This is part two of the conversation we started last week with Gemma sharp, where she opened our eyes to some big differences between normal teen behavior and neurodiverse teen behavior. today, we are jumping back in right where we left off to learn what we can do as parents to navigate these differences and support our neurodivergent teens even better.
So now that we have a better understanding of what's going on with these kids, how do we support them? what can we do as parents to really support them through these challenging times of being a teenager, where they have these hormones and they're dealing with this neurodivergence and these big emotions and this strong will. They're trying to figure it all out. How do we support them as parents?
I think, I think one of the biggest things for parents and, and this is what I help parents to, to achieve is to be more emotionally intelligent themselves.
Because so much of the time when we're dealing with our children, whatever age they are, we're triggered ourselves.
They're triggering us in some way. And therefore we're responding and reacting in a certain way.
When we can increase our emotional intelligence, when we can understand our triggers, when we can spot them and regulate ourselves more efficiently, then we're going to be able to help them.
And, and I think to, for me, I'm very much a fixer. you know, my, my, love language is acts of service. I want to jump in and help. I want to do everything for : not everything, but you know what I mean? Yeah.
And, and as they start to get into the teen years, I've had to rein myself in. But the thing is, I, we need as parents to be aware of our emotional intelligence, how we feel about things before we can effectively help our kids, because I want to jump in and help. And yet that actually is often the worst thing you can do.
Now, I loved the three questions that Mel Robbins always, says is you should ask the three questions of your child when they come to you with a problem or when they're upset or something, first thing you ask is. Do you want my help? Do you want my advice and my help in this situation? Or, do you just want me to listen? Or, do you just want to tell me and then be left alone?
And in actual fact, when you give them, no matter whether they're neurotypical or neurodivergent, when you are asking them those questions, you're actually helping them increase their emotional intelligence.
You're making them stop for a minute and think, actually, yes, what do I need? In this moment, actually, yes, mom, I do want your advice, or I just want to vent. I just want to tell you and, and that's it. Or actually, do you know what, I just want to be on my own right now.
And the thing is with them, with, with asking them those questions is then we are, it's almost taking the pressure off of us as parents. Because they're like, okay, now I've got a clear path forward. I know how to help you. And so that is a huge thing.
I think another thing is that so much of the time when our kids are in these emotional holes, We don't want to see them upset. We don't want to see them, you know, suffering in any way. And so what we try and do is we try and put our hand into those holes and pull them out of that hole and say, don't feel like that. Feel like this. This is how you should feel.
And that is not a great thing because all emotions, mostly what emotions need is presence. They don't need us to change them. It's impossible to do that.
So you know, for example, if you're sat on the couch with your husband and or your partner and they, you turn around and say, I'm really worried about this meeting I've got tomorrow with my boss and they turn around and go, Oh, you are always worrying about that. Don't worry about it. It'll be fine. You, you know, that you worry about it and then it all turns out great. Don't waste your energy.
In that moment. You don't go great. You've taken all of my anxiety away. Thanks for that. Brilliant.
Wouldn't it be great if it worked that way, but yeah, it does not.
What happens then is actually, you've still got all of those feelings, but you're now alone in that feeling and you're like, you're right, but I still feel it. And so now I'm just going to sit here really quietly and stew with those feelings because You've told me I shouldn't be feeling like that.
Instead, especially when it comes to our kids, instead of trying to change those feelings, if your husband or your partner in that moment had turned around to you and said, yeah, that sucks. I get it. I can tell you're really worried about that. Do you want my advice? Do you want me to just listen or do you want me to just sit here and hold your hand?
In that moment, you would then go, okay, what do I need? What do I want? And you would feel validated. And as soon as you feel validated, that emotion is halved.
So. It's, it's so important, I think, especially with, neurodivergent children, understanding that a lot of them are so hypersensitive. they're, they're seeing so many more negatives all the time that when they say negative things, a lot of times we jump in and try and change it. Don't feel like that, feel like this, or no, you're amazing.
Instead, if we do the, acknowledge, validate, permit, where we say, I see, you're really upset about that. I get it. It must've been really difficult to have someone do that to you. Look at you that way. It may, maybe it made you feel, you know, strange. It's okay to feel upset about that. Do you want to talk about it more? Do you just want me to be here with you?
And acknowledging that and just being there for them, even when you're having arguments and they're going, get out, get out of my room. And saying, okay. I'm here if you need me and I'm going to sit outside the door, or I'm going to come back in five minutes and I'm going to see how you're getting on. So that they don't feel alone in those feelings. They feel the support there, but you're not trying to change them.
I think it works for both, but it's very effective for neurodivergent children. That's what I found anyway, personally.
Absolutely. I think, as our teens start going through the teen years and they're feeling bigger emotions, that's also what I advise too is: we've got to allow them to experience their emotions. We've got to validate the way they're feeling, even if we think it's silly, even if we think it's not a big deal.
I actually taught a class in my community, just this week about Teenagers making friends and one of the things that I learned as I prepared for it was that social rejection is processed by the same part of the brain as physical pain.
And so just because we don't understand what they're going through, like having friends making friends feeling rejected is a matter of life and death for our kids like they feel like it's that big of a deal.
And then you add to that that highly sensitive portion that comes with neurodivergent kids. And yeah, we've got to validate those emotions. We've got to hold space for that as, as parents.
And I think in order to do that, we have to know how to process those emotions and do it on our own as well first. And hold space for our own emotions as well.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean that, you know, two dysregulated people cannot regulate, right. So one of you has to be regulated.
And even as the parent, if you start to feel yourself, your emotions getting bigger then saying, I need a minute and go away, calm down, and then come back. One of you needs to be really calm and regulated so that the other person who isn't can start to regulate themselves. you know, the whole co co regulation thing.
but it's, it's so important that we are able to manage our emotions first. And that's, to me, that's the whole, that that's such a huge part of it. It's such a big, the key thing really is. When we can regulate our emotions, when we can understand ourselves more, when we can understand our thoughts, our feelings, how we feel about things.
Then when we're able to regulate ourselves and to be more in tune with our emotions, then we can help our children. Because so many parents come to me and say, this is, my child is having this problem and this problem. How do I fix it? And really, so much of the time, what I see is it's actually the reaction of the parent that's fueling the fire as well. So understanding ourselves and working on ourselves is, in my opinion, the first step to being able to develop better relationships within the family.
Yeah. Being able to understand yourself more and know your triggers, and when you start to see that little spark of yourself being triggered, when you know that, you can, you can put it out.
But when it starts to trigger you and then it ,turns into a full blown fire. You, you've got no chance, you know, it's almost like you've got to go through the bushfire. Well, I talk about bushfires because I'm Australian, but through the bushfire for it to totally burn everything out before you can come back. And you don't, we don't want it to get like that. We want to be able to see the spark and snuff it out there and then.
And so that's why To me, being more emotionally intelligent ourselves is so helpful to helping our teens. But also too, it's so important that we model that behavior to them so that they can understand how they can, be more emotionally intelligent.
And when we can model that behavior, it really it's difficult. Don't get me wrong. You know, just saying it makes it sound so easy. Just regulate yourself, but it is so difficult, but the more aware we are of ourselves, the easier it does get. The bigger that muscle can be when we start to build on it.
That's so awesome. Well, thank you so much for sharing this with us today. I hope I know I have learned so much. So many fascinating things. And I'm sure my listeners have to, if they want to know more about what you do or connect with you, where can they find you?
So, I'm on Instagram called gem sharp on Instagram. and also to, I run a free parenting group within Facebook called the hummingbird parenting lounge, where I go live and I have all different topics on parenting, how we can support our children.
Normally each month there is a different topic. so if anybody wants to join that community, I do have free resources in there and I will definitely, send you the executive age chart as well, because that's so helpful when you've got an ADHD child.
And Jen, thank you so much for having me. this is my passion. I love talking about it. So I hope it's helped. I hope it helped. Even if it helps one person, that's brilliant. Thank you so much.
There it is! Isn't she amazing? I will make sure to link all the resources gemma mentioned in the show notes. I learned so much from this conversation and i hope that you did too. Can I ask a favor? If you are enjoying this podcast will you help me share it with other parents of teens? Send it to your mom friends or just leave me a rating or review in your favorite podcast platform. Thanks for listening and for spreading the love
