Make a Fresh Start With Your Teen

Our first house had a tiny garage that looked like it might cave in at any given moment. My husband is really handy and after a few years of working on some remodeling projects on the inside of our house, we decided it was time to deal with the garage situation. We purchased a garage kit from the local hardware store complete with plans and all the supplies and we were prepared to do all the work – except one thing: laying the cement. We decided to hire someone to pour the concrete slab for us and started getting bids. We asked for some recommendations from family and friends and one of them recommended a guy that had done a bunch of work for them that they had been really happy with. We had used their recommendations in the past and had good experiences, so when their guy offered to do the slab AND the demo for the same price as most of the other bids just for the slab, we were thrilled.   Demo day came, and this guy and his crew made quick work of tearing down our old garage and filling a dumpster with all the debris and we were so thankful we had decided to hire that part out instead of doing it ourselves. He showed up with his crew to start leveling things out and doing all the prep work, but as time went on he started showing up less and less and the project started moving more slowly.   Finally, it was time to pour the foundation for the garage. The footings were mostly framed out and he told us we would have to pay for the cement trucks before we could schedule them. With a little bit of hesitation, we agreed and handed over the check that covered the bulk of what he had quoted for the remainder of the work.   And then, this man disappeared. Here we were with mostly framed footings, our budget for this part of the project nearly gone and no cement or people to lay the cement. We tried everything we could think of to get a hold of the contractor, including showing up at his house, but it was a lost cause. After worrying and stressing and frantically leaving voice messages trying to convince him to show up, we realized that he was not going to be the person who laid the footings or our garage.   But at this point, we were committed. Our backyard was all torn apart, we had already purchased the garage kit and we couldn’t postpone the delivery of all the lumber and trusses much longer. We felt completely stuck. So, we finished building out the footings and scraped together the remaining budget to pay for the cement trucks that the contractor never ordered with the money we had paid him.   We quizzed every person we knew who knew anything about pouring cement and watched all the youtube videos we could find. My father-in-law had poured cement before and with his promise of help and vote of confidence that we could do this, we scheduled those concrete trucks and enlisted the help of every friend and family member who knew anything about construction.   Turns out, laying a small area of concrete does not in any way prepare you to lay a 500 square foot single pour garage slab. Knee deep in concrete, physically and mentally exhausted and realizing that we were in way over our heads, we regretted our decision very much. But we gave it our best because at that point there was no turning back. Spoiler alert: the garage floor did not turn out pretty. But it was level and it was strong and the garage we built on top of it was sturdy, functional and beautiful. …And lesson learned…we will probably never attempt to pour concrete ourselves again.   Have you ever felt like this when it comes to your parenting or relationships or commitments? Like you are so far in that you can’t turn back or change course now. You feel so committed to this way of thinking or doing things that you are certain there is no other option.   I definitely have.   But, because I love you, I want to let you in on a little secret that I have learned in my collective decades of parenting experience: you are never stuck.   Start Fresh Any Time You Want   You can start fresh any time you want. There is always room for us to start over, choose something different or take a different approach.   Just because you have always done something a certain way: the same curfew for all of your kids, waiting until a certain age to give your kids a phone or strict limits on when they are allowed to go to the movies with friends but without an adult…doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it that way. I mean, there is nothing wrong with continuing to do it that way if you still want to, but not because you think it is the only option.   When we feel stuck, we limit our own creativity. We stop looking for solutions and we feel like we are victims of our own lives. We allow our circumstances to take us hostage and we feel helpless to make a change.   The only thing holding you hostage is the belief that you are stuck.   What would change if you believed that you could just start fresh whenever you want?   Try Again   When my twin boys were toddlers they were hard. Nothing had ever tested my patience so much in my life. They were constantly causing mischief, making messes and destroying things. And as much as I tried to be patient and loving, I was exhausted and I often lost my temper.   I used to post their crazy antics on Instagram with the hashtag #twindestruction and have the evidence in a number of chatbooks on my shelf. We can laugh about the stories now (and man, I have some good stories), but when we were in the thick of it, it wasn’t funny and I honestly wondered how I would get through.   Years later, I was talking to a friend of mine and she reminded me of something I had told her during those crazy years that really impacted her. It was something I didn’t even remember saying it, but I have thought about it often ever since.   One time she had asked me how I was surviving the chaos of my life and I had told her that the twins were challenging, but they gave me lots of opportunities to practice doing things better. Every time they made a new mess or caused some mischief or destroyed something, I got to practice responding better than I had the last time. I had so many chances every day to try again.   Look, I was sleep deprived and exhausted trying to keep up with the demands of 6 kids, but the belief that I could try again next time helped me survive without losing my mind.   If you are constantly arguing with your teenager, everything they say that you disagree with is an opportunity to try something different. If you are constantly nagging your teenager, every time they don’t respond the first time you ask is a chance for you to try something different. If your teenager is disrespectful, every time they say something rude is an opportunity for you to approach it differently. If your teen leaves their stuff all over the house, or doesn’t care about grades, or forgets to ask permission before making plans with friends, every time they do it is an opportunity for you to try a different approach.   NOW is the Best Time for a Fresh Start   If you want things to be different than they are right now, you have to start thinking, feeling and responding differently. And sure, it would have been great if you had started making those changes days, weeks, months, years ago, but the next best time to start is right now!   In the podcast last week I talked about how there is no such thing as failure…just opportunities for learning. The same is true in your parenting.   Stop beating yourself up for doing it all wrong. Stop thinking you have failed your kids. Stop feeling guilty that you haven’t been the mom you wanted to be.   Look back at all you have done along our parenting journey as an education on what worked and what didn’t. What felt like the person you wanted to be…and what didn’t. What created more love and connection and what didn’t.   Decide to try and do more of what worked, what felt like who you want to be and what created more love and connection.   Whether your kids are 2, 17 or 42, decide to start fresh TODAY.   And when you fall short, because you will, give yourself grace and remember that you can start fresh again next time.   Give your Teen a Fresh Start too   And give your teen the same grace.   Instead of thinking that they are irresponsible or disrespectful or selfish…what if you gave them a fresh start each time you interact with them. A clean slate to show up in whatever way they want to right now.   Can you imagine what a gift it would be to have a clean slate with the people you love…even  (and especially) after you have behaved badly?   Our teenagers experience a wide range of emotions every day, and most are not completely within their control. A hormone surge might send them into an angry rage or a complete meltdown. A hard day with friendships might make them extra sensitive to your requests. Without a fresh start, your teen might feel like they need to defend their previous actions and continue being mad, sad, offended or frustrated. But if they know you will give them a fresh start, they are much more likely to let the emotion move along.   Can you imagine the safety your child would feel with you if you gave them a dozen fresh starts every day? Can you imagine how loved they might feel if you didn’t hold it against them every time they didn’t show up as their best self?   Offer them this gift by making fresh starts part of your parenting strategy. Whether you lose your temper or they are the one that is rude, sometimes, all it takes is a genuine, “hey, can we start over?”   This approach takes off all the pressure to be perfect, but it also creates room for better relationships, more connection, new ideas and creativity.   So if you ever feel like my husband and I did when the contractor disappeared and the budget was gone and the delivery of supplies couldn’t be postponed, remember that you are never stuck.   Just like my toddler twins, our teens give us lots of opportunities to practice doing things better and try again.   Don’t beat yourself up if you have made a lot of mistakes along the way. Right NOW is the best time for a fresh start.   Make fresh starts part of your parenting strategy. Let your teen feel the safety and love of a fresh start every time they need one.   The start of a new year is a great time for a fresh start! In January I always want to start cleaning out cupboards and drawers. Taking everything out to see what I have, getting rid of the stuff that I don’t need and carefully putting back the stuff I really want so that it is easy to find and use. That is exactly the work we will be doing in my ENJOY Coaching Community in January, but instead of your cupboards and drawers, we will be looking at your life and your parenting. If you are sick of being overwhelmed, unfulfilled and living in survival mode, this month will give you the fresh start you are craving. If you are thinking that this could be just what you need, don’t doubt your intuition. Join now at the link in the show notes. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership