Parenting Your Teen with Influence
Apr 04, 2023This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast
Episode 41. Influence vs. Control
Episode Summary:
Parenting Your Teen with Influence
We love our teens and we want what is best for them, so we try to control as much as we can to make sure their life turns out the way we think is best for them. But there is a better way. One that won't result in rebellion, resentment, and mistrust.
Trade control for influence in your parenting and find out why it is the better choice. Learn 4 ways you can increase your influence with your teen so you can keep inspiring and encouraging them throughout their lives.
Parenting Your Teen With Influence
As parents we want so badly to control our teenagers. We want them to do the things that we think will be best for them. But our teens need independence. They need to start learning how to do things for themselves, and that means we have to give up some of our control.
The Parable of the Peach Tree
Have you ever seen the movie Kung Fu Panda? It has a great analogy about influence and control.
In the movie, Master Shi Fu is teaching Poe about kung fu and he shares the example of a peach tree. You can plant the seed of a peach tree, you can plant it in the fertile ground, you can water it, you can make sure it gets enough sunshine and it will start to grow.
But you can't control how fast it grows. You can't control how many blossoms are on that tree. You can't control how quickly the blossoms turn into peaches or how quickly those peaches ripen and are ready to be picked. All you can control is how you care for that peach tree - how you set it up for success - and that is the same with our teenager.
We cannot control how ripe and lovely that peach turns out, but we can influence it by making sure the tree is planted in fertile ground, and gets lots of sunlight and water.
We can make sure that the environment in our home is an environment where our teen will thrive and grow. We can make sure that we parent in a way that will help them reach their full potential.
We can’t control our teenagers
As much as we want to fight it, we don't have control when it comes to our teens. We can't control anything they do.
We can offer punishments and rewards and consequences to try and convince them to do what we want them to do. We can use fear and manipulation. We can yell. We can try every tactic to try and control them, but ultimately they get to decide for themselves.
Think back to when your teenager was just a little baby and they were just getting old enough to learn how to walk. At first you had to completely support them. You had to hold both of their hands tightly so that they could learn the process of putting one foot in front of the other on the ground.
As they got a little more stable and better at the mechanics of putting one foot in front of the other, you didn't have to hold them so tightly. You could just put one finger under each of their hands and help them cruise around the room.
As their balance got even better, you could let go with one finger and just have one finger holding them up while they did the bulk of the work.
And finally, when they were ready to take steps all on their own, you got to stand with open arms as they walked towards you.
Your role was never to move their feet for them. It was never to take the steps for them. Your role was to guide them, to support them, and to open your arms to show them the way to go.
Your influence is your most valuable parenting tool
Your influence is your greatest asset as a parent. We are so busy trying to move our teen’s feet exactly where we want them to go, that we can't step back and open our arms to receive them. Here are 4 ways to stop trying to control your teen so you can have more influence with them.
4 Ways to Increase your Influence with your Teen
Stop defining your worth by your teen’s behavior
Your success as a mom has nothing to do with how your teen turns out. Think of any large family that you know. Every child takes a different path with different outcomes, so it can't be the parent that determines the outcome for the child.
Of course, we can do everything in our power to give our kids the best shot at success, to nurture, love and provide for them in all the ways we can. But ultimately, it's up to your teen to determine who they want to become.
As you truly start to understand this, you will stop defining your own worth by your child’s behavior. When your honor isn’t at stake, you won’t need to control your teen’s behavior in order to feel like a good parent.
Know what you value most.
You also have to know your highest values and what you really care about most. If you could only teach your teen one thing their whole life, what would it be? I'm guessing you might not be able to narrow it down to just one. I know that I can’t. But as you try to narrow it down to one thing, you are going to notice that a few things seem most important.
Those are the things to focus on and to teach and to help your child understand. So much of the rest of it we have to let go if we want them to learn those most important things. We will be much more effective in teaching them if we narrow our focus to the most important things instead of trying to teach them everything we know.
Even if we try, we could never teach our teen everything they need to know to be a functional, responsible, healthy adult. When we narrow our focus to the most important things, it will be enough.
Actions speak louder than words
Another important part of growing our influence is teaching by example instead of by words. So many parents try to teach by talking or lecturing, but our kids eventually start to tune us out.
They learn the most from our example. The way we treat them, the way we treat others and the way we treat ourself is shaping the way our teenager will allow other people to treat them, treat others and treat themselves.
What is your teenager learning from the example that you are setting day in and day out? Is it what you want them to learn?
Because your example is the greatest influence on your teen, my whole coaching practice us built on this principle. You have to start with YOU. The work you do on yourself as a mom will have a ripple effect on your children for the rest of their lives. As you change, you will influence everyone around you. That is true influence.
Love your teen
The final way that we can increase our influence is just by loving our teens. I know I share this all the time, but we have to love our teens. Your relationship with your teenager now is the greatest indicator of whether they will be open to your influence now and in the future.
Sure, you can try to control their actions right now in the here and now. Take away their phone, limit their time with friends, force them to do things because we finance their lives and provide their home.
But before you know it, they will become an adult who makes decisions for themselves. If you have not built the kind of relationship that feels safe, trusting and in their best interest, your ability to influence them will end when they leave your house.
What you really want is long-term influence. The teen years are just a tiny fraction of your child’s life. Most of their life is spent as an adult and we want to be able to continue to influence them for good throughout their adult years.
Use a lightswitch, not a flashlight
One final example. Imagine that you are in a dark room with your teenager and in that room there are a lot of things that you could trip on and places where you could get hurt.
Would it be better to take a flashlight and shine it right in front of their feet one step at a time to keep them safe? Or would it be better to find the light switch and turn on the light so the whole room could be lit up?
Turning on the light is like using the power of your influence. The flashlight is like control. It might work here and there, but it requires you to be there every single moment with your teen and doesn’t allow them to learn for themselves. Be a light switch instead of a flashlight.
If you need help finding that light switch so that you can turn on the light of your influence, please reach out to me and schedule a parenting strategy session. I will help you find your way to the light switch so you can turn on your influence and let it shine!
Mentioned on the Show:
- Raising emotionally healthy teens doesn't have to be so hard! Join the ENJOY Coaching Community now for the support and tools you need to navigate the teen years like a pro!
- Follow me on Instagram and Facebook