Do you ever get frustrated with the way your teenager spends their time? Walking in a room to find all of my kids sitting on the couch playing on their phones is a serious trigger for me. It drives me crazy to see them spending their time and energy on something that I think is so pointless. And I know I am not alone in this. So many parents want to know how they can motivate their teen. We want them to go out and have fun experiences, get good grades, get a job, make money, learn new skills and help others. We want them to contribute and connect and follow their passions. As moms, we see their potential and we just want to help them reach it! And we think that if we could just figure out how to motivate them, these kids of ours would be unstoppable. Motivation is a desire or a willingness to do something. It is a feeling that is created by our thoughts. To me motivation feels like a combination of hope, possibility, empowerment and excitement. When we think motivating thoughts, our bodies actually experience a physiological response. When we anticipate that something important or rewarding is about to happen, our brains release dopamine in anticipation. It is essentially our body’s way of predicting a reward, positive feedback or accomplishment and giving us a little sample taste of what that will feel like, so that we will take the action needed to get it. And it doesn’t stop there…motivation creates momentum. Since we get another surge of dopamine when we actually get the reward, feedback or sense of accomplishment, our bodies keep wanting more, so it creates a continuous surge of motivation. A perfect example of this is one of my favorite motivation hacks: Whenever I am feeling overwhelmed or unmotivated or just blah, I make my bed or pick up a few things or sweep the floor. I get to experience the reward of accomplishing a task, which gives me that dopamine hit and motivates me to keep going. But at some point motivation will always fade and that is ok. Motivation is an ebb and flow. Feeling discouraged or unmotivated doesn’t mean anything is wrong, it just means that we are in the ebb between the flows. The more we think lack of motivation is a problem, the more we will perpetuate feeling unmotivated. We aren’t likely to feel empowered, hopeful or excited when we are thinking there is something wrong with us. The bad news is, Since motivation is a feeling created by our thoughts, we can’t actually motivate our kids. Sure, we can try to get them to take action using rewards and consequences and threats, but just because they take action doesn’t mean that action is coming from motivation. But why does that matter? Just like my motivation hack example, I can take action before I feel motivated, so that should be true of our teens too, right? It is, but the challenge we run into when we try to motivate someone else to take action, is that we can actually do a lot of damage if we approach it the wrong way. - We might try to get our teens to take action to make us or someone else happy. While this can work in the short term, it can also lead us to a lifetime of people pleasing and cause them to live their life at the effect of others. If they can’t make someone happy, they don’t experience that “reward” of positive feedback, so they manipulate others or change themselves in pursuit of that positive feedback. - We might try to get our teens to take action out of fear of what will happen if they don’t. And while fear can get them to take action to avoid a negative consequence, it damages our relationship in the long term and holds them back from reaching their full potential. If you teach them to take action from fear, they are more likely to let anxiety and fear control them throughout their life. Plus, we always perform better from motivation than we do from fear. - We might try to get our teen to take action to improve. It seems so great to push them to reach their potential…to be their best selves and achieve success, but it can lead to shame and self-worth issues. They may end up spending a lifetime trying to prove their worth and value. They may define themselves by what they accomplish and still end up feeling inadequate. If you have ever tried to motivate your teen using these tactics, you are not alone – I have made all of these mistakes too. That is why I want to share another strategy that is much more effective. Instead of trying to get your teen to take actions that look like motivation, focus on creating an environment where they can actually learn how to create motivation for themselves. When your teen learns how to create motivation, they will naturally take more action. The better they get at creating motivation, the more self-sufficient and driven they will be. The reality is that we won’t always be there to get our teen to do what needs to be done. One day, they are going to move out of our house, and nobody is going to be there to make sure they do their laundry or pay their bills or turn in their homework. If we want our teens to reach their full potential, they need to have the drive to keep going when we aren’t there to bribe, encourage, threaten and remind them. Here are 5 things you can do to create an environment where your teen can learn and practice motivation. 1. Strong Relationships A sense of belonging and connection creates space for motivation to grow. When we know that we are loved and cared for, we can go after our dreams and goals (and daily tasks) without worrying about our emotional safety. While people pleasing is not a great motivation strategy, relationships that we care about ARE extremely motivating to us. The stronger your relationship and connection with your teen, the more receptive they will be to your suggestions, ideas and encouragement. Love is our greatest tool for inspiring motivation in our teens. A connected relationship is also the key to finding out what your teen really wants out of life, their goals and vision and who they want to be. And then, you can play the supporting role in helping them get there. Ask how you can support them in reaching their goals and if they don’t know, offer some ideas of what you could do to help 2. Healthy Habits Just like emotional safety creates space for motivation to grow. We need to take care of our physical needs to make room for motivation. Adequate sleep, exercise and nutrition are key to motivation. Have you ever tried to get motivated to work on something challenging when you are tired or hungry? If so then you know that we need those basic needs met first. Physical activity actually releases dopamine, so it is a catalyst to create motivation. My kids each have chores they do after dinner each night, and it is amazing to me how much more efficiently (and effectively) they do those chores if we take a walk before they do their chores. Another physical need that our teens have is PLAY. Just like sleep, food and exercise, teens need fun in their lives. It is a vital part of teenage development. Make time and space for fun. Social connection, fun and enjoyment increase our dopamine levels which helps us generate motivation. 3. Water what you want to grow I bet there are plenty of things your teen is already motivated by. And even if they aren’t the things you want them to be motivated by, we know that where there is motivation, it is easier to create more motivation. So if they are motivated by video games or friends or books or sports or movies, don’t shut it down. Support them in their interests. Help them identify what motivation feels like so they can translate it to other areas of their life too. Understanding that motivation creates momentum, use that to your advantage. Allow the momentum of something they are motivated to do carry into the things they may not be motivated to do. Encourage your teen to dream big and don’t discourage them from wanting. Anticipation is an important element of motivation so dreaming about what they want creates a good environment for motivation to grow. 4. Find the sweet spot Imagine there is a continuum from really easy to really hard. Motivation is easiest to create in the middle where it is hard enough to create a challenge, but no so hard we can’t do it. Help your teen find ways to move their tasks closer to the motivation sweet spot. Maybe you need to break tasks down into smaller steps? Maybe they need outside help? Maybe they need some resources so they are better suited to the challenge? Maybe they need it to be a little more challenging so it isn’t boring? And while it is great to adjust things toward the motivation sweet spot for them, make sure you teach them this concept and get them involved in the process so they can learn how to do it for themselves. 5. Praise Progress and Effort Look to the past and point out their progress and how much they have grown. The more your teen can see how far they have come, the more their confidence will grow and the more capable they will feel. When you point out their progress, focus your praise on their efforts instead of their results. As they get older, our teens face challenges that are more difficult and the results don’t come as quickly, so when their effort can be the reward that creates the surge of dopamine, they can create motivation throughout the process instead of getting discouraged because they haven’t produced a result yet. Looking back at their progress also helps them to have hope and to see the possibilities. When they see how far they have come they realize that even if they aren’t where they want to be yet, taking consistent action toward the things they want will bring them closer to those goals. As you implement these ideas to make your home an environment where your teen can learn to create more motivation for themselves, there are a few challenges you might face, so next week on the podcast I will be sharing a few roadblocks you might encounter and how to overcome them. Plus I’ll share a simple checklist of questions to help your teen find their motivation when they just aren’t feeling it. Also, I am so honored to be one of the keynote speakers for the Your Connected Family Summit that starts this Friday, November 11. The incredible lineup of parenting experts will share tips and tools to bring back family unity and I will be sharing the 3 Secrets your Teen NEEDS you to know.
