97. Low Self Esteem in Teenagers === I think that one thing all of us want as parents of teenagers is to help our kids build their self esteem, build their confidence and security in who they are. And it's something that is really a struggle in the world we live in right now. Self esteem at its very core is a deep understanding of your value, your worth as a human. And I think that there are so many influences that are impacting our teenagers ability to develop that sense of worth and value as a human. They are getting messages. Thousands of times a day about who they should be, how they should be, how they should look, how they should act, who they should be friends with. And of course, they're getting a lot of these messages from social media and from the media in general, from movies and books and TV shows. But they're also getting these messages from the people around them every day. They're getting these messages from their friends. And from the people, they wouldn't even consider to be friends. And they're getting these messages within the four walls of our own homes. And while we can't bubble wrap our kids and protect them from all the influences outside of our home, we are the ones in control of the message we are sharing in our homes. And we have to make sure that that message about who they are, about their worth and their value as a human is coming through loud and clear. And I think that we could all get on board and agree that this is so, so important. We all want to send our kids the message that they are good just the way they are. And yet, so often, the message that we as parents are sending to our teenagers is that they are not good. The way they are, that in fact, they need to change, that they need to be different, that they need to be something else to be good. And I know that's not the message that any of us want to be sending to our kids. And yet we don't actually understand our worth or theirs on a deep enough level that we can communicate anything else. Even if our words are saying, you are good, you are valued, you are whole, our actions are saying something different. Because we don't actually believe that. So many parents actually do believe that their teen would be better if they were different, if they were more motivated, if they were more outgoing, if they were more dedicated, if they were more responsible. And while those traits and qualities will serve them, for sure, we want to develop all of those things, the message that they are not good unless they are those things is the message that is coming through loud and clear to our teenagers. And it is a message we have got to stop sending. As I have worked with dozens of moms, I have realized that the root of this message actually has nothing to do with your teenager. In fact, it has everything to do with you, with your belief about your own value as a human. When you believe on a deep level that your worth is dependent on what you do and how well you do it and how much you contribute in the world. That somehow contributing more and doing more and being more and doing it better makes you more valuable. You will send that message to your teenager, whether you like it or not, whether you're trying to or not. And they will internalize that message about themselves. But as with everything I teach here on the podcast, I am here to bring you hope that you do not have to continue to think this way about yourself. And you do not have to continue to think this way about your teen. And you do not have to continue sending this message to your teenager in the walls of your own home every single day. You do not have to reinforce the messages that are coming at them from all the external sources that are telling them they're not enough. But it has to start with you. So let's talk about worth. Let's better understand where worth comes from and what worth really means in our lives. To illustrate this, I want you to imagine a fresh, crisp, newly printed $100 bill. I want you to imagine what it smells like, and what it looks like, and how it feels in your hand. When we hold that 100 bill in our hands, It is full of possibility and potential, right? There are so many different ways that we could spend this 100 bill, and it's so fun to hold it in our hands because it's crisp and new. But what about when that 100 bill has been spent hundreds and thousands of times over, and it's looking a little bit crumpled, or maybe a little bit ripped on an edge? Or maybe someone's toddler found it and decided to make it their new coloring project and there's writing or coloring all over it. Imagine holding that hundred dollar bill in your hand. What does it feel like? What does it look like? What does it smell like? In reality, we'd probably all rather have the crisp hundred dollar bill that doesn't leave a film of filth on our fingers when we set it down. But does it really matter? Both of those bills Are worth $100. From the minute it is printed to the minute it is destroyed, that a hundred dollar bill will always have $100 worth of value. And fun fact, even if a hundred dollars bill gets ripped and part of the bill is missing, as long as you still have three quarters of that a hundred dollar bill. It is still worth the full $100 and you can still spend it. If you are missing more than a quarter of the bill, you can actually submit that bill to the mutilated currency division and they will put it through some checks and balances to make sure there's no fraud going on and determine whether they can reimburse you for the amount of that bill. The value of the 100 bill is never less than $100. And you my friend, are the same. Now you are infinitely more valuable than a $100 bill. That is a fact. But for the sake of this example, I'm going to use a hundred dollars to represent the value of a human. When you were born, you were fresh and clean and new and crisp like that a hundred dollars bill. You were worth $100. You were worth 100% of the value of a human being. And throughout your life, you've probably gotten some bumps and bruises, some scratches, some rips. You've been crinkled and wrinkled, and possibly even a whole corner of you has been ripped off. You have been colored on, and you have been made to believe that in this crinkled and wrinkled and crumpled state that you are worth less than a hundred dollars. But you are worth 100 dollars, no matter what. Your value has been set since the beginning of your existence, and nothing can change the value. But let's circle back to the idea that I shared earlier in the episode about thinking that our teens would be better if they were more responsible, if they were more respectful, if they were more motivated. How does this have to do with worth? The worth of a hundred dollar bill does not change depending on where you spend it. That 100 bill is worth 100 dollars of lifesaving medication. It's worth 100 dollars of hard street drugs. It's worth 100 dollars of meals for the homeless. It's worth 100 dollars of concert tickets. Where you spend the money does not change the value of the money. It changes the impact that money has on the world. It changes how you feel about the money you've spent, and it might even change how you feel about money in general, but the value of the money. doesn't change. And your value and your teen's value as a human does not change depending on what you decide to spend your value doing in the world. When we can start to see ourselves as the whole and valuable humans that we are, when we can see that we are worth a hundred dollars, even if we've been walking around thinking we were a five dollar bill, we are worth one hundred dollars. And when we can see our teens that way, too, everything changes. When we see that they are inherently good, we will treat them differently. We won't have to be so afraid of what will happen if they're not more motivated, or more responsible, or more respectful. Because we know that their value is not dependent on any of that. Their value is set. They are worthy. They are good just the way they are. And the only thing that changes is what they want to spend that hundred dollars on. How do they want to spend their life? What is the contribution they want to make with their value? And when they know their value, they're not going to try and make $5 worth of contribution in the world when they are a hundred dollar bill. But we have to make sure that the message we are sending our teens is that they are a hundred dollar bill. They are not a 1 bill. They are not a 5 bill. They do not need to change or be different to be a hundred dollar bill. They have been a hundred dollar bill since the moment they were created, and they will be a hundred dollar bill for the rest of their existence. I was talking with a client about this exact topic the other day, and she asked me the best question. She said, I want to believe this, and I know that this is what is holding me back in so many places in my life, but I don't know how to believe this. This client grew up thinking that she was a 5 bill and that the only way to increase her value was to be more and to do more and to contribute more. So I told her a belief is just a thought that we have practiced over and over so many times that it has become automatic. And if you want to believe something different, you just have to practice believing the new thought over and over and over until it becomes automatic. So if you want to improve your teen self esteem, if you want to make sure that the message they are getting inside of your home about who they are is one that says you are inherently good, you are inherently valuable, you are inherently worthy, you have to practice believing that about them over and over and over again. And you can't believe that about them if you don't believe that about you. All right, we're taking a breath. I feel like I have been up on my soapbox for this entire podcast episode because this is something I just feel so strongly and so passionately about. The way we see ourselves and the way we see our teens impacts everything else we do. It is the sturdy foundation upon which everything else in our lives is built. I want you to know that I see your value. I know that you are a hundred dollar bill. And if you ever forget it, if you're ever struggling to believe it, I would love to help you remember.
