Join ENJOY

What Support Groups for Parents Are Missing

podcast Oct 03, 2023

This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast

Episode 67: 4 Toxic Parenting Mistakes You Might Be Making

with Jen Tate

Episode Summary:

What Support Groups for Parents are Missing

Are you making these 4 TOXIC parenting mistakes commonly found in Facebook Support Groups for Parents of Teens? You might be surprised by how many you are making every single day! 

Most parents do these things thinking they are helping them be a better parent, but they actually make parenting even HARDER than it already is! 

Make sure you listen to the end to find out how to replace the toxic mistakes with strategies that will actually make parenting EASIER and help you get the support you need. 

I just launched a brand new Facebook group called; “Teens are NOT the Worst” to be a safe haven for parents looking hope and solutions instead of complaining and bad advice. Find out what makes this group so special and why you definitely want to join!

  This site contains affiliate links for products and services we recommend. If you make a purchase through these links, at no extra cost to you, I will earn a small commission (for which I am very grateful).  

  

Why Support Groups for Parents of Teens Matter

There are dozens of support groups for parents of teens on Facebook and for good reason: teenagers don’t come with instructions. 

If you are anything like me, you have joined lots of support groups for parents over the years. You want to know if your teenager is “normal” and you want a place to talk to other moms who are going through the same stuff you are. You want a place to ask questions and get ideas when you are just about to the end of your rope. 

Raising Teenagers can be Lonely! 

I will be the first to admit that you NEED support! Parenting teens is not something I recommend trying to navigate alone. BUT, most of those support groups for parents of teens will leave you feeling frustrated, confused and like you are failing as a mom. They are full of bad advice, judgmental comments and toxic behavior. 

And all of that makes parenting even HARDER than it already is. 

When Support Groups For Parents Get TOXIC

I am sharing the 4 toxic parenting mistakes I see most often in these support groups for parents of teens that you are probably making too. BUT, I am also sharing what you can do instead to make parenting easier and more fulfilling. 

The worst thing you can do for your relationship with your teen is stay in toxic support groups for parents. Instead, I hope you will join my brand new, free Facebook group: “Teens are NOT the Worst.” The group is structured to help you avoid the 4 toxic mistakes and focus on giving you the healthy, solution-focused support you need!

4 Toxic Mistakes in Facebook Support Groups for Parents (and in life)

Complaining about your teen is not useful

The more you focus on all the negative things about your teen, the more you will notice them. Not only that, but as you write out all the details of your teen’s latest annoying/frustrating/upsetting behavior, the story gets more and more dramatic in your mind. 

The more you complain, the more difficult parenting will feel and the more challenging it will be to have a healthy relationship with your teen. You can’t complain about someone behind their back all the time and then turn around and expect to have a great relationship with them. Even if you think you hide it well, the stuff you think and say about your teen is shaping the way you treat them and your teen can feel it!

Commiserating about the terrible teens is not useful

I get it! You just want to know you aren’t alone! Talking about shared experiences – especially challenging ones – feels very connecting. But it also deepens your belief that parenting teens is hard, teenagers are terrible and that you are bound to be miserable until your teen moves out of the house. 

Every time someone agrees with you or tells you their similar experience, your brain files it away as more evidence that teenagers are the worst. Your brain will stop looking for evidence to the contrary and subconsciously you will start to sabotage any chance you had of enjoying the teen years. Your brain won’t look for solutions because it is completely convinced that it can’t be better, easier or fun. 

Spiraling in guilt and shame about what a terrible mother you are is not useful

Don’t believe the lie that focusing on all the ways you fall short is admirable or helpful. It doesn’t make you humble and it absolutely doesn’t motivate you to improve. It just leaves you frustrated and hopeless.

Some people do this by talking about all the mistakes they have made and downplaying anything they have done well. And some moms let other people’s opinions about their parenting from the comment section (or their mother-in-law) make them feel inadequate or unfit.

Even if they mean well, strangers on the internet do not know your heart. They do not know your child. They do not know your situation. Even if you write a novel to try and explain all the details of the situation, they just don’t know. Even people who know you well still don’t have a full picture of what is going on in your home. So take what they say with a grain of salt and do not let it make you feel hopeless or like a terrible parent.

Feeling hopeless will never improve your parenting. It will just stop you from wanting to keep trying. 

Thinking Other People Have Answers for Your Family is Not Useful

I hate to break it to you, but nobody can tell you exactly what you should do! There is no magic solution that will make all your troubles disappear. There is not a perfect consequence or a “correct” age to give your teen a cell phone. There are no perfect words you can say to smooth things over. 

Getting a bunch of conflicting advice from strangers on the internet is going to leave you feeling even more overwhelmed and confused. But more than that, it is going to make you doubt your own intuition. 

There are hundreds of ways to be an incredible parent and you just get to choose the way that feels best for you and your family! 

You have all the answers you need already inside of you. You know your child best. You know yourself best. You know your family situation best. You know what is best for you. 

And yes, you might need some guidance. You might need some expert resources. You might need some ideas from other people, but don’t take those ideas at the expense of listening to your own intuition.

Get Support, Toxicity-free

Now, if you’re anything like me right about now, you might be thinking, yikes, I do a lot of these toxic behaviors. I do a lot of these things, or maybe all of them. So what do I do instead? How do I connect with other people? How do I validate my experience that I’m going through that it is hard? How do I not just keep that all inside and how do I get the support that I need so I don’t feel all alone in this?

This is the question that I have been pondering for the last few months, as I’ve considered starting the “Teens are NOT the Worst” Facebook page. Here are five useful strategies to help you connect with other parents who are going through the same thing and find support, inspiration and hope.

5 Ways to Get Parenting Support, Inspiration and Hope

Know you are not alone in your challenges. 

It’s so helpful to know that you are not the only one going through something. It is why we are so drawn to telling other people our experiences. We want to know that we aren’t alone.

While complaining and commiserating about our teens feels connecting, it has a lot of negative side effects. Instead, my Facebook group will have regular polls about the things you’re experiencing with your teen. You will get to share your experience without rehashing all the details and see that you are not alone! 

It also protects your identity and keeps your information and details about your teen private. This creates a safe space to talk about even the most personal and real issues so nobody has to feel alone. 

Take action to make things better.

Instead of just talking about all the horrible things about teenagers, we want to go out and do things differently and think differently about our situations so that we can fix the problem. That is why you feel so terrible after scrolling…all that negative energy just weighs you down because you didn’t actually do anything to help you feel better!

In my Facebook group, there will be regular challenges to help you practice seeing the good in your teen and doing things that will improve your situation.

Learn about new solutions and ideas.

You do have all the answers inside of you, but sometimes those answers are sparked by something we learn outside of us. And then it resonates with us and we are able to recognize the answers we have been searching for. 

Having somewhere to get USEFUL ideas and information about raising teens is super helpful.

This podcast is a great place for that, but I will also be sharing additional ideas from myself and other experts in the Facebook Group. 

There will also be crowdsourcing posts so you can get ideas for how other people are doing things. And wouldn’t it be nice to have hard evidence that your teen is NOT, in fact, the only 14 year old who still has to do chores? There are so many great ideas that work for different families, we just need a safe place to share them. The posts will be structured to discourage judgement and finger pointing and encourage support and idea sharing.

See the good in your teen.

The more you look for the good in your teen, the better your relationship with them will be. I promise this is true! Their confidence will grow, your respect for each other will grow and there will be more peace and joy in your home. 

This is the whole vibe I’m hoping to create with Teens Are Not the Worst. It will be a place to celebrate our teenagers and help us see the good in them. 

Celebrate what you are doing right!

There is so much research that shows that when you focus on the ways that you are winning or learning every single day, you are actually more likely to achieve your goals. Even more than that, focusing on your wins makes you happier and more productive. 

If you want to improve your parenting, the best way to do it is to stay focused on the ways you are winning.

In the Facebook group you will be invited to share your parenting wins every single week. Not just the big wins, but the little every-day stuff too! I can’t wait for you to experience the power of this in your life.

Support Groups for Parents Don’t Have to Be Toxic

I hope this episode has given you lots of great ideas for how you can make your own life a little bit easier just by the way you think about your teenager and the way you connect with other parents over your shared experience. I also hope it gave you some insight into why Facebook Support Groups for Parents of teens leave you feeling lousy.

Make sure you join me inside Teens Are Not The Worst so we can connect and support each other though the challenges of raising teens. Let’s make parenting teens easier and more fun together! 

 

Want more? Listen to these next:

A Peptalk for Moms of Teens

4 Frustrating Parenting Mistakes You Might be Making With Your Teen

Your Brain is a Drama Queen

 

Mentioned on the Show: