95. Mom Grief === As parents of teens, we talk a lot about the emotional rollercoaster that our kids are on. The ups, the downs, the twists and turns, the never knowing from moment to moment and day to day what we are going to get from our teens. But I think one of the things we forget to talk about is that as parents, we are also riding our own emotional rollercoaster as well. Yeah, it looks different from our teen's emotional rollercoaster, but we are still experiencing all the ups and downs and twists and turns that parenting brings into our lives. And while on this podcast, I have talked a lot about emotions, how to manage them, how to respond to them, how we need to be the emotional thermostat for our kids instead of being an emotional thermometer for them. I think it's also really important to acknowledge that we are humans and we have emotions and they are normal. And part of the experience of being a parent is that we are going to have some emotions That are challenging. And one of those emotions that I think we don't talk about enough is grief. Grief is the emotion that we feel when we lose someone or something that we love. And I think it's so important that we acknowledge that grief is a part of the parenting journey. As our kids grow and evolve and become who they are going to become, they also leave behind versions of themselves that we have grown to love. They leave behind phases and stages of their life that we have cherished, that we have enjoyed. And so it's only natural that we would experience grief as part of our parenting journey. I think this is one of the main reasons why it is so challenging for parents who are just on the brink of entering the teen years, because they see that this little kid who they just love and adore is changing into someone else. And they aren't sure if they're going to like that someone else because society has told us that you probably won't like your teenager. And so they dread that because they want to hang on to these moments that they have with this little kid as long as they possibly can. And if you are in this stage of parenting, I want you to know that I am right there with you and I understand. In just about a month, my twins, the babies of our family, are going to graduate from elementary school. That will end an era of 15 years of being an elementary school parent. And while I am looking forward to the next phase of their life with excitement and not dread because I actually love having teenagers, there is also some grief that comes with this change and this transition. I can already see how some of that sweet unconditional love they have for their mama is being replaced with disinterest. Or sometimes even disdain. I can see all the signs that they're becoming more independent. That they're less interested in hanging out with me and with our family, and more interested in doing things on their own and with their friends. And so it makes total sense that I'm feeling a little bit of grief about this transition because I'm losing something that I have loved. At the same time, I have a daughter who is about to get her driver's permit, and she is so excited for this new level of freedom and learning that she is about to embark on. And I'm excited for her, and I know how helpful it is to have kids that drive because I've done this a couple of times, and man, it is a life changer. But it also comes with grief. I'm going to miss those moments in the car when she tells me all about everything that happened. at the activity I just picked her up from. I'm going to miss hearing the conversations in my back seat between her and her friends and knowing all the things that are going on in the world of high school. And of course, having done this before, I know that this also means she won't be around as much. And it makes perfect sense that I would feel some grief about this because again, I'm losing something that I have loved. Another one of my daughters started her first job a few months ago. It has been so exciting for her and so fun for me to watch her step into her role as an employee, but it also has come with some grief. Now that she has a job, we've lost a little bit of that freedom we had in scheduling. I remember feeling the same way when my oldest started high school, and all of a sudden we lost so much flexibility in when we could plan family vacations. No longer could we just pick up and go on vacation whenever we wanted because the flights were cheap or the park was going to be less crowded. Instead, we had to work around school schedules and sports practices and tournaments. And it makes total sense that I would feel some grief because I loved that freedom. And for all the moms out there who are just wrapping up their child's last year of high school, that comes with a lot of grief. Every last sport, every last activity, every last dance comes with a tinge of grief. Because you are losing something you have loved. I hope that as I have talked about these different times when I have felt grief as a parent, that it has validated your own experience of grief in the transitions and changes that you have experienced with your teen. And I want to share some ideas for how to navigate that grief, what to do when it comes up. But before I do, I want to talk about a few more situations where you might find yourself experiencing grief as a parent. If your child has ever received a diagnosis that has a significant impact on their You have probably experienced quite a bit of grief in association with that diagnosis. Grief about the experiences this child is going to face. Grief about the impact it's going to have on your family. Grief about all the things that might change for them and for you. If you have felt this way, I want you to know that this is normal. It is okay, and more than okay, it's actually necessary for you to grieve the loss of the life you thought you were going to have when that diagnosis, and the reality of what it means in your life and in your child's life and in your family's life, hits you flat in the face. Similarly, when your child faces challenges that you had hoped they would never have to endure, it is normal and it is appropriate to feel grief about that. This could include addiction, or faith crisis, or questioning their gender identity or orientation, or self harm, or bullying, or loneliness. All of these, and so many more challenges that your teen might face, Take away the life experience you thought you were going to have. And it is so normal to feel grief about that. And finally, you might feel a lot of grief when you look back on all the things you've done as a parent and wish you had done things differently. It is normal and natural to feel some grief that you didn't know then what you know now, that you didn't do then what you know to do now, that you didn't learn this earlier. And when we don't realize that we need to grieve this, that we need to grieve the fact that we didn't know better, that we didn't learn it earlier, that we didn't do it differently, we stay stuck forever in regret. The beautiful thing about grief is that it is an emotion that moves us forward. Grief allows us to acknowledge the loss that we have experienced, without judging it, and then allow it to become a part of us, to teach us something, so that we can move forward embracing what we still have. When you experience grief in your parenting, whether it's from a normal transition that we all go through, or a challenge that your teen is facing, or a diagnosis that has come into your life, or even just wishing things were different than they are, or mourning the loss of the life that you thought you were going to have. There are three things that you can do that will help you get through it. First, you have to acknowledge it. You have to name it, call it what it is. This is grief that I am experiencing because I have lost something I cared about, or I have lost something I thought I was going to have that I really cared about. This is normal. Know that if you experience grief in your parenting, there is nothing wrong with you. This is a normal part of your experience. In order to acknowledge it, sometimes it's really helpful to just talk through it with a friend or a coach or a counselor, or even to journal about it. Recognize that this is an indication of something that you love, something that you really care about, and that is why you are experiencing grief. So often, part of this is just letting go of all the judgment that you have for yourself for experiencing grief. Grief doesn't mean you're not excited for the next phase. Grief doesn't mean you don't accept your child for who they are. Grief doesn't mean that you aren't going to take on this challenge and get through it together. Grief just means that you have lost something that you cared about. And truly, that is something to appreciate. After you have acknowledged your grief, without judgment, you have to allow yourself to feel it in your body. None of us want to feel grief because it doesn't feel particularly good. But, we have to allow ourselves to experience it. If you don't know how to process an emotion in your body, I do have a free mini class that you can download that will walk you through that process and give you a little cheat sheet of how to do it. But especially when it comes to grief, we cannot put a time limit on how long we will experience it. Grief, like many of our emotions, will come and go like waves in the ocean. Some of those waves are going to be huge and intense and feel really strong, and others are just going to be gentle and small. And we have to be willing to allow the grief, regardless of its size. The only way through grief is to allow it. And finally, we have to let our grief move us forward. My favorite way to learn from grief is to let it be a clue about what I really care about, what really matters most to me in my life so that I can spend more of my time and more of my energy and more of my effort there. When that wave of grief comes and washes over us because our child is moving to a new phase of life or a new school or a new group of friends, and we feel some grief about it, we can look back at the experience we've had and think, what is it that I love and care about so much in the experience they've been having? Because there's a good chance that there actually will be a lot of that in the next phase, too. And we just have to be watching for it and looking for the different ways it might show up so that we can enjoy it in the moment before it's gone. If you're feeling grief over a diagnosis that your child has been given, consider what it is that you loved and cared about that you are now going to miss. And think about how that can still be yours, how you can still have what you want, maybe in a different package and in a different way than you thought it was going to come, but it can still be yours. And when you feel grief about what you wish you had done differently, recognize that that is a sign of what you care about, of what you love, of what you value most, and that can help you focus on those things moving forward. The message that I hope you will take with you from this episode today is that grief is a very normal part of parenting. It is an indication of the things you love and care about the most. And when you allow it to be part of your experience and allow it to teach you, your life will get better and better as a result.
