Secret to a Strong Family Bond

This month inside the Enjoy community (https://client.jenbelltate.com/membership), we are talking all about how to build our family culture. A family culture is kind of like the vibe in your home. It's that feeling of connection and community. It's the this is who we are feeling. I am so passionate about family culture because it has so many linked benefits for our teenagers.   When our teens have that strong sense of culture and connection to their family, they are less likely to struggle with mental and emotional health. It's also been shown to improve their behavior, to improve their academic achievement, to increase their motivation, to improve their self-esteem, to improve their resilience, and to give them better coping skills.   And of course, we want all of this for our teens. So of course I would love for you to join us inside, enjoy, and be part of that discussion where we are diving deep into this concept. But I also wanted to share with you an episode Clear back from the beginning of the podcast called Three Secrets of Strong Families, and I hope that it will give you some really good, practical ideas that you can take and use with your family today.     These secrets of strong families will make such a difference in how much we as parents enjoy our families and how much our families enjoy each other. My biggest dream for my kids when they are grown and gone is that the bonds and relationships we have built together will be strong enough that they will all want to come back home and spend time together as a family. I hope that what I'm doing right now is creating that connection, that bond, so that my kids want to come back. That they will want to be in my home when they can. That they will want to be close to their siblings because of the connections that they've made throughout their lives.   It comes down to a couple of things that you can do right now that are actually super, super simple that we just don't even realize would make such a difference.   The 3 Secrets of Strong Families   Now, what you think is a strong family might be totally different than what I think is a strong family. Maybe you'd be totally delighted if your kids did not come home for holidays and you never had to host again, and that's totally fine.   So the first thing we're gonna talk about: The first tip is to know your goal. Now, what this means to me is that you have to know what it is you want your family to look like. What is a strong family to you? I want you to try this exercise: Think of three words that you would use to describe your family. If you had to sum your family up in only three words, what would the three words be? Now, if you want a little bit of entertainment, I want you to go to each of your kids and to your spouse and ask them what their three words are. It's so interesting how some of them are totally the same and some are very different from what you would have used to describe your family. I actually did this with my own kids and I thought it was hilarious, the things that they came up with and I thought I'd share some of them with you. This is how my kids would describe our family: Loud, accepting, interesting, funny, creative, kind, adaptable, playful, amazing, confident, friendly, helpful, smart, adventurous, fun and big.   Some of their words were the same as words from my list, and others I never would have thought of as words to describe our family, but either way, all of the words really made me think about what it is that I am creating in my home. When you have an idea of what words you would use right now to describe your family, you can make a goal for what words you want to describe your family, or any of the words you want to describe your family that are different from the words that currently describe your family. When you know what it is that you want to create, your brain is going to start looking for opportunities to create it. Not only that, you're going to start looking for the evidence that it already exists, and subconsciously without really much effort on your part, you are going to start becoming the family that you want to be.   The second secret of strong families is to look for the good. I know that this can be a challenge sometimes when you are in a difficult phase of motherhood. Sometimes it doesn't feel like there is any good to be found. I find my kids usually enter this stage around fourth/fifth grade, and it's not until like sixth or seventh grade that I start liking them again. 😉 I mean, I love them the whole time, but I don't really like them. I have found that as we look for the good, we will find more of it. Here are a few ideas that I have used in my family and that I have heard that others have used in their families that I think are really awesome to help you look for the good. Now, I don't want you to feel like you need to use all of these ideas, just listen for something that might work for you, and if you take one idea away that is great. You don't need to do it all, just do something to help you look for the good.   The first idea is to make a note in your phone with each child's name, and in that note, whenever you notice something great that that child does, I want you to just go into the note and write it down. If you want to put a date, awesome! If not, no big deal. This will just help you keep a record of all the good things about your child. Sometimes on days when your child is not that enjoyable to be around, you can pull up that list and remember all the great things about that child and all the contributions they do make, and sometimes it can totally turn around the way you feel about that child that day. Another thing that we have done in our family is to make sure we have lots of inside jokes. I love to talk about our funny memories: The funny things my kids have said, the funny things we've done, because when we have inside jokes that get us talking about our favorite memories, it reminds us of the connection, it reminds us of the goodness of being part of a family.   One year when all my kids were really little, we went on a vacation to the beach and we stayed in this hotel that was right on the beach, that was also a timeshare rental hotel, and so it had two bedrooms and a kitchen and living room area. Since my kids were all small, going out to eat was not that fun, so we went to the grocery store and picked up groceries for the week and cooked there in our hotel room. When it got to the end of the week, and it was time to check out, we still had quite a bit of ice cream left in our half-gallon container, so I pulled the ice cream out of the freezer and I gave everybody a spoon, and I said "Eat ice cream for breakfast." My kids went to town on that ice cream and finished every last drop. There hasn't been a vacation we've gone on since, where my kids haven't talked about ice cream for breakfast. Having inside jokes that you talk about that remind you of funny memories your family has had together create so much community and connection and become a part of your family culture.   Another idea is to text your children, especially your teens, compliments, when you see something that they are doing well. Now when we give our kids compliments, it's really easy for them to dismiss a compliment that they just hear, but when it is written, it's so much harder for them to dismiss that compliment. So not only does it help us focus on the good things that our kids are doing, it also helps our kids develop a sense of confidence themselves.   The third secret of strong families is to make sure that you connect in a variety of different ways. Years ago, I worked for Franklin Covey and I studied The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In that book, Stephen Covey talks about four different areas of self-renewal, and I think they apply the same way to our family as they do to ourselves. Those four areas are mental, physical, social, emotional, and spiritual.   So how do we connect mentally with our family? I used to love reading to my kids, it was my favorite, and that was a way that we connected mentally, some other ideas are to have family councils where you work together to solve problems that are coming up in your family. I am always amazed when we have a little family meeting at how many solutions we can come up with together. Other ideas are to learn a new skill together, take a class back together in the kitchen, even asking our kids what they learned at school will help us create that mental connection.   How do we connect physically? Over the course of covid, our family did a lot of physical connection. We went on hikes, we went biking, we went swimming, we went walking, but one of my favorite ways to make sure we're getting physical connection in our family is to give hugs. A few years ago, I heard Collin Kartchner speak and he talked about how important it is to give eight-second hugs. After he shared that, I made a goal to give each of my kids an 8 second hug every single day. [he said they need eight eight-second hugs a day, but I made it my goal to give at least one 8-second hug every single day.] At first, my kids were super resistant to this idea, but over time, they've gotten used to it, and it really does create a really special connection when you give someone an eight-second hug.   Some ideas for connecting socially or emotionally are to have parties, to host gatherings. We love to do that in our family, but I know not everybody does, but even just a family game night is a way to connect socially and emotionally. Another idea for connecting socially is service. During covid, we decided to do the 12 days of Christmas for a couple of families who lived nearby, and this was a huge bonding activity for our family. Every day, we would go and drop something off on these three different door steps in the 12 days leading up to Christmas, but some of these people had RING door bells, and so we had to get really creative and really clever about how we were going to stay anonymous amidst a RING doorbell. We have this big gorilla mask and the kids would wear the gorilla mask, and each day we'd send a tall kid and then a short kid, then a tall kid and short kid, or maybe two kids. It was pretty fun, and we had a great time trying to trick the people that we were doing this service for. It really bonded our family together, and we still giggle about that Gorilla mask and how we tried to trick the RING door bells.   The final way that we need to connect with our families is spiritually. Now, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I love my faith, and it is a big part of my life. But even if you do not belong to an organized religion or if you belong to a different religion than me, I still think connecting spiritually gives a new dimension to your family and strengthens your family in a special way. Here are some ideas for how our family connects spiritually: We attend church together each Sunday, we pray together, we study Scripture together. Now, if you don't study scripture, that's totally fine, you can study inspiring words or inspiring books together that will still give you that spiritual connection. Finally you can connect spiritually with your family by simply spending time in nature. There's something so special about being out in nature where you feel like you're part of something greater, something bigger, and it allows your soul to connect with other souls as well, and it's such a strengthener for families.   I hope that at least one of these ideas has resonated with you today, but I wanted to review really quickly the three secrets of strong families, number one, know your goal, number two, look for the good, number three, connect with your family in a variety of ways, and I would include in that mental, physical, social-emotional and spiritual.   This episode was so full of practical tips and I hope that you have taken away some that can help you in your family right now. But, if you need help with any of this, join us inside of ENJOY and we will dive even deeper into this process and how you can use it to make your family even stronger than it already is.