98. Teens and Social Media === I was answering questions over in my teens are not the worst facebook group the other day And one of the questions was about teens and social media and as I was typing out my response I realized I have a lot more to say about this than I can possibly fit in a simple comment on facebook. And so I decided to do a whole podcast episode on it because I know that this parent is not the only one who is struggling to navigate teens and social media. I think one of the big challenges that we're facing as parents when it comes to social media is that a lot of our decisions are being driven by fear. And it makes a lot of sense. There are a lot of voices out there telling us how scary social media is. They're telling us that Snapchat is evil and TikTok is ruining our children. It seems like every single day there's a new study that comes out that tells us just how bad social media and screen time is for our kids. That it's destroying their mental health and their physical health. And it's no wonder that we feel so afraid of social media as parents. And while so much of this is true, there are so many dangers that come along with social media and teenagers. And there are a lot of kids that are experiencing the negative impacts of too much social media use. But, when we parent from fear, we do not make our best parenting decisions. And often the decisions that we make end up having a negative impact on our relationship with our kids. So today I want to share my perspective on teens and social media. And I know that my perspective is in the minority. It might be a perspective you have never heard before, and it might not, because I know I'm also not the only one who has this position on social media. But I hope that this perspective will give you some space to approach social media without so much fear and give you hope that you can navigate this in a way that is safe for your child and also good for your relationship with them and good for them in the long run. Before we get too far into this conversation, I want to make sure that we all give ourselves a whole lot of grace when it comes to social media, because We have never navigated this before. This is not a tried and true parenting practice that we have seen the impact of over generations. This is really the first time that parents have had to deal with kids having access to social media. Facebook didn't even exist until 2004 and it looked a whole lot different then than it does now. Instagram came out in 2010. Snapchat in 2011, and TikTok wasn't even around until 2016. The whole concept of social media as we know it today has only even been around in the world for 20 years. So if you ever find yourself feeling guilty and bad about yourself for the way that you have handled this with your kids, I want you to give yourself a whole lot of grace. This is uncharted territory, and as we get more information, we can make better decisions. So with that in mind, let me tell you how I think about social media. When we teach our kids to drive a car, we don't just hand them the keys and sit them in the driver's seat and send them off to wherever they're going on their own. None of us would ever consider that as a good idea, right? Now, I know every family is different. Every state is different in the way they handle kids getting their driver's license. And so I'm just going to speak from my experience of what happens before you send your child out. in the car on the road by themselves. The first thing that happens before they ever get into a car is that they have to study and pass a written exam that covers all the laws and rules of the road. They have to understand how traffic flows and the laws about where to park and when, and they have to know how to interact with other drivers on the road so that they can stay safe. And all of this happens before they ever sit in the driver's seat of the vehicle. Once they pass the test, they get their driver's permit, and that means they can start practicing driving. The first time our kids go out driving, it's often in an abandoned parking lot where they can make all the mistakes with no negative repercussions. Either my husband or I am right there in the front seat with them, telling them what to do every step of the way. And we take it really slow. We go very slow. We make simple turns. We learn how far to turn the wheel and how to let it go back and straighten out. And even that feels really stressful at first because it's brand new. And then once they feel comfortable making turns and moving around in a parking lot, then we move to the road. But we don't take them out on a busy road. We take them to a calm, quiet road that doesn't get a lot of traffic. So they can just practice what it feels like to function on a road, to go the speed that you need to go on a road. And we do this on a quiet road because they have to learn how to do this before they are interacting with other people who they could potentially cause an accident with. Once they get comfortable on those quiet roads, we start to work our way up to busier and busier roads. We start to go on the roads that have multiple lanes, and eventually we make our way to the freeway where they have to drive faster. But it is a step by step process to introduce them, little by little, to the skills they need to develop to be a safe driver. Now, our state does not require driver's ed for teens, but our family has decided that we feel more comfortable once our kids have had actual driver's ed with a driver's ed instructor. And so in addition to the practice they do with us around the neighborhood, they also go to driver's ed. They drive with an instructor. And in the instructor's car, there is a brake pedal in the passenger seat so that if they don't stop fast enough or if there's a problem, the instructor can slam on the brake and keep them all safe. Once they have completed driver's ed and completed all the hours of driving practice necessary, then they can take their driver's ed test. They can drive on the actual road with. Someone who is watching their every move and making sure they know what to do on their own. And then, in our state, even after they have their driver's license, there's a six month period where they can only have one passenger in their car who is not a sibling. And, they aren't allowed to drive after certain hours of the night unless they have a parent in the car. And why do we do all this? Why is this such a process to be able to hand the keys to our kid, have them sit in the driver's seat, and drive on their own? It's because even though the car is a very helpful tool that so many of us need to use in our daily lives, if you don't know how to use it properly and safely, could cause a lot of damage. This is how I see social media. While there are a few exceptions, most of us are going to need to drive at some point in our lives. And just like most of us are going to need to drive, most of us are going to use social media. As much as you try to limit social media for your teen, they can find a way to access it if they really want. They will use it on their friend's phone, they will use it from a computer. Some of the teens I know who have parents who are really strict about social media have a secret phone that their parents don't know about that they can do anything they want on. And even if you do manage to limit access to social media while your teen lives in your home, the minute they turn 18 and go out into the world and become an adult, they are going to likely have access to social media. And not only that, but many jobs require you to have social media. And at that point, if you have not taught them how to use social media in healthy ways, they will get into the driver's seat of that car with no training, with no practice, with no one to guide them and help them and with no safety brake. I believe that as parents, we have the responsibility to teach our teen to use social media in healthy ways. And we cannot do that if we are afraid of it ourselves. We need to start out by teaching them how social media works. Teach them the dangers. And don't sugarcoat it. Be upfront and honest with them. Because they are going to encounter the dangers of social media. And then, teach them all the ways to use social media for good. With you right there in the driver's seat, take it for a spin around the parking lot. Let them know that this isn't forever that we're doing this together, but we're doing it together right now, as you learn the ropes, as you figure it out. we're going to sit down and we're going to figure it out together. So I can make sure that you're staying safe and you're developing the skills you need to be able to head out onto the road. And when you feel really comfortable with their skills in the parking lot, let them go out on the road. Give them a little more freedom, but don't forget that you're still in the passenger seat with them. You're still there directing them and guiding them. And little by little, we're going to give them more and more freedom as they demonstrate that they have mastered the skills needed to be safe in the next level of driving. While they are developing essential skills like self control and healthy self esteem and healthy boundaries, you are going to be right there to guide them. And if they go too far, if they go out on the road and they lose control of the wheel and it's scary, you just take them back to the parking lot and you practice the skills there again until they're ready to try the road one more time. Not only is this approach so much more effective in helping prepare your child for a lifetime of access to social media, but it also builds your relationship with them. It puts the two of you on the same team. You're working toward the same goal, which is that they have full driver's seat privileges of their social media activity. That's the goal. And when they know that you are working toward that goal as well, they want to work with you. They want to learn the skills. They want to be safe on social media. With all of this in mind, what would it look like if you applied this principle in your home, when it comes to teens and social media? What level of driving is your child at right now? What skills do they need to develop? Have they been out on the road driving with no practice and no understanding of the laws and no safety brake and no parent in the front seat teaching them what to do? Or have you been protecting them from social media so much that they haven't even started to develop the skills they need to function on it? Either way, it is not too late. Start today. Sit down with your child. Have a conversation about what this is going to look like moving forward. If you've done it wrong, just say, I didn't know what I didn't know. And now I do, and I want to do better. I want for you to be safe on social media. I want you to have full control. I want you to be able to have a good, healthy, solid relationship with social media for the rest of your life. And this is what I think we need to do so that you can develop the skills you need to have that. I hope that this perspective has been helpful for you. And I hope that it's given you a lot to think about as it relates to how you are going to handle social media in your own home. I have absolute confidence that you know what is best for your family. The answers are already inside of you. And I also know that sometimes our fear and our anxiety and our worry about doing it right, get in the way of finding those answers. So if you need help figuring out the specifics of how you want to handle this in your family, or if you've been doing it one way and you need to change course, please reach out. My whole purpose as a coach is to help you see past all the things that are getting in your way and find the answers for you and for your family.
