Have you ever dreaded a conversation you knew you needed to have with your teen? You needed to set some expectations, confront them about their behavior, say no to something they really want to do or deliver some news they aren’t going to like. You knew what you needed to say, but you just didn’t want to say it. You had played the whole scenario out in your mind…best case scenario, you get an eye roll and they tell you how controlling or overprotective or out of touch you are. But the more likely scenario is that it damages your relationship with them, they scream, “I hate you,” tell you how you are ruining their life before they storm off to their room and slam the door. In these situations, we try to craft our words perfectly so that we can minimize their reaction. We try to be strategic and calculated. We ask our mom or our spouse or our friends how we should say it. We think that we could make them understand if we could only package our message in the perfect words, bring it up at the perfect time, and use the perfect tone. And we don’t just do this with our teens. So many of us are constantly searching for the right opportunity, the right words, the right mood to talk to someone about something we don’t think they are going to like. My coaching clients often tell me about situations where they feel like they can’t say what they want because it will cause too many problems. They try not to bring it up and they change the subject if it does come up. They live in constant dread about the day they have to actually have a conversation about it. They describe all the ways it is causing tension in their relationship. How they just pretend everything is fine even though it is not. How they wish the other person could just understand or be different. How they shouldn’t be so difficult. And I ask them the same question every time: what if we just told them the truth? What if we stopped trying to control how they might respond or react? What if we stopped looking for the perfect words and the perfect moment? Every time I ask this question, my clients give me a dozen reasons why that is a terrible idea and why it would never work, until I explain this concept. The truth is complicated. It is never as simple as no, you can’t go to the concert. Or I don’t want you hanging out with those friends anymore. Or I am worried about your grades. There is always more to it than just the final conclusion. There are all sorts of factors and considerations and emotions and exceptions. I think the best way to illustrate this is with an example I think most parents can relate to: your teen is spending too much time on their phone and you have decided there need to be some limitations. The truth is that you want your teen to spend less time on their phone. But the truth is also that you see the value of your teen having a phone. That’s why they have it in the first place, right? The truth is that you want to be able to get a hold of them and you want them to be able to coordinate and communicate with friends. The truth is that you aren’t sure how to navigate cell phone limits because the technology is changing faster than you can keep up. As soon as you think you have something figured out, things change or stop working and you have no idea why. The truth is you know the dangers of screens…sex predators, social media comparisons, poor sleep, addiction, undeveloped social skills, pornography and the list could go on. The truth is you know your teen will eventually be an adult who has unlimited access to their phone and you want to prepare them to make good choices. The truth is you struggle with using your phone too much just like they do and you wonder if it is hypocritical to limit their phone use when you struggle to limit your own. The truth is you love your teen and you want what is best for them. The truth is you don’t want to set limits that they will just find a way to work around. The truth is you don’t want to fight about how much time they spend on their phone anymore because more than anything you want your teen to know how much you love them and how you only worry about it because you love them so much and you don’t want them to do anything that puts them in physical or emotional danger. When all you share is the part about spending less time on their phone, you aren’t being completely honest. When you don’t say anything so that you can avoid the conflict and you harbor resentment and get annoyed every time they are on their phone, you aren’t being completely honest. Telling only part of the truth is still pretending…it is still lying. Telling only part of the truth creates disconnection. It leads to judgement, rejection and avoidance. Telling the whole truth requires us to be vulnerable. It requires us to be authentic. It creates connection because it invites someone to really see us and know us and it requires us to see and know them. Telling the whole truth is the kindest thing you can do for someone. It is the way you show someone that you are more interested in a connected, authentic relationship than avoiding some discomfort or disagreement. That you are willing to be uncomfortable, to be vulnerable to be shut down or embarrassed if it means there is a possibility of a better relationship in the end. One of the most important benefits of telling the whole truth to our teens, is that it is an invitation for them to be completely honest with you and an indication that you will be a safe, open space for them. Have you ever been to someone’s house that was perfectly decorated, clean, and clutter free. How comfortable did you feel walking on their carpet with perfect vacuum lines or relaxing into their freshly floofed couch covered in designer pillows? In contrast think of a house where you feel right at home. Where you can relax and be yourself. Where you can set your drink on the coffee table and curl up on the couch with a cozy blanket. I am guessing it isn’t the perfectly decorated house with the vacuum lines in the carpet (no shade to the people who can keep their houses spotlessly clean, just using it as an analogy). If we want our teens to feel comfortable being completely honest with us, we need to show them how. We need to show them that we can handle some discomfort. If we want them to tell us how they really feel, what they are struggling with, the things that weigh on their mind and the dreams they are chasing, then we need to show them that we know the truth is messy and complicated and we would rather see the mess than a façade of the “perfect, obedient child”. If we want our teens to talk to us instead of finding ways around our rules…if we want them to reach out to us for help instead of carrying the weight of anxiety or depression alone…if we want them to feel safe bringing us their secrets, we need to show them that we value complete honesty. We need to show them that our thoughts are messy too, and they can feel right at home bringing their mess to us. I am not suggesting you tell your teen every single thing you think or unload your emotional baggage on your teen. Please do NOT do that! If you need a place to vent or work through your emotional mess, get a coach or a therapist. They don’t need to carry your emotional mess in addition to their own. But when it involves them and it is appropriate, tell them the whole truth. Your teen won’t always like what you have to say, but when you tell the whole truth, it humanizes you. It teaches them to consider different perspectives they may not have even realized existed. They get to understand the whole story. You give them an opportunity to get to know you better, even if they don’t end up agreeing with you. I know telling the whole truth isn’t easy, and it can feel scary to go into a conversation like this, so here are 4 tips to help you prepare so it will be a little easier for you. 1. Figure out what the whole truth is. Before you go into a difficult conversation, write down what you are worried about, what you are considering and how you came to the conclusion you did. 2. Check your motivation. Telling the whole truth should be motivated by love, not an effort to control the other person’s reaction. In reality, we can’t control their reaction even if we try. Their reaction is created by their thoughts and feelings about what you say. Ask yourself why you want to tell them this. Because you want them to change? Because you need them to understand you? Go into the conversation willing to tell the truth just because you love them enough to be honest regardless of how it turns out. 3. It helps to use a “cushion” to start the conversation. You can say something like: “I need to tell you something that is hard for me to talk about and it might be hard for you to hear, but I care about you so much that I really want you to know the truth.” Not only does this help you start the conversation, but it gives them a chance to prepare for what you are going to say. If you jump right in, they may immediately go on the defensive or tune you out. 4. Approach the conversation with curiosity. Don’t come into the conversation with expectations of how they are going to react. Ask genuine questions and really listen to the answers. True connection happens when both of you are able to share the whole truth and you invite that with curiosity. The goal isn’t agreement, it is understanding. One way to use curiosity when addressing a behavior issue with your teen, is to approach it with confusion. This gives your teen the benefit of the doubt and opens the conversation for them to share their perspective instead of putting them on the defensive. “You are so smart and you typically get good grades and are super responsible about school, so I was really confused to see that you have a D in science on your midterm. Tell me what’s going on there.” This technique has saved me so many times with my teens. Usually it isn’t at all what I thought it was and it builds trust when they have the opportunity to explain what is going on instead of me just jumping to conclusions and inflicting punishment. Telling the whole truth really is an act of kindness. Not only for the other person, but also for yourself. Instead of worrying and obsessing and resenting and dreading, it opens you up to understanding and connection and peace. If you need to have a difficult conversation and you just can’t seem to get to curiosity and love, I can help you work through it. Schedule a free mini-session at the link in the show notes.
