96. Parenting Lessons === My oldest child turned 19 this week, and I'm feeling a little bit nostalgic and a little bit like, can this possibly be real life? Do I really have a 19 year old child? And add to that the fact that he is currently serving a mission for our church and living in Mexico. And that means I have not given that boy a hug in real life in person for seven months. Man, I am just feeling all the feels. And so today for the podcast, what I thought I would do is share with you 19 things that I have learned from the 19 years that I have been a mom. When I think back on that day 19 years ago, when that little boy came into my life and made me a mom for the first time, I have so much love for that very young, starry eyed version of me that held that baby in her arms for the first time, and was just so excited to embark on this journey of motherhood with this darling baby boy. I felt prepared and excited and hopeful as I started this journey and little did I know there was so much that I didn't know that I was about to learn through trial by fire. And I'm sure you can probably relate because we don't know what we don't know until we realize that we don't know it and we're in the middle of it. Now I could not possibly ever cover all the things I've learned as a parent in one podcast episode. So the 19 things that I'm going to share with you today are not necessarily the most important things I've learned, but the things that I think will be most relevant for you as you are raising teenagers. They are not in any particular order, so we're just going to dive in and get started. Number one, I am only responsible for my own behavior, and that is a big enough job. I used to focus so much on my kids behavior, on what they were doing or not doing, and I've realized that really, the only thing I can control is me. That's it. And if I just focus on controlling me, how I'm showing up and what I'm doing, That is enough to keep me busy for an entire lifetime. Now that isn't to say that I never get caught up in worrying about my kids behavior, of course I do, and of course I'm teaching and leading and guiding as best I can, but my parenting has improved exponentially as I have started to focus more on my own behavior and less on my kids behavior. Second, welcome all of your child's emotions. You don't have to be scared of them. This is a lesson that apparently I need repeated over and over and over in my life, because I for sure have been afraid of emotions like fear and anger and jealousy, and I really haven't wanted my kids to experience those emotions. I really wanted to shut those down in the past, and I've learned so much about the importance of allowing our kids to have all of the human emotions. And the more I welcome them and invite them into our life, the less scary they become. Number three, I don't need to fix or change my kids. What I need to do is understand them and appreciate them for who they are. So many of the things that I used to try and fix or change about my kids are the traits that now are the reason they are successful in the things they're doing. They are the traits that are serving them the best. And I am so glad that I was not successful in fixing them or changing them the way that I thought I wanted to. Number four, the power of fun. I have learned that there is. Immense power in bringing fun into your family, whether it's dance parties or game nights or celebrating random holidays or telling dad jokes. Those are the things that build connection. Those are the things that create an environment for learning. They are the things that build love and respect in homes. So give yourself permission to have more fun. Fun for yourself, fun for your kids, fun as a family: bring fun into your home because it is powerful. Number five, the most important thing to invest your time and energy into is your relationship with your teen. If that is solid and secure, it will get you through all the other stuff. Our family has been through some really hard things that I never could have anticipated or prepared for. But Every time one of those challenges comes along, I am so grateful that we have a solid, secure relationship because it makes the whole process of getting through the challenge easier. And the thing about that is you cannot build that relationship in the moment of crisis. It has to be solid and secure before you get there. So invest your time, invest your energy, invest everything you have in building a solid, secure relationship and it will make all the other stuff so much easier. Number six, how you react when your teen shares something with you is directly correlated to what they will share with you in the future. We have to be so careful about how we react when they tell us about what their friend did or what they did or when they make a mistake, because if we freak out, it's not going to prevent those things from happening in the future. What it's going to prevent is them telling us about it in the future. It's going to prevent us from having a relationship where they feel like they can trust us, where they feel like they are safe with us. So, as hard as it may be, we have to practice our reactions. We have to practice staying calm and not freaking out. This was really challenging for me to learn, but man, it makes such a difference. Number seven, you will see what you look for. If you are looking for all the ways your teen is challenging and making your life harder, you will see it. You will feel it on a deep level. But if you start looking for all the good things about your teen, all the good they are doing, all the ways they're actually making your life easier, all the ways that they are contributing in the world, I promise you will see that. You will find so much evidence of how incredible your teen is if you just look for it. Number eight, I am not responsible when my child is amazing and incredible, and I am not responsible when my child is not so amazing and not so incredible. So many people compliment me on my incredible kids, but I never take credit for that. That is them. They are successful of their own right. They are choosing to do the things that create all these great things in their lives. I don't take credit for that. Yes. I've encouraged it. Yes. I'm trying to influence it. Yes. I'm trying to help them along the way, but they ultimately get to choose who they want to be. And so they get credit for that. And the same is true when they're making choices and decisions that really are not in their best interest. When they're doing things that are not serving them, that are not the best things we want for them. No matter how much you teach and try and influence and try and encourage your child to make choices that you think will serve them, ultimately it's up to them. So, give them all the credit, good and bad, and just know that you get credit for showing up and being the parent you want to be, not for how your kids turn out. Number nine, I am fully convinced that time speeds up once your child goes to middle school and high school. It is as if things are happening in warp speed. And so, I have learned that I have to enjoy the moments that are happening. I can't wait till the next season, till this year's over, till this sports season's over. I have to enjoy it now because it is speeding by so fast. Number 10 is another lesson that I have learned over and over and over in my life. And that is that the hardest conversations and situations that I have dreaded having with my teen have ended up being the ones that have brought us the closest together. Because we started out with a secure relationship, those conversations and those situations, have actually been the times when my teens have learned that they can trust me, that they can lean on me, that they can come to me with literally anything, and I am there for them. As I look back on my years of parenting, I realize that these Really hard conversations and really hard situations are ones that I would never trade for anything Because of what they have done for my relationship with my kids Number 11, when my needs aren't met I am NOT gonna show up as the parent that I want to be. I'm not as patient. I'm not as understanding I'm not as available I'm not as connected as I want to be. So, Meeting my own needs is my job and I need to make sure I am doing that If I want to show up and be the parent that I want to be. Number 12, bad behavior does not equal a bad kid. I believe that all kids are inherently good, even our teenagers, they inherently want to do good in the world and they're learning and they're growing and they're falling short because they don't have all the skills they need to regulate themselves and to make good decisions and to make good choices that are going to serve them in the long run. But their behavior does not define who they are. It is just a symptom of a skill they need to develop or a need that they are not getting met. When we can see our kids through this lens, man, the whole world opens up to us as parents, instead of focusing on changing behaviors and consequences and taking away phone time and all of those things, we start to focus on seeing them for who they are, on recognizing where they are falling short in the skills that they have and recognizing where their needs aren't being met. That is when we can meet them where they are and then the behavior changes on its own. Number 13 being the grown up who follows ,through is hard. It is hard and sometimes it is really Inconvenient, but in the long run it is so worth it to become a secure consistent person for your child. I remember when my oldest was little, we used to go to playgroup, and I had this great group of girlfriends that we would meet up with, and I loved that time. I looked forward to it so much because I was a stay at home mom, and so it was just kids all day, and that was my time to connect with my friends. Well, my oldest was pretty solid and taller than everyone else and he knew it and if he wanted to get his way He would shove the other kids push them down. And I could not for the life of me figure out why he was doing this. We did not use any kind of Physical punishments in our home. We didn't even yell like he did not see violence or aggression in his life anywhere. And I could not figure out why he did it. But I knew that I had to do something about it. And so we made a deal that if he pushed another kid down at play group, we were going to have to immediately leave. And sure enough, he tested me on it. And every single time we'd get to play group, they'd be playing nicely and about 15 minutes in he'd shove some kid. And I had to decide whether or not I was going to follow through. It was the worst. I had to pick up my baby and pick up this three year old who did not want to leave, and I had to head to the car and miss out on my time with my friends because I had to be the adult and follow through. And it took a long time for him to figure it out, but over time he realized my mom will do what she says she's going to do. And our kids actually crave that. They need that. They need us to be the solid, secure person that is going to be consistent. That they can come to and know how we're going to respond, how we're going to react. It is so important that we follow through even when it's hard and even when it's inconvenient. Not in a mean way, not in an angry way. That we show up and do what we said we were going to do, even though it's hard. Number 14, there is nothing more painful or more rewarding than watching your teen go through hard things. I have watched my kids go through some really, really hard things. And it is excruciating as a mom to watch your kids suffer. To watch them struggle. And if you're willing to go beyond the pain that you feel inside, watching them go through it, and you start to see how this is shaping them, who they are showing up as in this challenge, it is also one of the most beautiful and rewarding experiences of your life. Seeing your teen through that lens. is incredible and it will change your relationship with them forever. Number 15 is for any of you moms out there who have a kid who doesn't share all the things with you, who doesn't open up about all the things in their lives. And it is that just because a kid doesn't tell you all the things does not mean you don't have a close relationship. It is absolutely possible to have a really close connected relationship where they know they can trust you. They know you are safe. They know you are secure. And they're just not big talkers. That has absolutely been my experience with one of my kids. And for the longest time, I thought that it meant something was wrong with our relationship. All of my friends had kids that talked to them and told them everything. And this kid didn't tell me anything, but it wasn't anything wrong with our relationship. It was just who that kid is. He's not a big talker. He's not a big sharer. And that's okay. Number 16. The little stuff matters. Since my oldest has been out of our home, it has been so fun for me to see the things that he has taken with him. The little things that I didn't even know he cared about or mattered to him at all, that he has been implementing in his apartment with his companion. And it's been really fun to see that those little things that we did for so many years had an impact. And they mattered to this kid. Number 17, say yes more often. I am definitely guilty of automatically saying no to a lot of things that I don't want to deal with, but I have learned the power of saying yes more often and the power of turning no's into yeses. I did a whole podcast episode on this, so I will link that in the show notes if you want to check that out and learn how to turn your no's into yeses. Number 18, you and your teen are on the same team. You're working toward the same goal and the more you can solve problems and work together, the better the experience is going to be for everyone. So make sure when you go to tackle a problem, it's not you against them. It's you and them against the problem. And finally, number 19. You will miss the teen years when they are gone. I know sometimes as moms, we're in the thick of it and it's hard and we're doing all the things and we're struggling and we think, I just can't wait till we get through the teen years. I just have to survive the teen years. And I a hundred percent get it. Sometimes we feel that way, but you will miss this time when it is gone. This is the magical time that you have to have a front row seat to watching your child become who they're going to become. Don't miss it. Enjoy it while you have it. Make the most of the time you have. And if you're thinking to yourself, I don't think that's possible. I don't think I can do that. I don't even know how to do that. You need to come and join me inside of my Enjoy community because that is what we learn to do there. I hope that sharing this perspective of looking back on the lessons I've learned over the last 19 years of being a mom have been helpful for you, have given you some hope and some encouragement, and some ideas for how to make the most of the time you have with your teen. I also hope that this has given you an opportunity to reflect on some of the things that you have learned through your experience as a parent. And I would love it, love it, if you would go over to Instagram and find me @jenbelltate, and send me a DM with some of the lessons that you have learned on your parenting journey.
