This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast
Episode 62: Stop Saying NO to Your Teen
Episode Summary:
Stop Saying NO to Your Teen
Is "NO" your default with your teen? Stop saying NO to your teen and dive into the magic of saying "YES" without being a pushover!
Learn when you should say NO and how saying YES more often actually makes your NO more impactful.
And discover the 4 P’s that will help you turn your NO into YES without sacrificing your values, your teen’s safety OR your relationship with your teen.
Do you want to end power struggles, enhance connection and have more influence with your teen? Join the ENJOY community to get help customizing these ideas to your teen.
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Stop Saying NO To Your Teen on Autopilot?
Did you ever read the book “YES day” with your kids? It was one of my kids’ favorites.
The book is all about the one day a year when mom and dad have to say yes to every request the child makes.
Ice cream for breakfast. Yes.
Have a food fight? Yes.
Stay up extra late? Yes.
I hate to admit it, but I think the reason my kids loved this book so much was that so often all they heard from me was NO. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to say yes or that I didn’t want them to have any fun. It was just hard to say yes when I was at my breaking point just trying to manage our household and all of the kids inside of it.
I got so used to saying no to their requests that it became my automatic response. And I don’t think I’m alone in this. Do you default to saying no unless there is a really compelling reason to say yes?
Let’s do the work to flip that script so that you get in the habit of saying YES unless there is a compelling reason to say no.
Your teen will love you for it – and it will make your job as a parent feel so much more rewarding!
Saying NO turns you into the bad guy…and that is no fun for anyone
I’m going to give you all the tools you need to be a yes parent without becoming a permissive parent. But there’s something important you have to understand first if you want to stop saying no to your teen.
Every single time you say no to your teen, you become the bad guy.
Saying NO turns you into the opponent. It is like putting on the jersey of the rival team and sending the message that your goal is to make sure they can’t have anything they want. And since your teen is already hardwired to want to oppose you, seeing you as the opponent will make them fight you even harder. (Hello, epic power struggles!)
Not only that, saying no makes you feel like the opponent. It makes you feel like you are always playing defense. And that can be mentally and physically exhausting. You have to hold your ground while your teen repeatedly tried to knock you down and wear you out. Nobody wants to do that.
Every time we say no to our teens, we step into that role and turn into the bad guy – in their eyes, and in our own. Not a very enjoyable way to live.
Saying YES creates more connection and less power struggles
On the other hand, every time we say yes, it’s as if we are putting on our teen’s team jersey. Our teenager sees us as being on their side. All of a sudden it seems like we are both working toward the same goal: getting them what they want.
YES is the key to experiencing that sense of unity and camaraderie that comes when you’re working together toward a common goal.
And it probably goes without saying, but this leads to fewer power struggles, more connection, and a stronger relationship between you and your teen.
Being a YES mom, makes your NO more powerful
It also means that when you do say no – because you will have to say no sometimes – your teen is going to be more receptive to it. Your no will have a bigger impact when it is the exception and not the rule.
Stop saying no to your teen and save your no for the really important stuff: safety issues and your most important values. If you could only teach your child only one thing before they leave home, what would it be? That is your most important value and the time when you want to use your powerful NO.
Be a YES mom – without being a pushover
For everything else, use one of these four P’s to stop saying no to your teen and reframe your no into a yes – without being a pushover!
Use PREREQUISITES to turn your NO into a YES
The first P is prerequisites.
This is probably the most common way to reframe a no into a yes. You might already be doing this without realizing it. Prerequisites are things you need to do before you can do something else. So you can say yes – as long as the other stuff is done first.
If my daughter wants to go thrifting with friends on Saturday morning, I can say, “Yes! That sounds so fun. You are welcome to go once your chores are done.”
Your teen feels like you want them to have what they want and they are more willing to do what you are asking.
Prerequisites also help your teen see the cause and effect relationship between the choices they make and the opportunities that they have. It gives them a sense of responsibility and control for getting what they want. It teaches them that ultimately their ability to do the thing they want to do depends solely on their behavior and their actions.
Add PARAMETERS to turn your NO into a YES
Parameters are similar to prerequisites, with a slight difference. While prerequisites are the things that need to be done before it can be a yes, parameters define the circumstances in which it can be a yes.
If my daughter wants to go to a movie with friends at a time that I can’t take her, I can say YES with parameters.
“Yes, you can absolutely go to the movie with your friends, but I will not be able to drive you. So you’ll need to make arrangements for someone to drive you and your friends to the movie. And you’ll need to make sure that there are at least three friends going, because I feel more comfortable if you’re there in a large group, when I’m not able to be there with you.”
Again, leading with that, yes, lets them know that you are on their side and want them to have this experience. But there are some parameters that need to be met in order to make this a yes.
I often use parameters when it’s logistically not possible for me to do what they’re asking or when there is a safety concern involved.
Saying yes with parameters can really help to reinforce how much you value their safety and well being. It can also help your teen to see how they fit into the bigger picture. It shows them that the world does not revolve around them, but that they can still get what they want.
Turn NO into YES by inviting PROBLEM SOLVING
I use problem solving all the time with my kids. If your teen asks to do something and your brain starts offering lots of red flags or warning lights, problem solving keeps you out of the bad guy role and gives your teen back the responsibility.
My daughter has swim team from 6-8 pm every weeknight. But she really wants to go to the Homecoming football game with her friends.
I feel like she needs to fulfill her commitment to the coach and the team so I don’t feel good about saying yes to the game. Instead of saying no, I can say,
“Yes, I want you to go to the homecoming game with your friends. But you’ve also made a commitment to be at swim practice and there could be some negative repercussions for deciding to skip practice to go to the game. What do you think you could do?”
This takes me out of the role of being the bad guy who says she can’t go to the homecoming game and gives her the opportunity to come up with solutions that might allow her to have what she wants. When faced with this challenge, teens get very creative and resourceful so they can get what they want!
This also gives us an excellent opportunity to help our teens make connections between the choices they make and the consequences that might come as a result. It gives them back the responsibility to solve problems that come up in their lives.
Warning: If the answer is actually no for you, don’t use this method. If your teen is able to solve the problem you presented, you need to be willing to say yes.
Turn NO into YES by getting the PARTICULARS
Particulars simply means getting more information so you will be able to feel more comfortable saying yes.
My son wanted to get an app on his phone that I didn’t know anything about.
Instead of saying no or asking 100 questions, I said, “that sounds great, but I don’t think I have enough information to make a decision.”
I challenged him to find out what the potential dangers of using this app were so we could make a plan that would address those dangers and allow him to get the app.
He came back later and told it was totally safe and there were no dangers.
I sent him back to do more research – every app that connects to the internet has dangers!
He found a bunch of potential dangers and we talked through them, made a plan and he got to download the app. I was able to say yes and feel good about it because I had enough information.
The key is having your teen take responsibility for providing more information – not you finding the information on your own.
Instead of asking 20 questions when your teen wants to do something, when you lead with “YES – that sounds like a lot of fun and I’d love for you to be able to go” your teen feels like you are on their side. They will be so much more open and agreeable when you follow up with, “I need more information so that I can make sure you will be safe/have fun/be ok. Can you find out…?”
I love that this method also gives your teen a chance to think about all of the factors that go into your decision making so that they can start to consider those factors for themselves when they are making decisions for themselves.
Use the 4 P’s to stop saying NO to your teen without being a pushover
I hope that you will use these four P’s to start saying yes to your teenager more often.
Say yes with prerequisites or parameters.
Give your teen the opportunity to solve the problems that are getting in the way of the yes.
And get the particulars so that you feel more comfortable saying yes.
If you need more help knowing how to apply these four P’s to the specific challenges that you are facing in your parenting, join me inside my Enjoy community where you can get access to me via Marco Polo Coaching every single week. It is the perfect way to figure out how to apply the things you’re learning here on the podcast to your own situation as a parent. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership
Mentioned on the Show:
Podcast Transcript
βOne of my kids favorite books when they were little was Yes Day. It's a book all about the one day a year when mom and dad have to say yes to every request the child makes. Ice cream for breakfast. Yes. Have a food fight? Yes. Stay up extra late? Yes. I think the reason my kids loved this book so much was because so much of the time the answer that they got from me was no. It wasn't that I didn't want to say yes or that I didn't want them to have any fun. It was just that logistically it was really difficult for me to say yes when I was busy managing our household and all of the kids inside of it. But over time, I got so used to saying no to their requests that I noticed it was almost my automatic response to go right to a no. And I'm guessing I'm not alone in this. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. I think a lot of parents actually get in the mode of saying no automatically, unless there's a really compelling reason that they want to say yes. But today I want to encourage you to do the work to flip that script so that instead of automatically saying no to your kids, you automatically say yes to them, unless there's a really compelling reason to say no. In this episode, I'm going to give you all the tools you need to be a yes parent without becoming a permissive parent or letting your teens walk all over you and take advantage of you. But before we dive into the practical application, there's something that you really have to understand. Every single time you say no to your teen, you step into the role of the opposition. Essentially, you become the opposing team that's trying to prevent your teen from the thing they really want. And since your teen is already hardwired to want to oppose you, this is going to really perpetuate all of those power struggles that you have with them when they start to see you as the opposition. But even more than that, it is going to cause you to see yourself as the opposition and to feel like you are always playing defense. This is one of the reasons why parenting is so mentally exhausting. Because nobody wants to be the bad guy all the time. No one wants to be the one playing defense all the time. But every time we say no to our teens, we step into that role of being the bad guy and we reinforce ourselves as the opposition, not only in their mind, but in our mind as well. And this can create a very negative experience as a parent. On the other hand, every time we say yes, it's as if we are playing for the same team. Our teenager sees us as being on their side, as wanting, for them, what they want for themselves. And we get to experience that sense of unity and camaraderie that comes when you're working together toward a common goal. And it probably goes without saying, but this leads to fewer power struggles, more connection, and a stronger relationship between you and your teen. It also means that when you do say no, because you will have to say no sometimes, your teen is going to be more receptive to it and your no will be much more impactful. You want to save your no's for the most important things, and those include things that are a safety issue for your child or the things that align with your most important values. And when I say align with your most important values, I am talking about if you could teach your child only one thing over the course of time that they are in your home, what would that one thing be? That is your highest value, and those are the places where you might have to say no. For everything else, the rest of the time, I want you to find a way to reframe your no into a yes. And that is what I'm going to teach you how to do right now. In order to make this really simple and easy for you to remember, I've broken this down into the four Ps of reframing your no into a yes without being a pushover. The first P is prerequisites. This is probably the most common way to reframe a no into a yes, and probably something that you are already doing with your teen prerequisites means that there are things that your teen has to do before they can have the yes. So when my daughter comes to me and says, Hey mom, can I go thrifting with my friends on Saturday morning? I say, Yes! That sounds like so much fun. You'll need to make sure that your jobs are done before you can go. Leading with that yes immediately puts us on the same team, like we talked about earlier. It means I want for her what she wants for her, but I'm giving her a prerequisite. Yes, you can, when these things are done first. The other benefit of prerequisites is that it helps our teenagers see the cause and effect relationship between the choices they make and the opportunities that they have. It helps them see that they have control, that ultimately their ability to do the thing they want to do depends solely on their behavior and their actions. The second P is parameters. It's very similar to prerequisites, but a little bit different. While prerequisites are the things that need to be done before it can be a yes, parameters define the circumstances in which it can be a yes. An example of this is my daughter recently asked me if she could go to a movie with her friends after school on their short day. Unfortunately, this was not a convenient time for me. I already had things on the schedule that would conflict with her being able to go to the movies. But instead of saying no, I gave her a yes with parameters. Yes, you can absolutely go to the movie with your friends, but I will not be able to drive you. So you'll need to make arrangements for someone to drive you and your friends to the movie. And you'll need to make sure that there are at least three friends going, because I feel more comfortable if you're there in a large group, when I'm not able to be there with you. Again, leading with that, yes, lets them know that you want for them this experience that they want for themselves. But that there are some parameters that need to be met in order to make this a yes. I often use parameters when it's logistically not possible for me to do what they're asking or when there is a safety concern involved. Saying yes with parameters can really help to reinforce how much you value their safety and well being. It can also help your teen to see how they fit into the bigger picture, that the world does not revolve around them, but that that doesn't mean they can't have what they want. The next P is problem solving …and it is such a good one. I use this one all the time with my kids. If your teen asks to do something and your brain starts offering lots of red flags and warning lights and, hey, this might be a problem, This is a great opportunity to take yourself out of that role of opposition with your teen and give the responsibility to them for solving the problems that are coming up for you. An example of this is that my daughter swims on the swim team at their school and the only time they have availability at the pool is from 6 to 8 p. m. every single night, Monday through Friday. So that's when they have practice and she's committed to being on the team and showing up at practice. But all of her friends want to go to the homecoming football game and she wants to go with them. My concern is she's already made a commitment, but instead of saying, no, you can't go to the football game because you need to be at swim. I can say, yes, I absolutely want you to be able to go to the homecoming football game. But you've also made a commitment to be at swim practice and there could be some negative repercussions for deciding to skip practice to go to the game. So what do you think you could do? This takes me out of the role of being the bad guy who says she can't go to the homecoming game and gives her the opportunity to come up with solutions that might allow her to have what she wants. This also gives us an excellent opportunity to help our teens think through the potential problems in the choices they're making and give them back the responsibility to solve those problems that come up in their lives. Now a quick word of warning with this one. If it is a no for you, don't say yes with problem solving. Because if your teen is able to solve the problems, you need to be willing to say yes. The last P is particulars …and it simply means that you need more information. You need the specifics. You need the details in order to be able to say yes or no. I may have told this story before here on the podcast, but a while back, my son came to me and he wanted to get an app on his phone, but I had never heard of this app and I didn't know anything about it. And so of course, um, red flags went up and I was like, I don't, I can't say yes to something I don't know anything about. But instead of saying, no, you can't get this app or drilling him with a bunch of questions, I said, yeah, that sounds like, it's reasonable, but I don't really have all the information I need. Can you do some research for me and find out all of the potential dangers that might come up with using this app? And then we can work through all of those problems together and see if we can find a way for you to safely use this app. Now, of course, he came back to me and was like, there really is no problem with it. It's super safe, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, no, no, no, You have to actually go do the research and find the problems. I know there are dangers with this app because there are dangers with any app that accesses the internet. So find out what they are and then we can make an informed plan and an informed decision. But we have to have more information. We have to have the particulars to be able to move forward. The next time he came back to me with an actual list of potential dangers, and we talked about all the ways that we could make sure he was safe on this app despite those dangers. And then I could say yes and feel good about it because I had enough information. So, particulars is all about having your kids take responsibility for providing more information. Another example of what this might look like in practical application is if your child says, Hey mom, can I go to this party tonight? Instead of diving into a million questions about who and what and where and when and why and how. Instead start with Yes, that sounds like a lot of fun and I'd love for you to be able to go, but I think I need more information so that I can make a good decision and make sure you're going to be safe and everything's going to be okay. Then you can dive into some of those questions and ask the things you want to know without it feeling like an interrogation. When we lead with a yes, I want you to be able to go. Let me get some more information from you. Your child doesn't automatically go on the defensive and feel like they need to defend why they should be allowed to go. Instead, it's just a getting more information so we can make an informed decision. I love that reframing your no into a yes, by asking for particulars also gives your teen a chance to think about all of the factors that go into your decision making so that they can start to consider those factors for themselves when they are making decisions for themselves. I hope that you will use these four P's to start saying yes to your teenager more often. Say yes with prerequisites or parameters. Give your teen the opportunity to solve the problems that are getting in the way of the yes. And, Get the particulars so that you feel more comfortable saying yes. If you need more help knowing how to apply these four Ps to the specific challenges that you are facing in your parenting, to the specific things that your teens are asking for, join me inside my Enjoy community where you can get access to me via Marco Polo Coaching every single week. That is one on one, you and me, talking about your specific parenting challenges on Marco Polo, and it is so awesome and so helpful and such a great way for you to figure out how to apply the things you're learning here on the podcast to your own situation as a parent. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership
