Preparing for the Worst Case Scenario === I love to share the stories of my experience as a parent here on the podcast, but sometimes I have to be a little careful about what I share because my stories don't just involve me. In fact, they involve my children and their stories and their experiences. So to protect the innocent, sometimes I have to be a little bit vague. And today is one of those times when I'm going to share a story of my experience as a parent that I think will really help you in your experience as a parent. But I'm going to have to leave out a lot of the details. And so I hope you will forgive me for that and know that I'm not trying to be obnoxious or secretive, but that I think this story really has some benefit and actually I think that telling it without all of the details might help you to fill in the details and notice the things that you might be able to apply this story to in your own experience. So, without further ado, a few years ago, one of my kids came to me and I could tell that something was on their mind. They really wanted to talk about something, but I could also tell that there was some trepidation and some hesitation. They weren't really sure they wanted to bring it up. But after a while, they finally got up the courage and told me what was on their mind. They had been silently struggling through a really hard challenge that nobody else knew about, and it was crushing them. The weight of it was so heavy and so hard, and they felt so much shame and frustration. And after they finished telling me what was going on, I could tell they were waiting for me to freak out. And for good reason. About a year earlier, I absolutely would have freaked out if they had come to me and told me what they told me. But... Fortunately for both of us, a few months earlier, I had been listening to a podcast and they brought up the topic of this exact challenge that my child ended up experiencing. And it piqued my curiosity and I started to dig a little deeper and do some research. And as I went through this process of just learning more, I started to consider how I would want to handle this situation if it ever came up with my kids. And so I was able to think through how I would want to handle it, and what I would want to do, and what the implications would be, without the shock, and the fear, and the worry, and the freaking out. And because of that, when it actually came up, I was able to be calm. I was able to respond exactly the way I would have wanted to. I knew exactly how to show this child that I understood what they were going through, that I understood this challenge and I knew how to help them. And I was there for them and I could support them through the challenge. This moment changed my relationship with this child forever. And I am so thankful that it changed it in a positive way. That because of how I responded in this moment, that child no longer had to feel alone in the struggle. But had I not been prepared for how I wanted to show up in that moment, I could have done serious damage to my relationship with this child. I could have made it so much harder for them, and I could have added to their pain and suffering. In the years since that moment. This scenario has played out again and again in a variety of ways: different challenges, different children. And I haven't always showed up exactly the way I would have wanted to. There were times when I was not prepared to respond to what those kids brought me. And I see the same thing happen over and over again for the parents that I coach. At some point, your child is going to come to you with something that shocks you or surprises you or devastates you. And in that moment, you are going to want to be prepared to respond exactly the way you would have wanted to. You don't want to look back on those moments with regret and think, I wish I would have done this differently. I wish I would have been prepared. So today I want to give you some helpful ideas that will help you prepare for these moments with your kids. Now, typically, I encourage parents to focus on the positive. And there's a lot of great reasons for this and a lot of great research to back it up. What you focus on is what you will see more of in your life. And so that's why I encourage you to focus on the positive. But not only that, the way you think about someone or something will influence the way you act. But in this specific instance, I think it's really helpful to think about your worst case scenarios. What are the things that your teen could tell you that would devastate you or shock you or completely break your heart? Think through those scenarios so that you can make a plan for how you would want to handle those situations. Now, hopefully these things won't all happen and hopefully none of them will happen for you. But when you are prepared, you don't have to be afraid of them. It's just like buying an insurance policy. We buy the policy, we pay the premium, and we hope that we never ever have to use it. But in the event that we do, it's there. Now the worst case scenario is going to be different for every single family. I guarantee if you look around your neighborhood, there are families who if their teen had a drink of alcohol at a party, they would be absolutely devastated. And other families who would not even be phased by that. They wouldn't even think it was a big deal. So you need to determine what your worst case scenarios are. What are the things that would take you by surprise, that would catch you off guard, that would shock you. A few common ones that I see parents struggle with are things like grades, addictions, faith crisis, gender identity and sexual orientation, substance abuse, pornography, sexual activity, and pregnancy. If your list is totally different, that's okay. Just think through your worst case scenarios. Once you've identified some of those worst case scenarios, you need to make a plan for how you want to respond if that comes up. There was a research study done on the effect the element of surprise has on people. And they found that surprise actually intensifies the emotion you might experience by 400%. So just thinking through those worst case scenarios will reduce the element of surprise. But then having a plan for how you want to respond will make it so much easier to Actually do that in the moment. The question I like to ask myself when I'm thinking through how would I want to respond to this situation is what would love do? What does it look like to love this child unconditionally in this situation- that I don't like, that I don't want, that is not ideal. But what does it look like here to respond with love? And it's different in every scenario, but there's always an answer that looks and feels like love. And so think through that for yourself. What would love do? In the face of this situation. The final idea I have for you is to make sure that you take the time to process your own emotions. You are afraid or scared or worried about this worst case scenario because of the emotions that you will experience as a result of that worst case scenario. Whatever those emotions are, whether it's going to be that you feel like a bad mom or that you are disappointed or that you are angry or that you are scared. You don't want to have to experience those emotions. So if you get really good at knowing how to process those emotions before you get caught off guard by them, you won't have to be so afraid of them. You are going to be able to handle whatever comes your way. I know this is true because you have already gotten through 100 percent of the hard experiences of your life and you can get through the next ones too. I hope that these tips will help you to prepare yourself for the next defining moment in your parenting when your teen comes to you with something hard. So that you can respond exactly the way you would want to. I also know that this is challenging work to do. It can feel hard and heavy and scary. And so if you need more support in this process, you can get personalized help from me inside of the enjoy community. And when you join, you get instant access to all of the resources that are inside. I want you to know that I am cheering you on when you are better prepared for these moments, they will become the moments that grow your relationship with your teen and help you become closer and stronger than you have ever been before.
