7 Tips to Help Your Stressed-Out Teen

This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast

Episode 23: 7 Tips for a Stressed-Out Teen

Episode Summary:

7 Tips to Help Your Stressed-Out Teen

Is your teen feeling the end-of-the-year stress? In addition to busy schedules and long to-do lists of the holidays, they have finals, projects, papers and concerts. And if they are a High School senior, they also have college application deadlines. 

It all adds up to a lot of stress for our teens and that can make them less patient, more angry, less excited to participate in family activities or hang out with friends, less motivated and more annoyed by everything! 

So how can you help? Try these 7 strategies to help your stressed-out teen.  

The Most Stressful Time of Year for Parents and Teens

The other night I was feeling stressed. I hadn’t slept well and I was emotionally spent because one of my kids was having a hard time that day. We were getting ready to host a bunch of family for Thanksgiving and I was behind in getting ready for it. I had a bunch of work that I hadn’t been able to get finished because of interruptions from my kids and I desperately needed to go grocery shopping.

And at 5:15 pm I hadn’t even thought about what to make for dinner yet. I walked in the kitchen and found papers everywhere, backpacks and shoes strewn across the room and one of my kids had the nerve to politely ask “what’s for dinner?” 

I lost it! I snapped back something snarky like, “Why don’t you figure out what is for dinner!” and started barking orders at my kids of all the things they needed to clean up and help with. Yes, they probably should have already put their backpacks and shoes away, but I am not proud of the way I acted.

After I stomped my feet and threw my grown-up tantrum, I immediately felt terrible for losing my cool and lashing out.

It's Hard To Be At Your Best When You Are Stressed 

Stress can cause us to be irritable, exhausted, unmotivated, distracted or panicky. It can even turn us into a version of ourselves we don’t really like or recognize. A lot of stress can activate the lower brain – the fight, flight, freeze response – and limit our access to the problem solving and reasoning part of our brain.

 As we approach the end of the year, most people start feeling the stress of busy schedules and long to-do lists. And our teenagers are no exception. In addition to all the holiday fun, they have finals, projects, papers and concerts. And if they are a High School senior, they also have college application deadlines.

All of this can add up to a lot of stress for our teens.

Signs Your Teen Is Stressed-Out

You might notice your teen being less patient, more angry, less excited to participate in family activities or hang out with friends, less motivated and more annoyed by everything. They might even have physical symptoms like feeling tired all the time, constant headaches or stomachaches and trouble sleeping.

Stress, like any feeling, is caused by our thoughts. Thoughts like, “I will never get everything done.” “This is too much.” “I can’t handle this.” “I have to get this done.”

Understanding this is the key to helping our teens when they are stressed. The problem isn’t how much they have to do, it is about how they are thinking about what they have to do.

7 Tips to Help Your Stressed-Out Teen 

With this in mind, here are seven things you can do to help your teens when they are feeling stressed out:

1. Remember that stress isn’t a problem.

Stress is a normal part of life…especially for your teen. It is an emotion that they are going to experience. In fact, they need stress to help them grow, push them out of their comfort zone and help them develop resilience.

If you feel stressed about your teenager feeling stressed, it doesn’t make them feel less stressed it just means there are now two people experiencing stress who don’t have as much access to the reasoning and problem-solving part of their brains.

If you are desperate to fix it for them, you won’t be able to help, so make sure you process your own emotions about your teenager’s stress before you try to help. Get my free PDF and video guide to Processing Emotions at the link in the show notes. https://client.jenbelltate.com/processingemotions

2. Be understanding.

The day I lost my cool with my kids, I told you that I immediately felt terrible. And most of that was because my kids sprung into action and didn’t make a big deal out of my outburst. Because they didn’t get snarky right back at me or tell me what a jerk I was being, I didn’t have to fight to defend myself and justify my bad behavior.

As a parent it can be really hard to let bad behavior go in the moment, but it is so important…especially when your teen is experiencing a lot of stress. The more they have to defend themselves or justify their behavior, the more they feel justified in how they acted. 

If you don’t immediately launch into a lecture on how you will not tolerate that kind of behavior, they will probably feel remorse for it on their own…which is much more likely to create better behavior in the future.

Your teen probably already knows that they aren’t acting reasonably, but if you feel like they don’t realize that their behavior was out of line, you can always bring it up later when the emotions have settled down.

If you really need to diffuse the situation in the moment, try calmly responding, “It seems like you are really upset right now. Maybe we should talk about this later.”

Either way, don’t take it personally. Whatever your teenager does or says is about them and their thoughts…not about you. Listen to what they have to say, consider whether there is something you can learn from it and decide who you want to be moving forward.

3. Listen

If your teen is stressed out and they are willing to talk about it, the best thing you can do for them is listen. Try and keep them focused on what they are feeling instead of why. Validate their feelings. Be curious and try to understand what they are experiencing. 

DO NOT give advice. If you offer advice before they feel heard and understood, they will defend their position to try and get you to understand. The more they defend a position, the more they will believe it.

Once they feel understood, they will be able to come up with ideas of how to move forward on their own and much more open to your ideas and solutions.

4. Take a break

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a stressed-out teen is to let them take a break.

• Invite them to go get a soda or ice cream or hot chocolate with you.
• Walk around the block with them or go get the mail together.
• Blast their favorite song so you can both sing along at the top of your lungs.
• Even just getting them to come into the kitchen for a glass of ice water could be enough of a break to dissipate the stress for a minute.

Deep breathing exercises can also be really helpful in relieving stress. Just taking a few deep breaths can melt the stress away and give your teen a little bit of space to think clearly.

Often when our teens get really stressed they stop making time for friends and family which actually adds to their stress.

If your teen has been working hard and hasn’t been making time for fun, encourage them to take some time for fun. Your teenager is not designed to be a workhorse. Fun is good for their brain, productivity and creativity.

5. Make sure their physical needs are met

When my teens are stressed out, the first thing to go is sleep. They stay up late trying to get everything done and they are still up early. But fatigue actually ADDS to their stress and makes them much less capable of handling stress.

Encourage your teen to get enough sleep. Even if it means taking a break for a quick nap, letting them sleep in extra late on a Saturday or even missing 1^st period so they can catch up on their zzzzz’s. 

Other physical needs that may make it more difficult for your teen to handle stress are not getting proper nutrition, not getting enough movement or exercise, spending too much time on a screen, not spending enough time outside and not making time for fun and social connection.

6. Take the pressure off

Sometimes our teens feel stressed because they are trying to live up to our expectations or others’ expectations. You can relieve some of that stress by making sure your teen knows that you love them regardless of what they do or accomplish.

Let them know that their health and happiness are more important to you than 4.0 GPA’s or sports accomplishments or scholarships. 

Your teen is amazing and valuable and worthy just the way they are…no accomplishment…or lack of accomplishment will change their worth.

As a person who has grown up in a world that values accomplishment and results, I have really grappled with this truth, but the more I lean into it, the better parent and person I become.

7. Focus on one thing

If your teen is open to it, help them figure out the next step. Often when we are stressed out or overwhelmed, our brain can only see “EVERYTHING” we need to do together as a giant unachievable task. Our brains can only handle one thing at a time, so help your teen determine one thing they can do right now.

It is helpful to write down everything you need to do and get it out of your brain, but sometimes that can feel really overwhelming, so I love this question:

“What is ONE thing you can do right NOW?”

It focuses the brain on a couple of key things:

• Narrowing your focus to one thing
• Thinking about what you can control
• Focusing on the present moment

Let your teen know that you are there to support them and willing to help if they need it. They may not need your help, but knowing that you have their back could be just what they need to face the stuff that is stressing them out.

The Best Time To Teach Your Teen About Stress-Management is BEFORE the Stress Needs To Be Managed 

I hope these tips give a good starting point to help your teen when they are feeling stressed-out, but the real key is to teach them stress management skills when they aren’t feeling overwhelmed by stress and helping they learn how to manage their time and tasks to prevent unnecessary stress. The most effective way to do that is to model healthy time and stress- management skills yourself. 

This month in my ENJOY Coaching Community, we are learning all about how to handle stress and overwhelm. Not only will you learn skills to deal with stress and overwhelm, but you get personalized help from me through Marco Polo coaching as well. Doors are only open for about a week at the link in the show notes! https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership I am so excited to help you have less stress and overwhelm this holiday season so you have more time to enjoy your family! See you inside!

Mentioned on the Show:

• Get my free Processing Emotions mini-course to learn how to process emotions like stress and overwhelm.
• Join the free Teens are the Worst Facebook Group to continue this conversation
• Parenting teens doesn’t have to be so hard! Join the ENJOY Coaching Community now to get everything you need to make parenting teens easier!
• Follow me on Instagram and Facebook