90. Teens and Depression === I actually had a different episode planned for today, but over the weekend, I had a few experiences that have just been weighing on my heart and on my mind. And I felt like we need to have this conversation right now. And it's kind of ironic because that's also what I'm asking you to do. I know that you have a million things on your plate. And when it comes to your teenager, there are a lot of competing priorities of things that are really important to be talking to them about and working with them on. But I want to encourage you to move this to the very top of the priority list. I know it's going to seem awkward and uncomfortable and it's not the most exciting topic, but I want to encourage you and challenge you to make time today to have this conversation with your teen. And you might be wondering to yourself, okay, this sounds serious, but what conversation do you want me to have? I want you to sit down with your teen today and have a conversation about the 9 8 8 crisis line. This is a phone number that they can call anytime they need someone to talk to, and they don't feel like they have anyone to turn to. Now, I know that you as their parent, who loves them so much, want to be the one that they turn to in times of crisis, when they are feeling depressed or anxious or overwhelmed, when they are considering self harm or suicide. I know that you want to be the one that they come to, but we need to make sure that they have resources if they don't feel comfortable coming to us. When you have this conversation about the crisis line and you let them know: this is the phone number and I want you to know that it's there, if ever you need it, it lets your teen know that you understand and realize that this could come up in their life. And then if they do experience any of this, they don't feel like they're broken or they're wrong. Because you warned them that this could potentially happen, and here's what you do if it does. The other beautiful thing that happens when you have this conversation with your teen is that it opens the line of communication between you and them on topics that are heavy and that are hard because you're willing to share a resource about something that is uncomfortable and challenging, they realize that you are open to hearing from them when things are uncomfortable and challenging. Now, of course, one of the main reasons that we have this conversation in the first place is to make sure that our teen has this resource, that they know it's available and that they can turn to it if they ever need it. So I would encourage you as part of this conversation to have your teenager add this phone number to their phone and put it in their favorites. I have the crisis line listed in the favorite phone numbers on my phone, and I have encouraged all of my kids to add that number to their phones. So that they see it more often. So they're reminded over and over that they are never That they always have somewhere to turn, even if it's not to me, even if it's not to a friend. There is a way to get help when they need it. And while I hope and pray that your teenager never needs to use this phone number, what if they do? It is worth having an uncomfortable conversation today to make sure that if something happens, they have help. It's like getting car insurance, right? We hope we never have to use it. We hope we don't get in an accident, but we get the car insurance. Because there's a possibility. We get the car insurance because there are other drivers on the road. We get the car insurance because the road is a dangerous place. There's so many things that can happen. And the same is true of the world your teenager is living in. There is an epidemic of mental health crisis among our teenagers. And we need to be prepared for that. Now, maybe your teenager won't ever need this phone number, but there is a very good chance that someone in their life will need support from the crisis line, at some point. And when you have had this conversation with your teen and your teen's friend comes to them and they are feeling depressed or they are considering suicide or they are self harming, your teenager doesn't feel like a deer in headlights and doesn't know what to do. They have a resource to share. They have a way to help and to support their friend who is struggling. Teens who become the confidant of a friend who is struggling with mental health, often feel torn because their friend doesn't want them to tell anyone, but they're concerned for their friend's wellbeing and they don't know what to do and they feel stuck. And when we have given our teens this resource, they don't have to carry that burden alone. Hand in hand with this conversation, I think it's also really important that we talk about what the signs are that our teen might be struggling with their mental health And this can be really challenging because a lot of the red flags that your team might be struggling. Are also very normal teenage behaviors. So what you really want to look for and pay attention to is a shift or a change in their behavior. Now, I am not a doctor or a mental health professional, and even if I was, I don't know your specific situation with your teen. But if you suspect at all, if you even have an inkling that your teen might be struggling with their mental health, I want you to go and get support immediately. Reach out to your doctor, get in to see them as quickly as possible. Let them know what's going on and they will be able to point you in the right direction. My purpose today is really to give you an idea of what you should be looking for. Some red flags you can watch for so that you know when to make that call to your doctor. But I also want to encourage you to listen to your intuition as a mother. You know your child better than anyone else. And if you think something is wrong, I want you to get help right away. Here are some of the signs and red flags of depression that you should watch out for with your teen. Of course, there is sadness, and this is the classic symptom of depression that we all think about. But, in teenagers, it is also very common that depression will manifest as irritability. They're always annoyed with everything. It can also show up as lack of motivation, and this is one that I hear really commonly from parents of teens that their teen all of a sudden is just not motivated anymore. And how do I motivate my teen? It may be that nothing is wrong and they're just lacking in motivation, but it is definitely a sign that they could be experiencing some emotional distress. Depression can also show up as insomnia, not being able to sleep, or sleeping too much and wanting to ,sleep all the time. Now, listen, I can pretty much guarantee that your teenager is tired, and so if they're sleeping all the time, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are experiencing depression. emotional distress or depression or anxiety or any of that. But if there's a change and all of a sudden they're wanting to sleep all the time, or they can never fall asleep and they look exhausted like they haven't slept in days, that could be a sign that there is something more going on. Another common symptom is loss of interest or loss of excitement about things they used to really enjoy. Also, a general lack of energy or often feeling unexplained illness or aches or pains. If they all of a sudden start getting headaches or feeling sick all the time, that could be an indication that something else is going on. You should also watch for appetite changes, and social isolation. If your teen all of a sudden is not wanting to hang out with friends, not wanting to get together with people, kind of wanting to just shut themselves in their room, that is something you definitely want to take seriously. Another red flag to watch for is that they might have trouble remembering things or concentrating. So if you're having to ask them over and over and they genuinely seem like they are forgetting, that What you've asked them before, that could be a sign that they are struggling with their mental health. And for sure, if your teen starts feeling very hopeless or really down about the future, if they start saying things that make you think they're feeling worthless, or if you notice any evidence of self harm or thoughts of suicide or anything of that nature, get your teen help immediately. Do not wait. Now, beyond getting your teen in to get professional help from a doctor, a therapist, a counselor, someone who is trained to know how to help them navigate this mental health struggle, there are some things that you can do at home. One question that I recommend parents ask their teen when they notice that they are struggling is, "is there anything I can do that won't make this worse?" this question is so fantastic because it lets your teen know that you see that they are struggling. It lets them know that you want to help. And it gives them ownership over whether or not they want your help and what kind of help they want. Some other practical things that you can try art to help your teen get more sunshine, to get outside, to feel the sun on them. You can also turn on all the lights inside, help your home feel bright and light. You can encourage them to move their body. Now, I want to give you a warning with this because I have experienced depression before and when people told me to exercise, I wanted to punch them in the face. That was so far outside the realm of possibility for me at that point. Because I was struggling to get out of bed and move around my house and just do basic things. But if someone had invited me to walk around the block or walk to the mailbox even... so anything you can do to get them up and moving without making suggestions that are so far outside the realm of possibility for them that it just overwhelms them and makes them shut down even more is a great place to start. Connection is another thing that they desperately need, but might have a hard time creating for themselves. So if you can invite them to get that connection in their life, if they're willing to go out and spend time with friends and people that make them happy, that's great. If they aren't up for that, it might just be that you need to show up for them more often. You need to be the person that they connect with. Another word of caution here. They don't want to be told all the things they need to do. They don't want to be corrected. They already know that they are struggling and they already probably know what they need to do to fix it and they just don't feel like that's in their capacity. So the best thing that you can do is offer a listening ear. "It seems like you are really struggling right now. Is that true? Tell me about it." That might be all you need to say, and then you just need to show up and listen. It is so important as a parent that you have empathy for what they are experiencing, that you listen to what they're saying and believe how they're feeling. Believe them about the experience they're having, even if you've never experienced it, even if you don't understand it, even if it doesn't make sense. That is the experience they're having and they just need someone to listen and see them and see that they are struggling. One more thing that I really want to caution you about is that you make sure you don't give them responsibility for your emotions. Your teen has enough on their plate managing their own emotions, they don't need to manage yours too. Now I know how hard it is to watch your teen suffer and to watch them struggle through a mental health challenge, But you cannot say things like I'm just so worried about you and I need you to open up and tell me what's going on. While that might be valid and true, what that does is it places the responsibility for how you are feeling your worry, your concern on them as if they need to fix it. And right now they can't even fix their own emotions. So choose your words carefully. Part of that is going to require that you take care of you. That you make sure you are getting the support you need so that you can stay calm and curious in those moments. That is the key to being the person that they can confide in and that they can talk to. You might need help to manage your own fears and your own frustrations and your own feelings about their challenges and their behavior and your worries about all of it. And if you do, please seek help from a coach or a counselor or a therapist. If you are in this position right now, reach out to me. I would love to support you and help you as you navigate this challenge with your teen. It is absolutely vital that you get your team the support that they need from professionals who know what they're doing, who can help them navigate this challenge. But, you are the one at home on the front line with them every single day. They might meet with that counselor or therapist once a week or once a month, but you are home with them every single day. And you need to be in a place where you can show up and support them. It is just as vital for you to make sure that you have the support that you need. Whether or not your teen is struggling right now, I want to remind you to have a conversation with them today about the crisis line. Tell them that the number is 988. Tell them why and when and how they can use it. Have them put it in their phone and add it to their favorites. This is one simple, practical thing you can do today and it will only take a few minutes, but it will make sure that those lines of communication are open so that if and when your teen is struggling, they know that they can turn to you because you are open and willing and ready to have that conversation. I know this was a heavy topic today, and I just want to send a great big virtual hug before we end, because I want you to know how much I appreciate your willingness to get into the messiest parts of life. This is where the true connection happens. This is where your teen learns that you are a safe place for them to turn no matter what. This is the most important work, and you are doing it.
