Join ENJOY

When Your Teenager Argues About Everything

podcast Oct 10, 2023

This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast

Episode 68 When Your Teenager Argues About Everything

with Jen Tate

 

Episode Summary:

When Your Teenager Argues About Everything

🤔 Ever wonder why your teenager seems to enjoy arguing with you? 🔍

Dive deep into why your teen has to argue about everything you say and how it is actually teaching them some pretty important stuff.

Learn how these disagreements, as maddening as they may seem, are preparing them for a life of independent thinking, finding their identity, and navigating the world confidently.

PLUS, discover 3 key strategies to cut the contention and get both of you what you really want! 🌟 Spoiler: It's not about winning the argument!

Listen now to unlock the secrets behind your teen's frequent debates and how to navigate them with grace. 💡

Continue this conversation with me over in my FREE Facebook Group Teens are NOT The Worst.

 

  This site contains affiliate links for products and services we recommend. If you make a purchase through these links, at no extra cost to you, I will earn a small commission (for which I am very grateful).  

  

Understanding why your teenager argues about everything

Does it ever feel like your teenager is just looking for a fight? They argue about EVERYTHING…even the dumb stuff that doesn’t matter! It is as if everything you do or say is wrong and they just can’t wait to tell you all about it! (Crazy that we survived so much of our lives without them there to correct us! 😉)

As frustrating as it can be when your teen argues about everything with you, it is actually a sign that they are developmentally right on track!

The whole purpose of adolescence is for your teen to become independent…and that means they need to differentiate themselves from YOU! 

While they are still in your care, they don’t have control over a lot of aspects of their lives: where they live, the rules at your house, what you allow them to do (or not do). But the one thing they CAN control is their thoughts, ideas and beliefs. Arguing is an easy way for them to be different from you by expressing their opinions. 

Benefits of an Argumentative Teenager

I don’t expect you to like the constant opposition from your teen, but it does help them develop some pretty important skills that they will need and use throughout their lives. Knowing this can make it a little easier to not take those arguments personally or let them push your buttons. 

Arguing teaches your teen to be an independent thinker

Independent thinking is a vital and important skill that they will need throughout the teen years and into their adulthood and for the rest of their life. We want them to think for themselves and come to their own conclusions. We don’t want them to follow blindly or go along with people just because they are in a position of authority.

Arguing with us gives them a safe place for them to develop this skill and to learn how to use it in healthy and constructive ways. 

It helps them figure out who they want to be, what they want to believe, and how they want to show up in the world.

Arguing teaches your teen how to support their position

Arguing with you also helps them learn how to defend their position and offer evidence to support their side. This will serve them well in school, help them advocate for themselves and navigate conflicts in relationships. 

It teaches them how to find information that helps them be more confident in what they believe. 

Arguing teaches your teen to disagree with love

The ability to disagree with someone and maintain a healthy relationship with them is a skill that is severely lacking in our society today. It is the reason the world is so divisive and can’t find common ground.

As your teen argues with you, they learn that they can disagree and still love someone and be loved by them. They learn that disagreements are not a deal-breaker for relationships and they learn how to disagree with kindness and respect. 

It takes time to learn this skill, but it is well worth the effort it requires.  

You don’t have to argue with your teen

So, does this mean that we should just get in arguments with our kids all the time? No!

As the grown-up, it is your job to model healthy and respectful disagreement when conflict comes up. Each time your teen engages in an argument is an opportunity for you to teach through your example. 

3 Strategies to Try When Your Teenager Argues With You

Acknowledge their perspective

Nobody wants their opinion to be dismissed or ignored – especially not your teen who iss really trying to be independent. They want so badly to be different from you – so acknowledge that they have an idea that is different than yours. 

The worst thing you can do is dismiss their opinion and tell them they are wrong or their opinion doesn’t matter. All this does is put your teen on the defensive and make you the opposing force. And that just means you’re going to be stuck in this argument forever. 

Accept their independent thinking

The second thing you can do is accept that your teen is allowed to think differently than you. This can be really hard for parents when it involves faith, politics, values or deeply held ideals. It can be really challenging when your teen offers an alternate perspective that comes in direct conflict with one of these things that you hold very dear. 

This doesn’t mean that we need to agree with them or their opinion or their ideas. It just means that we need to accept that they are entitled to their own thoughts, ideas and opinions. 

If we can accept their perspective while making sure they know we love them even if we disagree, we offer a safe place for them to explore all their ideas. 

When we immediately go on the defensive and try to convince them to see things our way, it often causes them to dig in their heels and defend their position much more strongly and to believe it even more.

They hold on to it tighter if they think we are trying to take it away. But if we accept it, they don’t have to hold that belief so tightly. In fact, they can loosen their grip and hold it softly and maybe even set it down and explore some other ideas (possibly even the ones you have been sharing with them their whole life long). 

Find something you Agree on

The final strategy that I recommend if your teenager argues with everything you say is to find a way to agree with them. There is usually at least some common ground you can always find in any argument. You just have to look for what it might be. 

“You are right. I can’t make you do that.”

“You are right. I haven’t considered how this could impact your social life.”

“You are right. I don’t really understand, but I would like to understand better. Can you help me?”

Taking opportunity to agree with your teen – even in a small way – takes them out of defensive mode and puts them back into a more rational, reasonable state of mind. 

It isn’t a problem if your teen argues about everything

Arguing is a natural part of your teenager’s growth. Instead of seeing it as a negative aspect, view it as an opportunity for them to develop essential skills. 

By understanding their need to differentiate themselves from you, you can save yourself a whole lot of frustration. I hope these strategies will help you next time your teen comes in hot and ready for an argument. 

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

We are talking about argumentative teens over on my free Facebook group  Teens Are Not The Worst. Come join the conversation!

If you’re looking for help specific challenges with your teen, you definitely want to join the ENJOY parenting membership for one-on-one coaching, support and more strategies.

 

You may also want to check out:

Helping Teens Navigate Decisions

7 Tips for a Stressed-Out Teen

Show Your Teen You Love Them

Mentioned on the Show: