after the way you handled a situation with your teen, I want you to know that you don’t have to carry the wight of parenting teens alone. And if you haven’t yet faced a challenge that crushes your heart and consumes you with worry, you will. I am an eternal optimist by nature, but I have talked to enough mothers of teens to know that every one of us will face a challenge with our teens that will rock us. And when you do, I want you to know that you don’t have to carry the weight of parenting teens alone. Just like my playgroups at the park, when you arrive to a parenting challenge feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, remember these three secrets to help you face it feeling stronger, lighter and full of hope. First, things are happening exactly the way they should. What if nothing has actually gone wrong here? I have talked about this idea before, but it is such an important concept when you are facing difficult challenges with your teen. What if this experience being left out will help your teen be more inclusive and ultimately find a friend that will have her back for the rest of her life? What if this experience of giving up porn is exactly the motivation your teen needs to say no to other addictive substances down the road? What if questioning their faith actually helps your child have a deeper connection and relationship with God? What if navigating depression together is the very experience that leads you to have a closer relationship with your child for the rest of your lives? All of these are just as likely as every other end-of-the-world scenario your brain is offering you. We know everything is happening exactly the way it is supposed to, because it is happening that way. Believing it should be different is arguing with reality, and you will lose every single time. And even worse than losing the argument with reality, it is causing you so much more pain and suffering. This challenge is hard enough without adding more pain and suffering. Instead of thinking things should be different, put your brain to work answering these two questions: 1. How might this be the exact thing I need right now? 2. Now, who am I going to be? Or Who do I want to be in this situation? Second, zoom out. It is Monsoon season right now in Arizona. During this season, the skies are blue and sunny and then at some point each day the skies go dark, the wind picks up and buckets of rain start pouring from the sky. There is thunder and lightning and it is actually kind of amazing to watch…as long as you are safely protected from the elements. The crazy thing about monsoon storms is that it can be dumping buckets and flooding on my street and one block away the skies are completely clear and blue. In fact, you can sometimes drive right through a storm in a minute or two. Sometimes you can look out into a beautiful day and see multiple different storms dotting the desert off in the distance with dark clouds and walls of rain. But when the lightning is splitting the sky and thunder is shaking your house and your back porch is flooding with water while the rain keeps beating down, you can’t even imagine that there are blue skies anywhere near you. That is how it feels when we are in the midst of a challenge with our teen. You can’t imagine that the lightning and thunder and flooding rain will ever stop. It is terrifying. And especially if you are caught out in the storm without shelter, you wonder if you will survive. But when you zoom out…just like when I look out at the desert, you realize that this is just one storm in the midst of beautiful bright and sunny life. When you look farther down the road, there are going to be blue skies. This isn’t going to last forever, even if the lightning and thunder are scary and the flooding is creeping closer and closer to your door. Think about what you want on the other side of this challenge. Focus on strengthening relationships…because when you get through the storm, I promise that is what you will want on the other side. Third, don’t do it alone. Shame lives in secrecy. When you are carrying the burdens of parenting teens all alone, you give shame an open invitation to pile on the misery. Shame is the root of thoughts like “nobody understands,” “they will judge me,” “they will judge my child,” “there is no way out,” “I can never come back from this,” “it’s all my fault,” and so much more. Sharing your burden, even with just one person, starts to let light into a dark room. And shame can’t survive in the light. If you have people in your life that can be that support, lean on them, confide in them, cry on their shoulder. Just knowing that someone else knows what you are going through can make the burden so much lighter. If you can, I suggest you also find a coach or a counselor who won’t just listen and cry with you, but who has the tools to help you navigate the challenges that come and face them with courage and confidence. Someone who can spot shame lurking in the back corner and turn on all the lights in the room, so he has nowhere to hide. Of course, I would be so honored to be your coach. In fact this is the exact purpose of my {enjoy} membership. In there you get you the support you need whether you are in the midst of a storm right now or not. I teach you the tools you need to navigate the challenges you will inevitably face as you raise children. I make sure you have umbrellas and shelter and protection so you don’t get caught unprotected in the storm. And when the storms do come, you can get personalized help from me to get you through your specific challenge. It is like a virtual playgroup with other moms going through the same things and the expert help you need, but in the safety of a private group that won’t violate your teen’s trust. If you are looking for that kind of support, I would love to be your coach to help you face the teen years feeling stronger, lighter and full of hope. Find more details here: https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership0822 If my program is not the right fit for you, I encourage you to keep searching until you find someone that is so you don’t have to do the teen years alone. You are doing important work! It is supposed to be challenging, but you are up to the task! Remember that things are happening exactly the way they should. Zoom out so you don’t get overtaken by the storm. And most of all, find the support you need so you don’t have to do it alone. You and your family and your teen are worth it!
