How to Repair a Broken Relationship with Your Daughter or Son

 Here in Arizona, we are fast approaching the start of a brand new school year, and with that comes a lot of excitement, a lot of fun, a lot of anticipation. But if your kids are like mine, it can also be really stressful for your teenager. They've got a new schedule, new classes, new teachers, maybe even some new friends. They're trying out for sports teams and student council and clubs, and there might be some disappointment about classes they didn't get into or friends who aren't on their lunch period. And often all of this stress manifests by them being a little more cranky, a little more snippy, a little more emotional with us as their parents. So I thought this was the perfect time to bring back this podcast episode about the seven ways that you can support your teen when they are experiencing a lot of stress. I think we as parents often forget just how stressful the beginning of a new school year is for our kids. I looked at my daughter's schedule the other day and I thought, Oh my goodness. I'm so glad I'm not in high school because this schedule looks so challenging. I'm exhausted just thinking about all of the classes that she has. But I think this increase in stress for our kids is actually a great opportunity for us as parents to show them that we support them, that we love them, and we're cheering them on, and to really empower them with some skills and some tools so that they can navigate the stressful situations in their life now and in the future. Next week, I will be back with brand new episodes of this is going to be fun, and I cannot wait to share them with you. But, in the meantime, I hope you will enjoy listening to this episode, and that these seven strategies for supporting your stressed out teen will really help you as you navigate the beginning of a new school year. The other night, I was feeling stressed. I hadn't slept well. I was emotionally spent because one of my kids was having a really hard time that day. We were getting ready to host a bunch of family for Thanksgiving, and I was behind in getting ready for all of it. I had a bunch of work that I hadn't been able to get finished because of constant interruptions from my kids, and I desperately needed to go grocery shopping. And at 5: 15 p. m. I hadn't even thought about what to make for dinner yet. I walked into the kitchen and found papers everywhere, backpacks and shoes strewn across the room, and one of my kids had the nerve to politely ask, Hey mom, what's for dinner? I lost it. I snapped back something snarky like, why don't you figure out what's for dinner? And started barking orders at my kids of all the things they needed to clean up and help with. Yes, they probably should have already put their backpacks and shoes away, but I am not proud of the way I acted. After I stomped my feet and threw my grown up tantrum, I immediately felt terrible for losing my cool and lashing out. Stress can cause us to be irritable, exhausted, unmotivated, distracted, or panicky. It can even turn us into a version of ourselves that we don't really like or recognize. A lot of stress can even activate the lower brain, the fight flight freeze response, and limit our access to the problem solving and reasoning part of our brain. As we approach the end of the year, most people start feeling the stress of busy schedules and long to do lists. And our teenagers are no exception. In addition to all the holiday fun, they have finals, projects, papers, and concerts. And if they are a high school senior, they also have college application deadlines. All of this can add up to a lot of stress for our teens. You might notice your teen being less patient, more angry, less excited to participate in family activities or hang out with friends. Less motivated and more annoyed by everything. They might even have physical symptoms like feeling tired all the time, constant headaches or stomach aches, and trouble sleeping. But stress, like any feeling, is caused by our thoughts. Thoughts like, I will never get everything done. This is too much. I can't handle this. I have to get this done. Understanding this is the key to helping our teens when they are stressed. The problem isn't how much they have to do. It is about how they are thinking about what they have to do with this in mind. Here are seven things you can do to help your teen when they are feeling stressed out. Number one, remember that stress isn't a problem. Stress is a normal part of life, especially for your teen. It is an emotion that they are going to experience. In fact, they need stress to help them grow, to push them out of their comfort zone and to help them develop resilience. If you feel stressed about your teenager feeling stressed, It doesn't make them feel less stressed. It just means now there are two people experiencing stress who don't have as much access to the reasoning and problem solving parts of their brains. If you are desperate to fix it for them, you won't be able to help. So make sure you process your own emotions about your teenager's stress before you try to help. You can get my free PDF and video guide to processing emotions at the link in the show notes. If you need help with this process, number two, be understanding the day I lost my cool with my kids. I told you that I immediately felt terrible and most of that was because my kids sprung into action and didn't make a big deal out of my outburst. Because they didn't get snarky right back at me or tell me what a jerk I was being, I didn't have to fight to defend myself and justify my bad behavior. As a parent, it can be really hard to let bad behavior go in the moment, but it is so important, especially when your teen is experiencing a lot of stress. The more they have to defend themselves or justify their behavior, the more they feel justified in how they acted. If you don't immediately launch into a lecture on how you will not tolerate that kind of behavior, they will probably feel remorse for it on their own, which is much more likely to create better behavior in the future. Your teen probably already knows they aren't acting reasonably, but if you feel like they don't realize that their behavior was out of line, you can always bring it up later when the emotions have settled down. If you really need to diffuse the situation in the moment, try calmly responding, Hey, it seems like you're really upset right now. Maybe we should talk about this later. Either way, don't take it personally. Whatever your teenager does or says is about them and their thoughts. Not about you. Listen to what they have to say, consider whether there is something you can learn from it, and decide who you want to be moving forward. Number three. Listen, if your teen is stressed out and they're willing to talk about it, the best thing you can do for them is listen. Try and keep them focused on what they're feeling instead of why validate their feelings. Be curious and try to understand what they are experiencing. Whatever you do, do not give advice. This is not the time. If you offer advice before they feel heard and understood, they will defend their position to try and get you to understand. The more they defend a position, the more they will believe it. Once they feel understood, they will be able to come up with ideas of how to move forward on their own. And they will be much more open to your ideas and solutions too. Number four, take a break. Your teen may not want to talk about it, and sometimes the best thing you can do is just to take a break. Invite them to go get a soda, or ice cream, or hot chocolate with you. Walk around the block with them, or go get the mail together. Blast their favorite song so you can both sing along at the top of your lungs. Even just getting them to come into the kitchen for a glass of ice water could be enough of a break to dissipate the stress for a minute. Deep breathing exercises can also be really helpful in relieving stress. Just taking a few deep breaths can melt the stress away and give your teen a little bit of space to think more clearly. Often when our teens get really stressed, they stop making time for friends and family, which actually ends up adding to their stress. If your teen has been working hard and hasn't been making time for fun, encourage them to take some time for fun. Your teenager is not designed to be a workhorse. Fun is good for their brain, it's good for their productivity, and it's good for their creativity. Number five, make sure their physical needs are met. When my teens are stressed out, the first thing to go is sleep. They stay up late trying to get everything done and they're still up early, but fatigue actually adds to their stress and makes them much less capable of handling stress. Encourage your team to get enough sleep. Even if it means taking a quick break for a nap, letting them sleep in extra late on a Saturday, or even missing first period so they can catch up on those Z's. Other physical needs that may make it more difficult for your teen to handle stress are not getting proper nutrition, not getting enough movement or exercise. Spending too much time on a screen, not spending enough time outside and not making time for fun and social connection. Number six, take the pressure off. Sometimes our teens feel stressed because they're trying to live up to our expectations or other people's expectations. You can relieve some of that stress by making sure that your teen knows that you love them regardless of what they do or accomplish. Let them know that their health and happiness are more important to you than 4. 0 GPAs, sports accomplishments, or scholarships. Your teen is amazing and valuable and worthy just the way they are. No accomplishment or lack of accomplishment will change their worth. As a person who has grown up in a world that values accomplishment and results, I have really grappled with this truth. But the more I lean into it, the better parent and person I become. If this concept is challenging for you to embrace, schedule a free parenting strategy session with me and we can work through it together. Number seven, focus on one thing. If your teen is open to it, help them figure out the next step. Often when we are stressed out or overwhelmed, our brain can only see everything we need to do together as one giant, unachievable task. Our brains can only handle one thing at a time. So, help your teen determine the one thing that they can do right now. It can be really helpful to write down everything you need to do and get it out of your brain. But sometimes that can feel really overwhelming. So I love asking this question instead. What is one thing you can do right now? It focuses your brain on a couple of key things. It narrows your focus to one thing, it helps you think about what you can control, and it focuses you on the present moment. Let your teen know that you are there to support them and willing to help if they need it. They may not need your help, but knowing that you have their back could be just what they need to face the stuff that's stressing them out. I hope these tips give you a good starting point to help your teen when they are feeling stressed out, but the real key is to teach them stress management skills when they aren't feeling overwhelmed by stress and then helping them to learn how to manage their time and their tasks to prevent unnecessary stress in the first place. The most effective way you can do that is to model healthy time and stress management skills yourself. This month in my Enjoy Coaching community, we are learning all about how to handle stress and overwhelm. Not only will you learn the skills you need to deal with stress and overwhelm, but you will get personalized help from me through Marco Polo Coaching as well throughout the month. The doors are only open for about a week and the link is in the show notes. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership I'm so excited to help you have less stress and overwhelm this holiday season so you have more time to enjoy your family. I'll see you inside.