People Pleasing and Parenting

This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast

Episode 40: People Pleasing and Parenting

Episode Summary:

People Pleasing and Parenting

People pleasing can have a huge impact on your parenting and even a long-term effect on your teen's mental health.

Of course we all want validation and praise, but our need for it can easily turn into people pleasing. Because moms regularly sacrifice their own needs and wants for the sake of their families, they are especially prone to people pleasing.

This episode explores five common ways that people pleasing can show up in our parenting. Often we don’t even realize we are making these parenting mistakes with our teens, so knowing what to look for is the first step to avoiding them.

Learn what you can do if people pleasing is showing up in your parenting and how to teach your teen to avoid becoming a people pleaser altogether. If you want more support to stop people pleasing and uplevel your parenting, join my ENJOY Community for tools and support to make raising emotionally healthy teens easier and more fun.

What is people pleasing?

People pleasing is a strong urge to please others, even at your own expense. It is prioritizing the needs and wants of other people above your own. It is self-sacrificing. Needing validation and approval from others in order to feel good about yourself.

When you are people-pleasing you may find it difficult to say “no” to requests or demands from others or change who you are, how you act or even your interests in order to fit in or gain acceptance.  

We are all people-pleasers at least some of the time because as humans we are designed to seek connection and community and belonging. And other people’s acceptance and validation of us is an important component of calming our nervous system so that we can feel safe.

As children, we quickly learn what kind of behaviors bring validation and approval from our parents and we want to do more of it.

When my oldest was one, he loved to throw the ball, and as the oldest grandchild on both sides of our family, everyone would cheer smile and so he would do it again and again. He had discovered something he could do to get validation and praise and he instinctively wanted more of that. 

As mothers we often sacrifice our own needs and wants for the sake of our families. It kind of comes along with the job description, right?

We sacrifice our figure and our comfort to be pregnant and grow a little human inside of us. We sacrifice our sleep and sometimes our sanity to wake up and feed and soothe them in the middle of the night. We sacrifice alone time to play with them and make sure they are safe. We may even sacrifice self-care luxuries to buy diapers and clothes and pay for preschool and go on family vacations. We sacrifice a tidy home for them to play and be creative.

And there is nothing wrong with any of it…in fact, I believe that desire to nurture and that willingness to sacrifice for our children is a divinely given gift.  

The real challenge comes when we start to define our worth by how positively other people respond to us. When we get so used to sacrificing our own wants and needs for other people that we don’t even know what we want anymore.

Why People Pleasing is a Problem

This kind of people-pleasing is really just lying. It is lying to others and maybe even ourselves about what we really want and who we really are.  

Have you ever been asked to do something and said yes even though you really didn’t want to do it? Or maybe you volunteered to do it without being asked because you felt like you should?

Have you ever kept quiet about your opinions because you didn’t think the person you were talking with would agree? Or maybe even pretended to agree with their opinion even though you really didn’t?

 Have you ever told someone it was no big deal that they cancelled/changed plans/couldn’t make it even though you were actually really disappointed about it?

Have you ever gone to Target to buy something new for yourself and left the store with a basket full of stuff for everyone else in your family instead?

Have you ever intervened in a situation with grades or playing time or friendships so your teen wouldn’t have to feel bad.

Now I am not saying that you shouldn’t do these things. Service and sacrifice as a way to show compassion and love can be a source of so much joy and connection in our lives.

But when it crosses over into people-pleasing it can destroy our self-worth, damage our relationships and leave us feeling miserable and unfulfilled.  

The best way to know the difference is to check in with your feelings. “By their fruits ye shall know them” as the scripture says. Feeling anxioius, guilty, resentful, unappreciated, unfulfilled, taken advantage of, or disconnected are all indications that you might be people pleasing in an unhealthy way.

This is something I see come up so often with my coaching clients and it usually impacts almost every part of their life. It is also some of the most challenging work to do without coaching and support because, by its very nature, it disconnects us from ourselves.

So if any of this is resonating with you, this is what I will be teaching and coaching on inside of my ENJOY coaching community throughout the coming month. Please, please join us so I can support and guide you through this challenging work so you don’t have to try to do it alone.

The Impact of People Pleasing on Parenting

Now that you know what people pleasing is, I really want to talk about the impact it could be having on your parenting and the long-term impact it might be having on your teen. My goal in sharing these points is to help you identify things you might not realize are impacting you, not for you to feel bad about yourself or your parenting.

Have you ever pulled a weed and just the top part of the weed came off, but the roots stayed in the ground? The weed just comes right back. Around here there is this sneaky kind of week that grows in all different directions away from the root before it grows up, so when you go to pull it, you never get the root out.

You can pull that weed every time you see it growing, but until you get the root out, it will keep on coming back. As you listen, I hope that you will be able to identify whether people pleasing is at the root of the problems that keep coming up in your parenting, so that you will be able to focus your attention on pulling the root.  

5 Common Ways People Pleasing Shows Up in Parenting

1. Needing your teen to like you

The most obvious way people pleasing might come up in your parenting is when you try to make your teen like you at your own expense or even at the expense of what is best for them.

This might look like buying them a phone because all their friends have one and they feel left out. Or wanting to be the cool mom, so you let them hang out late with friends on a school night even though you know they are going to be exhausted at school the next day. Or not following through on a consequence because you feel bad or you don’t want them to be upset with you. 

Parenting from this place of needing your teen to like you, is actually selfish. Every decision you make is for YOUR OWN benefit of being liked by your teen. It might seem like you have a great relationship with your teen in the short term, but it is only on the surface.

There is no true connection or respect because you aren’t being your true self in the relationship. You are pretending to be someone you are not to get your teen to like you, so there can be no real connection.

2. Measuring your success by your teen’s happiness

This is one of the more sneaky ways people pleasing can come up in your parenting. When you equate success as a parent with your teen’s happiness (or lack thereof), you will do everything you can to make sure they are happy all the time, even if that means manipulation, interfering, or controlling.

You might be super strict to keep them safe from anything bad that might happen or super permissive and let them do whatever they want – whatever makes them happy.  You might project your fears and anxieties and emotional baggage onto your teen and push them to do the things you liked as a teen and steer them away from things you didn’t.  

And when they aren’t happy you feel like you are a bad mom or you have failed them in some way, so you pry, interfere and fix their problems for them. They miss out on opportunities to learn resilience, discipline and delayed gratification.

3. Lose yourself in motherhood and feel unfulfilled and empty.

This is another really common way I see people pleasing come up in parenting. Moms get so used to putting their own needs and wants last that they don’t even know what they want or like anymore.

There is a little voice inside of you that says “I don’t want to do that...” “I’d really rather…” or “I actually think…” and when you shut it down and ignore it long enough, you stop hearing it.

When I had a bunch of little kids I became an expert at ignoring the loudness of little kids. When I wasn’t with my own kids, people would apologize for their kids being loud and I genuinely hadn’t even noticed.

Our brains are so good at tuning out the messages it doesn’t think are relevant, even when those messages are our own needs, desires and opinions. 

When I ask clients like this what they want, they legitimately can’t tell me. They don’t know what they are interested in. They don’t know how they feel. They have a beautiful life…often the very life they always wanted and yet they feel lost and unfulfilled and empty.  

4. Creates disconnection in your relationship

If you are feeling disconnected from your teen, it may be the result of people pleasing. As you put other people’s needs – especially your teen’s needs – above your own, you may feel upset that they don’t seem to appreciate your sacrifice.

You may feel resentful that they ask you for things that require a sacrifice from you or that they don’t ever put your needs first. You may even find yourself feeling jealous and resentful of their life because you have made it so easy for them. 

You might have thoughts like:

“wouldn’t that be nice?”

“they don’t even know how good they have it.”

“can’t they just do this one little thing?”

“Is it really so much to ask?”

“They are so ungrateful”

Each of those thoughts is driving a wedge into your relationship. What is crazy about this is that your teen may not even know that you are making sacrifices for them because that is just what you have always done.

 5. Teach your teen to be a people pleaser

However people pleasing is showing up in your life, your teen is watching and learning from you. Even if they don’t realize it right now, they are learning from the patterns you are setting and will likely carry on into their own families down the road.

I see this cycle creating so much pain and unhappiness for moms everywhere and it just doesn’t have to be that way! 

One of the new things I just added to the ENJOY community is a monthly class where I teach you how to teach your teen the skills we are learning that month. You have to learn and apply them in your own life first, but I am really excited to share some strategies that will help you teach them to your teen.

This month we will learn how to teach your teen to stop people pleasing (or better yet - never start!). When you join ENJOY you get to attend the monthly classes live or watch the replays whenever it is convenient, which you will LOVE if you are a fan of this podcast.

But you also get personalized coaching and help from me as you actually apply it to your life and your situation and that is where the real change happens. It really is an amazing resource to help you navigate all the challenges that come along with raising teens. 

Your Teen Needs YOU!

Finally, I just want to encourage you and let you know that your kids don’t need a pretend version of you…they need YOU! They need to know the real you – complete with your God-given wants, desires, interests, talents and abilities.

All of that is a part of YOU…it is your secret sauce! Don’t make it less spicy or less sweet or less saucy just to make other people happy. The world needs YOU and your unique flavor! If you are ready to step into your best self so that you can raise emotionally healthy teens with strong values, I would be so honored to be your coach in ENJOY. I’ll see you inside. 

Mentioned on the Show:

• Raising emotionally healthy teens doesn't have to be so hard! Join the ENJOY Coaching Community now for the support and tools you need to navigate the teen years like a pro!
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