Get Rid of Mom-Guilt

This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast

Episode 24: Mom-Guilt Is A Lie

Episode Summary:

Get Rid of Mom-Guilt for Good

Mom-guilt looks different when you have teens. And it can be so sneaky that you don’t even recognize it as mom-guilt. But whether you have babies, toddlers or teens, mom-guilt is a lie and it is time to get rid of mom-guilt for good!  

Mom-guilt pretends to be necessary and make you a better mom, but it is actually stealing your confidence in your own intuition and distracting you from what is best for you and your family.

In this episode you will learn 5 truths about motherhood that will help you loosen the grip mom-guilt has on you, so you can be a happier and more confident parent to your teen.

Mom-Guilt is Exhausting!

It is the first full week of December and the holidays are in full swing. Our weekend was packed full of holiday fun, my bedroom is filled with Amazon boxes full of presents that need to be wrapped and we are still busy little elves trying to get all the decorations up.

And as I have been preparing to teach the December Workshop on conquering overwhelm in my ENJOY community, I have been thinking a lot about how much weight moms carry at this time of year. 

As moms, we often have responsibility for most of the holiday preparations and traditions and everyone’s holiday expectations. And it creates a perfect storm where mom-guilt can easily rear its ugly little head.

What is Mom-Guilt?

Mom-guilt comes from the belief that you are doing motherhood wrong and that you should be able to do to better. But whether it is how you get your baby to sleep, or what family traditions you have or how you handle rules and consequences, there are a million right ways to approach parenting. Yet so often moms feel guilty that they are doing it wrong.

And while there is a lot of encouragement for moms of babies and toddlers and little kids when it comes to mom-guilt, we don’t hear as much about mom-guilt when it comes to raising teenagers.

But that doesn’t mean moms of teens aren’t experiencing mom-guilt…they definitely are, it just looks a little different. Sometimes we don’t even realize that what we are experiencing is mom-guilt…we just think it is part of the experience of raising teenagers. 

Mom-Guilt is Different When You Have Teens

Do you ever worry that you don’t spend enough time with your teen?

Or that they don’t talk to you enough?

Or that they aren’t independent enough?

Or that you let them down because you didn’t expose them to the right opportunities when they were younger?

Or that they are missing out because you don’t have the connections or resources that others do?

Or that you are ruining them because you lose your temper or let them spend too much time on screens or you are too tired to stay up late with them every night.

These are all just different versions of mom-guilt that make you question yourself and your parenting. And while the world has told us that mom-guilt is just a normal part of being a mom, I do not agree. Even if it is common, mom-guilt is not serving you and it doesn’t have to be part of your parenting experience.

Mom-Guilt Doesn't Make You A Better Parent

While mom-guilt pretends to be useful, the truth is: it isn’t. Your brain thinks that questioning every parenting decision you make will help you be a better mom, but it won’t.

Trying to do everything like all the other moms out there on Instagram and pinterest or even the other moms in your soccer carpool isn’t serving your family and it is making you feel terrible.

Discouragement, inadequacy and doubting your own abilities and intuition, typically leads to fear-based parenting, trying to control everything and completely burning yourself out in the process.

The Truth About Mom-Guilt

Mom guilt is a lie. It is a sneaky lie…one that we have heard so many times that we think it must be true. And learning the real truth is the only hope we have of loosening the grip this lie has on us, so here are 5 things that are actually true:

1. There are no perfect moms.

In fact, there is no such thing as a “good” mom. Our idea of what a mom “should” do is completely based on our own thoughts and experiences.

One of my favorite strategies that I use to help my clients see this is I have them write down what a “good” mom is. If 5 people did that exercise, I can guarantee that every single one of them would come up with a different description of a good mom.

And even if you just looked at your own description, you might even find some conflicting ideas on what makes a good mom. I challenge you to give this exercise a try and see what you learn from it. 

You Don't Have To Be Perferct To Be A Great Mom

This simple truth can release all of the pressure you feel to be the perfect mom. When you know that there is no possible way to be a perfect mom, you stop beating yourself up when you fall short.

When you realize that there is no right or wrong way to parent, you stop second guessing every decision you make based on what other people do or think and you start making decisions that are best for you and your family.

Not only do you feel better about yourself as a parent, but you are a much better parent when you start making decisions about what is best for your family with confidence.

2. You can’t pour from an empty cup

Often we feel mom-guilt for being “selfish”, but there is a big difference between self-care and being selfish. And a lot of the time we confuse the two.

Your teen needs you to take of yourself because you can’t really take care of someone else when your own needs aren’t being met.

And if you don’t take care of your own needs, nobody else will. Your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual needs are just as important as anyone else’s. 

A burned-out mom who is at the end of her rope can’t be patient, loving or understanding. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Stop Feeling Guilty For Self-Care

We have to stop feeling guilty for taking time and resources to meet our own needs. Take a vacation with your spouse, go out for lunch with your friends, take a class, get involved in something that lights you up, or join the gym that has all your favorite exercise classes.

Not only will your teen will benefit from a happier, more fulfilled mom, BUT they will also learn the importance of making self-care a priority.

This is a skill that will help them so much as they grow up and have a family of their own, so give your teen this gift without an ounce of guilt! 

3. You can’t control who your child will become.

I know it seems crazy, because isn’t the whole point of parenting to help our kids grow into wonderful adults? No. If that were true then all the kids from any family would turn out the same…or at least very similarly, and that just isn’t the case.

I know so many families with wonderful, kind, loving parents who have some kids who are thriving and others who followed a path that leads to a whole lot of suffering and pain. 

Whoever your child becomes is a result of their own decisions, regardless of what kind of parent you are. And while the way we parent certainly makes it easier or harder for our kids to reach their potential, it is ultimately up to our children to decide who they want to be.

When we think that our parenting is what will determine our kids future, it is no wonder we feel racked with guilt every time we think we have negatively impacted their future.

But here is the best news: you don’t have that kind of power!

You can’t control who your child will become, you can only control how YOU show up as a parent.

And when you fall short of who you want to be, it is an opportunity to grow and improve.

4. Life isn’t fair.

I’ll be honest, I don’t love this truth, but whether I like it or not, it is true.

There is nothing fair about life. We are all born into different families and economic situations. Some people grow old and some don’t survive to adulthood.

Some people experience a never-ending stream of tragedy and trials and others seem to make it through without a lot of problems.

Some kids have parents who abuse or abandon them and some have parents who are kind and caring and give them every opportunity and advantage. 

Your teen is going to struggle. Whether they struggle because of you or struggle because of something else, they will struggle.

And of course, you don’t want to purposely cause your child’s suffering, but the fact that you are here listening to this podcast tells me that you are a parent who cares and you are trying to be the best parent you can be!

Even at your best, sometimes two kids will need your attention at the same time and you will have to help one and not the other. Sometimes you will have to say no to something your child really wants and that will feel really hard to them.

It Is OK to Not Always Be Your Best

And sometimes you won’t be your best. Sometimes you will be tired or hungry or overwhelmed and you will lose your temper. You might forget something that was important to your teen. You might get so frustrated with your teen that you nitpick and criticize everything they are doing wrong.

You are a human, and part of being a human is that you are going to make mistakes. It might seem unfair that your child doesn’t have a perfect mom, but life isn’t fair. 

5. YOU are exactly the mom your teen needs.

There is a concept we use a lot in coaching: when you argue with reality you lose every single time. The idea is that thinking things should be different than how they are right now is painful, frustrating and not very useful.

I know that you are exactly the mom your teen needs because you are the mom your teen has. I also believe that your teen didn’t come to your family by mistake. You are exactly the mom they need, and not just when you are doing a great job.

The times when you are failing and falling short are exactly the experiences your teen needs to grow. Jody Moore says, “If your kids were supposed to have a perfect mom, they would have a robot mom, not a human mom.” 

And it is so true. No part of the human experience is perfect and it is not supposed to be. Sometimes you will be an amazing mom and sometimes you will mess up and both offer your teen an opportunity to become who they want to be.

Think of all the kids who had really challenging family circumstances when they were young and went on to do great things in the world. We think that our parenting should make life easier and better for our kids, that if we just do everything right our kids will turn out happy and healthy and successful.

But what if that isn’t true? What if our shortcomings and weaknesses are exactly the challenge our teens need to become their best self? 

Don't Feel Bad If You've Been Guilty of Mom-Guilt 

Here’s the thing: mom-guilt comes from the best of intentions. The pressure to be a great mom comes from your love for your kids and your desire to be the best you can for them. But motherhood is impossible to do perfectly, so you will always come up short if that is your goal.

Instead remember that you are doing the best you can with what you know right now. Instead of feeling guilt and shame when you fall short, use your shortcomings as data in a science experiment to help you make adjustments so you can do better next time. 

I promise that mom-guilt is not making you a better mom. When you let go of the guilt, you will become a happier and more confident parent.

I would love to help you let go of your mom-guilt. Join ENJOY today to get instant access to resources and coaching from me that will help you say goodbye to mom-guilt for good! 

Mentioned on the Show:

• Get my free Processing Emotions mini-course to learn the skills you need to deal with those feelings of mom-guilt.
• Parenting teens doesn’t have to be so hard! Join the ENJOY Coaching Community now to get everything you need to make parenting teens easier!
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