TEENS AND ENTITLEMENT I recently asked my instagram followers a few questions about entitlement. 86% said they think entitlement is more common now than ever before and 57% think it is a serious problem. 69% feel like teens struggle the most with entitlement and 100% of responders said their teens act entitled at least some of the time. Clearly this is a hot button topic for parents of teens. Nobody wants their teen to be entitled, so let’s talk about what entitlement is and what you can do to eliminate, or at least minimize, the problems that come with entitlement in your teen. I looked up a few definitions of entitled or entitlement and here are a few I found: believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges And then there were a few from the Urban Dictionary: feeling that you have the right to do or have what you want without having to work for it or deserve it, just because of who you are someone who thinks something is owed to them by life in general; or because they are who they are Something struck me as I read these definitions, though. We think of entitlement as a bad thing, but especially those first few definitions don’t sound completely terrible. In fact…I wonder if maybe we have been thinking about entitlement all wrong? I actually do believe that we as humans are inherently deserving of certain privileges. That our worth is 100% valuable regardless of the things we do or don’t do in the world. I believe that all humans deserve respect and basic rights. I want my kids to know and understand that they can actually have whatever they want in life. It seems that the problem with entitlement comes when it is not equally applied. When someone thinks they are better than someone else…so they think they deserve more or better. Or when they think they should have what they want even if they have to get it at the expense of someone else, essentially implying that they are more important, valuable and deserving than others. It seems that the judgement of others is the real problem…not the feeling of entitlement. I think it is important to understand this distinction because maybe entitlement isn’t as much of a problem as we think it is. Maybe we actually don’t need to be so worried about shutting down entitlement in our kids, as we need to be concerned with teaching them to recognize the inherent value in others who are different from us in some way. A lot of the struggles our teens are facing in the world right now, stem more from self-doubt, insecurity and lack of understanding of their self-worth. I see this in my own kids and in their friends and every time I talk to parents of teens about what their teens are going through. I wonder if hyper-concern on eliminating entitlement in our kids may actually contribute to more self-doubt, insecurity and low self-worth? I read a really interesting study from the association for psychological science that found people who felt a situational feeling of entitlement had increased creativity and problem solving. The same was not true of those who had an entrenched feeling of entitlement as a personality trait (like in the case of narcissism) because they were less likely to even engage in the task, but those who were able to feel the emotion of entitlement in a moment were creatively stimulated when they felt unique, empowered and worthy of good things in their life. Interesting, right? So why does it seem like teens struggle so much with entitlement? For one thing, it is a normal part of their development. They are going through a period of rapid growth and development and focusing on their own needs and desires is the way they create independence and autonomy from their parents. It is the way they figure out who they are and what they can do. This is why so many memes and jokes refer to teens feeling like the world revolves around them. Another reason teens may seem to struggle more with entitlement is because their brains are still developing and not fully mature. Their lower brain - the part of the brain that is looking for danger to keep them safe - develops first, and the upper brain - the part in charge of logic and reasoning - is the last to fully develop. Teen’s brains, just like ours, are constantly looking for danger and trying to keep them safe. And one of the ways our brains watch out for danger is by assuming that everything other people do relates back to us so we can determine whether they are a friend or foe. Your adult brain does this too, but you have the advantage of a fully developed upper brain that knows logically that people aren’t actually thinking about you nearly as much as your lower brain thinks they are. So how DO we navigate entitlement when it comes to our teens? Here are a few things that I think will help: 1. Recognize the benefits of entitlement. It isn’t all bad…in fact, just like the helpful emotions we talked about last week, it can be really helpful for our kids to feel entitlement and know that they are inherently valuable and worthy of great things in their life. That they are special and unique. Entitlement isn’t something we need to be afraid of our teens experiencing. When we recognize the good along with the bad, we are in a much better position to help our teens use it as a tool to grow and improve and create the life they want. 2. Let your teen dream big! Remember that what may seem like entitlement, might actually just be normal human development. Nothing has gone wrong if your teen thinks the whole world revolves around them. Asking for expensive shoes or dreaming about fancy trips doesn’t mean they are spoiled or entitled. They are figuring out what they want and who they are. It isn’t your job to provide those things for them, but be encouraging and say things like “That sounds so cool. I can’t wait to see how you make that happen!” Just like the study I told you about, feeling entitled may actually help them come up with creative ways to get what they want. 3. Teach your teen to value others. Teach them that human worth isn’t earned…it is inherent. My favorite way to do this is to get them involved in service. When you are serving someone else, you learn to see their humanness and recognize their value. You see that they are a lot like you in a lot of ways. Service is a great activity for teens to do with friends or for you to do as a family and will enrich your life and relationships along the way. Plus, it is a great addition to job applications and college admissions. If you need some ideas for service projects in your area, I love to use justserve.org to find different service projects nearby. 4. Watch what you say about others. Judging others is at the core of what we DON’T like about entitlement. Your teens are listening to the things you say and the way you talk about others. Your judgements of others will shape the way they see the world. This might require you to take a closer look at your own beliefs and the way you see other people and their value in the world, but I believe that is work that is definitely worth doing and is essential in helping your teen avoid the ugly side of entitlement. In fact, this is some of the work we will be doing together inside my ENJOY Coaching Community as we learn about gratitude and abundance in November. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membershipwaitlist 5. Cultivate a culture of gratitude in your home. Gratitude is one of the quickest ways to balance out entitlement. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have or what you think you should have, you focus your attention on what you do have. This is something I am extremely passionate about and something that is a huge part of our family culture, so I am dedicating a whole podcast to it next week. I will share all about how to create a culture of gratitude in your home and give you a whole bunch of practical ideas you can implement, so make sure you tune in for that. If you need help with specific issues related to entitlement or gratitude, you need to join me inside my coaching community in November because we are going to be learning all about gratitude and abundance. That is where I go even deeper and teach you strategies to implement these concepts and where I am able to coach you on your specific challenges. Doors will be opening next week and I will be sending a special discount to those on the waitlist before they do, so make sure you get on the list at the link in the show notes. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membershipwaitlist I hope this has given you a new approach to entitlement in your teen and I can’t wait to teach you all about creating a culture of gratitude in your family next week. Does your teenager think the whole world revolves around them? Are you worried about the entitlement culture and how to teach kids how to work for what they want? I'm sharing 5 simple strategies to help you navigate entitlement with your teen. Plus you'll learn a new way to look at entitlement so you can understand your teenager better. Join me inside my Enjoy coaching community in November to learn more about entitlement, gratitude and abundance and get personalized coaching and help with entitlement issues in YOUR home. https://client.jenbelltate.com/membershipwaitlist Find service opportunities in your area at www.justserve.org/.
