My oldest is a senior this year and there are so many decisions he has to make: which colleges he is interested in, what major he wants to pursue, which scholarships to apply for, which applications he should send in, whether to retake his ACT, where to get a job, and which extracurricular activities to focus his efforts into. As a mom, I have a lot of opinions about what he should do, how he should do it, and the timeline he should follow, but, despite my spreadsheets, obvious expertise and my burning desire to take the reigns, I know these aren’t my decisions to make. They are his. Whether your child is finishing elementary school or in their senior year of high school, the beginning of the school year brings all sorts of decisions for our kids. Should I run for a student office? Join the math club? Which friends should I eat lunch with? Which elective classes do I want to take? What kind of student will I be? Where am I going to hang out on Friday nights? Which sports will I try out for? What is my style? I was talking with some friends the other day about how challenging it is as a parent to watch our children make decisions that could potentially impact the rest of their lives. We want to help them and guide them. We don’t want them to make a choice they may regret later, and yet, the older they get, the less they want our opinion and the less control we have over the decisions they make. This month in my {enjoy} membership, we have been learning how to make decisions with confidence. While I can’t cover everything we are learning there throughout the month on a 10 minute podcast, I thought I would share a little piece of what we are learning there to help you as you navigate decision-making with your teen. If you are interested in diving deeper into the things we are learning here on the podcast and getting personalized help applying them in your life, I would love for you to join us in {enjoy}. It is not open to join right now, but I will include a link in the show notes where you can find out more about the {enjoy} membership and join the waitlist so you can be the first to know and get an exclusive offer when it opens. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membershipwaitlist The first thing you need to know is that a decision is a commitment to an action you will take. We like to complicate it, but the process of making a decision is simple: 1. Identify the decision. You may be presented with a problem or wonder if things could be better. 2. Gather information. This can happen instantaneously (like looking around you in an emergency to evaluate what needs to happen next) or take as long as you allow. 3. Make a decision. You commit to taking action in your mind. 4. Take action. Because of the commitment you have made in your mind, you take the decided action no matter what. 5. Rinse and repeat. You may remain committed to the decision you have made and continue to take the decided action because of the information you gathered and the problem you wanted to solve. Or, you may question your decision or encounter a new problem and follow this same process again and again. When you understand this process, you can better understand your role as a parent in helping your child make a decision. Your role is in steps one and two. You can point out a problem or potential change and you can help them gather information. But ultimately the decision happens in their mind and that part is not within your control. Unless they are really committed to the decision, they will not take action. Often when you make a decision for our child, you end up taking the action for them as well. It is not their decision, it is your decision. If you find yourself nagging your child to do things all the time, it is likely because you have made a decision for them that they have not made for themselves. For example, you have decided your teen is going to get good grades. They have not decided that. So when their friends want to hang out or they have to choose between homework and playing games on their phone, they choose friends and phone instead of homework. Then you, the one committed to them getting good grades, are left nagging your child to do their homework, to get off their phone, checking their grades, negotiating with their teacher and using punishments and guilt to motivate them to take the actions that will get them better grades. If they follow through, their decision wasn’t to get good grades, it was to avoid punishment, to make you happy or to get you to stop nagging them. At this point you might be thinking, “But no, I have actually talked to my child and they told me they want to get good grades.” I get it. I know that is what they say to you. But the truth is, if they had actually decided that they want to get good grades, nothing would be able to get in the way of that because a decision is committing yourself to taking the action that will produce the result. So, you know that they haven’t made the decision if they aren’t taking the action to produce the result. I don’t tell you this to make you feel helpless or hopeless. Instead I want you to use this information to channel your energy and time and influence into the stages of the decision making process where you can have the biggest impact. Here are 3 strategies to help you maximize your influence and teach your teen how to navigate decision-making. STRATEGY #1 Give them lots of opportunities to make decisions for themselves. Decision-making is a muscle. The more we exercise it, the stronger it becomes. When you are making decisions for your teen, YOU get better at making decisions. When your teen makes decisions for themselves…even if they aren’t great at it at first…YOUR TEEN becomes better at making decisions. The earlier you can start giving them opportunities to decide for themselves the better. Engage in the first two steps of the process with them: identify the decision and help them gather information. Let your teen know that you are confident in their ability to make this decision and that you will support them in whatever they decide. Not only will they get better at making decisions, but your support will grow their confidence exponentially and create a more connected relationship between you. STRATEGY #2 Take advantage of the opportunity to help your teen gather information. Your teen doesn’t want to be told what to do, but they do need your help learning how to gather and consider the relevant information. I know that you have a lifetime of knowledge and experience you want to offer them, but they will be much more committed to a decision that they have come to on their own. Your job is to help them find and consider the information they need to make the best decision for them. So, before you tell them what you think they should do, use the following tips to help them gather information more effectively: 1. Have your teen choose a deadline for making their decision. Don’t let them get stuck in gathering information forever. It will take as long as you allow it to take. 2. Consider all the possible options. We often think of decisions in black and white terms as only having two choices. Have them come up with at least 4 options for what they could do. Maybe if they think outside the box, there is a way they can have both of the options they were originally considering. 3. Take the pressure off your teen to make the right decision. There are no right or wrong decisions. If your decision doesn’t align with your beliefs and values, it will create some cognitive dissonance (it will feel wrong) and you will either have to make a different decision or adjust your values and beliefs. Diving further into this concept is a podcast…or even a series of podcasts…for another day. BUT, more often you are deciding between options that all align with your beliefs and values, and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make the right decision. What is the decision that you feel best about making right now? You are either winning or learning, and both are equally important. 4. Sometimes you don’t feel like you have enough information to make a decision and the only way to get the information you need is to make a decision and move forward. That is when the additional information will come. You can always make a different decision in the future. 5. What is the emotion driving the decision? Is your teen worried about regretting their choice? Are they afraid of missing an opportunity? Encourage them not to make decisions from fear or worry. The best emotion to make a decision from is love. Love for yourself and love for others. Consider the question, what would love do in this situation?” After you have helped your teen gather information point out things that you think are important to consider. You may even offer a suggestion of what you would do in their situation. They may ask your opinion, and if they do, you should share it, but make sure they know that you will support them if they choose something else. Strategy #3 Trust your teen to make decisions that are best for them. Once you have helped them gather information, have faith in your teen. Trust them to make the decisions that are right for them, even if it means a harder road or more pain. I am sure you pointed out those potential challenges when you were helping them gather information. And now you get to trust them. A thought that has helped me in this process is, “Everything is working together for their good.” I believe this with all my heart. That it will all work out in the end. That their whole life…all the good experiences and all the hard experiences and everything in between has a purpose. It is all for a reason. It will shape them into the person they need to become. I have seen this over and over in my own life. The decisions I have made have shaped me into the person I am today. I haven’t come to this point without wishing I had chosen differently in some of my decisions. I haven’t come through without pain and heartache and challenges…some created by my very own decisions. And yet, I wouldn’t be who I am today without those decisions. I wouldn’t have learned what I learned. I wouldn’t have the compassion I now have. Your teen needs you to teach them how to make decisions and then they need you to trust them. I hope this helps you as you support your teens in navigating the many decisions they have to make. If you are enjoying this podcast, I would appreciate it so much if you would leave me a rating or review so that more people can find it and get the support and tools they need to enjoy the teen years without worrying that they are doing it all wrong.
