10 Easy Ways to Love Your Teenager Better

Today I'm bringing back one of my favorite episodes from the podcast about how to love your teen well. In this episode, I share 10 easy ways to show your teen that you love them. But I'm also sharing my feel the love strategy, which is something that I use in my own parenting all the time. Because let's face it, you are not always going to feel all the hard eyes for your teenagers.   Sometimes they're going to drive you crazy, and as much as we like to fake it ‘till we make it, our teenagers can see right through that. So this is my favorite way to get back in the right mindset so that the things that we do to try and connect with our teens and show them that we love them actually come across the right way.     Do you remember when your teenager was just a toddler? They were so little and cute and snuggly. I actually had a few kids that were always on the move and rarely had time to stop for snuggles, but one of my daughters was particularly cuddly. She used to come up to me a dozen times a day and say “I wanna hold ya’” which meant she wanted me to pick her up and hold her. Even then, I knew how much the memory of her sweet little toddler voice saying “I wanna hold ya” would warm my heart as she got bigger and stopped saying it.   But years later, that same darling daughter became much less snuggly. In fact, there was a period of time where she would tense up in disgust if I even tried to give her a quick hug. Our teenagers need to know that we love them…in fact, it is probably what they need the very most from us as their parents. But how do we show them that we love them when everything we try makes them roll their eyes or call us “cringe”? How do we show them we love them when the things we do seem to make them even more annoyed with us?     A tactical approach won’t work with teens   You could easily search google or pinterest and come up with hundreds of hits for “ways to show your teen your love them.” But a lot of the things on those lists are things you have probably already tried unsuccessfully. The thing is, all those lists are full of great ideas, but a tactical approach doesn’t work with teenagers.   Whether we are talking about ways to show you love them, ways to connect with them, how to keep them safe on their phones or punishments that really work, there are hundreds of great ideas out there. But what really matters isn’t what you do, but how you do it.   Teenagers have a highly sensitive authenticity meter. They can tell whether you really mean it or whether you are just going through the motions trying to check things off the list of how to be a good parent. So often this is the reason why new tactics we try with our teens don’t work. It isn’t because they aren’t great ideas, it is because we have the wrong motivation behind them.     Are you sabotaging your efforts to make your teen feel loved?   As I coach parents I notice that often the driving forces behind their parenting decisions are actually more likely to push their teen away that bring them closer.   A few of the most common examples of motivations that fall in this category are: -       Because that is what good parents do -       Because I’m worried about what will happen if I don’t -       Because that is what a healthy relationship with my teen should look like -       Because I want a specific outcome that I think is best for my teen -       Because I want my teen to feel better -       Because I want to feel better   Often parents don’t even realize what is motivating their parenting decisions, which is why having a coach to help you identify them can be so helpful. Even as a trained coach, I sometimes struggle to see the things motivating my own decisions because I am so deep in my own story. It reminds me of the movie “You’ve Got Mail” with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Listen, if you haven’t seen that movie, I am not sure we can still be friends. Kidding, of course, but seriously go see it! As the viewer you know that Joe Fox is also “NY152” and Kathleen Kelley is “shopgirl” but they have no idea. So they go on the whole movie long thinking that they hate each other when you know if they could only see what you can see from an outside perspective, they would actually really like each other.     A better approach to show your teen you love them   Even if parents do know what is motivating them, they often don’t realize that their motivation is a problem. Of course we want our teen to feel better…what parent wouldn’t? But when that is the motivation for what you are doing, your teen is likely to sense that you are trying to control (or manipulate) them – so that they can feel better - and their automatic response will be to push back, even if they would also like to feel better.   So when it comes to showing your teen you love them, check in with yourself to find out why you want to show them you love them. Is it because you want them to feel loved? Is it because you want them to feel more comfortable at home? Is it because you think families should be loving? Is it because you are worried about them seeking acceptance and love in the wrong places? Is it because you are worried that if you don’t show them you love them enough you will be the topic of their therapy for the rest of their lives?   If so, that is totally fine. You are allowed to experience all of it! But the motivation that will be the most effective in showing your teen that you love them, is simply that you love them. I know that seems a little meta, but when you let go of all that other drama and just focus on how much you love your teenager, whatever you do will come across as more genuine instead of cringey, manipulative, forced or awkward.     Feel the Love Strategy   One of my favorite ways to get myself in the right mindset is just to make a list in my mind of 5-10 things I love about them before spending time with them. You could even keep a note in your phone where you list the things you love about each child so you can just take a quick look at it on the days when you are having a hard time coming up with a list.     Don’t get discouraged   Don’t worry, I am going to share some ideas for things you can actually do to show your teen you love them, but there is one other thing I want to make sure you know before we get into the tactical ideas. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but your teen won’t always be receptive. Even when you are motivated by just loving them, they might still roll their eyes or call you cringey or get annoyed. That doesn’t mean they don’t feel loved or appreciate your effort.   Your teen wants so badly to be independent. They might think that they are more independent if they don’t need your love. They might think they are more independent if they act like they don’t need you at all.   So I am going to tell you what they might not be able to: they still need you. They need your love. They need your acceptance. And they will for the rest of their lives. That won’t end when they turn 18 and head off to college. It won’t end when they get married and have a family of their own. They will always need you to love them well.     10 Ways to Show Your Teen You Love Them   1.      Learn their love language – Have your teen take the quiz over at https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language . You can take it too. This will help you understand your teen better so you can show love in the ways that are most important to them.  It’s also a fun conversation starter to get you talking about what you want love to look like in your home and in your family. 2.     Spend time with them – I know it can be tricky to find time to spend with your teen because you are busy and they are busy, but even just taking them to run an errand with you or running to grab a drink at the gas station can give you a little bit more time together. When you do spend time together, give them your full attention. You don’t have to sit and stare into their eyes, but put your phone away and give them your undivided attention. 3.     Celebrate them- When they try out for a team or audition for a part or take a big test, celebrate with them. Celebrate their efforts instead of just their accomplishments. And don’t just celebrate the big stuff…celebrate the little stuff too! This could be a special dinner, an ice cream date, a note on their pillow or a bouquet of flowers. 4.    Apologize when you make mistakes – Being humble enough to admit your mistakes and respecting your teen enough to make things right is an act of love. Don’t follow your “I’m sorry,” with a bunch of reasons why you can justify your behavior. Just tell them you are sorry and you are trying to do better. 5.    Get interested in their interests – My husband is so good at this with our kids. If they are interested in Pokemon Go, he loads the app and goes for drives and walks to find all the Pokemon they can. If they are into a new book series, he reads it too so he can talk to them about it. If they are playing on a basketball team, he makes time to go out and play basketball with them. If they love thrifting, he goes to their favorite thrift store with them and finds random things that will make them laugh. When your teen feels like their interests are important to you, they feel like they are important to you. 6.    Listen to them – Really listen without judgement. Don’t think about what you are going to say next, just listen to what they have to say. Get genuinely curious to understand what they think and feel and know. Your teen is incredible and unique and fun and when you really listen to them, you will love them so much more! 7.     Create special traditions and routines to love them – Often your teen will be less resistant to your efforts to show you love them when they are expecting and looking forward to it. We have a bunch of these at our house. One my kids love is wrapped birthday lunches. We get their favorite food and drinks and wrap each item before we put it in their lunchbox. Then we wrap the lunchbox. It makes them feel so special when they are unwrapping it at lunch and everyone knows it is their birthday. Another love tradition we have is to heart attack our kids’ doors from Feb 1 – Valentine’s Day. We add a heart to their door every day with something we love about them. 8.    Focus on the positive – There is always plenty of stuff to correct and criticize, but focusing on the things your teen is doing right will be much more effective in showing them you love them. It will also be much more effective in creating more of the behavior you like and less of the behavior you don’t. 9.    Try to say YES instead of automatically saying no – Your teen asks you for a lot and sometimes we get in the mode of saying some version of no. So often we could actually say yes without a lot of trouble. And even when we have to say no, we can reframe it as a yes. Instead of No, you can’t go to the mall with your friends. Yes, I can take you to the mall later since it won’t work for you to go now. When you try to respond with a yes instead of a no, your teen feels heard and validated. And, they are less likely to get defensive or feel like you never give them what they want. 10.   Hug them – We have talked about this plenty of times before on the podcast, but your teen needs hugs! Make it a routine or ease them into it, but make sure you are giving your teen at least one hug every single day. They might fight you on it, but those big strong teens still need a hug from their mom!     There are so many ways you can show your teen you love them but whatever you do, make sure you check your motivation, generate that genuine feeling of love for them, don’t take it personally if they don’t respond the way you’d hoped and keep on showing up and loving them