As you might know, a few months ago, our family got a puppy that we named Benny, and this sweet little Benny is going to be an emotional support dog for one of our kids. And so since we got Benny, we have been hard at work training him in all the things he needs to know to be a good dog and to be a member of our family and to live in our home. But as we have been working hard to train this puppy and teach him all the skills he needs, I have noticed so many similarities between what works with my puppy and what works with teenagers. So I want to share some of that experience with you so that you can see some of those similarities for yourself and get some ideas for some things you can try to more effectively train your teenager now we are not new to having a dog in our home. My husband and I have been married for 20 years and we have had a dog 19 of those 20 years. So we knew what to expect bringing a puppy into our home. We knew it was going to be a lot of work. We knew what it was like to train a puppy and teach them basic commands. But since there was this added level of wanting Benny to be an emotional support dog, we decided that we would invest in some training. from someone who knew how to train service dogs. And so we sent him away for two weeks, longest two weeks of our life. We missed him so, so much, but we sent him away for two weeks to learn some basic commands. So since he's just a puppy, we had to start with a good foundation of obedience training. So while he was at his training, he learned two basic skills. The first was how to walk on a leash. So he learned how to walk right next to you on a leash. When you stop, he stops and sits down. And then if you want him to lay down, you can give him a command to have him lay down on the leash. And then as soon as you start walking, he starts walking again with you. This has been so helpful because we can get him to go and do anything we need him to do whenever he's on a leash. The second command he learned was place. So in order to have them place, you take them to a mat. It can be a bed or a towel or a blanket, and you tell them to place, and they have to stay on that mat until you release them. In order to qualify as a place, the dog has to have at least two paws on the mat at all times until you release them. Well, when we went to pick up Benny after these two weeks, we were so delighted to learn that he had mastered all of these skills with the trainer. But that isn't where the work ends because now we were going to take him home and we were going to have to make sure that he could follow those commands for us. And when I say us, I mean for all seven of the people who currently live in my home had to be able to give these commands and have him follow. The trainer told us that Benny had actually been able to stay on his mat in a place for up to an hour. And even if the trainer left the room and was completely out of sight Benny stayed on the mat. So we were so excited to see how he did with this at home. The first day we got him home, we put him in a place, and he got up a couple of times, but for the most part, he stayed in that place. Over the next couple of days, we We continued to be so impressed by Benny's ability to follow this place command. Every once in a while he would forget he was in a place and he'd get off or he would get distracted by something and get off. But if we would walk him back to the place and tell him to place again, he would go right back to following the command until we released him. One afternoon, I was practicing the place command with him and he was on a mat close to our front door and people were coming in and out of the door. People were walking all around. The kids were getting food and he just stayed in that place for a whole hour. I was so impressed. But as he started getting more and more comfortable being back home with us and interacting with us, he started to test the boundaries. After I would put him in a place, he would watch me walk away and keep his eyes glued to me until he felt like I was not paying attention. And as soon as he felt like I was not paying attention, he would start to inch off of his mat. Slowly, but surely, keeping two paws on the mat at all times so it technically counted as a place. But he would keep watching and keep paying attention to me, and every time I was not paying attention, he would scoot a little farther and a little farther from his mat until he was completely off the mat and out of his place. The minute I started to move toward him to put him back in his place, he would get up and get back on his place all by himself. He knew exactly where he was supposed to be and what he was supposed to be doing, but he never took his eyes off me. He would continue watching me until again he felt like I wasn't paying attention. And once again, he would start to inch off the mat. Well, this would happen over and over and over. And I would start to get really, really frustrated. He knows what he's doing. I can tell he knows that he is supposed to be on this mat. And yet here he is getting off the mat every time just to annoy me, right? The more worked up I got, the more frustrated I got, the quicker he would start to move off the mat as soon as I walked away. To the point where at one point he would just follow me right off the mat. He wouldn't even stay in the place at all. Finally, I was so frustrated that I would place him and walk away while looking directly at him just far enough that I could give the command to release him because I was Over it. I was not doing this anymore. Even though Benny knew the place command, he knew exactly what I expected him to do and he knew how to do it and he was capable of doing it. But freedom was so much more appealing for him. The craziest thing is that here he was inching off of his mat, a place he goes all day long because he really enjoys laying there, it's his favorite place to cozy up. But he was inching off of it inch by inch and laying on the hard wood floor instead because he didn't want to be controlled. You can probably relate to this with your teenager. Your teenager knows the command. They understand all the things you expect them to do. They have been living in your house for their entire lives. They know what you like and what you don't like. They know what you expect and what you expect them not to do. They know the kind of clothes and the grades and the friends that you think are acceptable. They're not confused about any of that. They know all of it and they're capable of doing all of it for the most part. But they are seeking freedom and independence. Just like my dog wanted to decide when and where he was going to lay, your teenager wants to decide for themselves what they are going to do. They don't want to be told by you. And sometimes they value that freedom and independence more than they value their comfort and safety. And the more frustrated you get, the more worked up you get, the more persistent they will be at challenging your boundaries. So what do we do about this? Do we just give up on the idea of them learning the command and let them do whatever they want? That's not what we're doing with our dog. We aren't teaching Benny to place because we want to control him. Learning to place will benefit him in so many ways. In order for him to be able to be out and with our family all the time, he has to learn this skill. He has to know how to place so that he doesn't go running out the door and get hit by a car. He has to learn how to place so that we can take him anywhere with us and know that he will stay with us when we ask him to. So here are the three takeaways that I think will benefit you most when it comes to your teenager. First, Limit the number of commands. There were really only two commands that we are working on with Benny right now. We go back every two weeks to learn more skills to add on to what he's doing, depending on how he's doing with the skills he already knows. But for now, it's only two, and you can apply this same concept to your teenager. Pick the two or three most important things that you are willing to go head to head with them on. Whatever you choose, you have to be willing to enforce them every single time. You have to be willing to be consistent and you have to be able to enforce those things. So pick the two or three things that are the very most important to you. Does this mean you can't ask them to do anything else? No. Those are the two main commands that we enforce every single time. And we only do those commands when he is on the leash, because that is when we are consistently able to enforce them. But throughout the rest of the day, we are giving Benny lots of commands and often we are rewarding him with a treat or with a snuggle. So he is able to do those. But if he doesn't do it He's not in trouble. He just doesn't get the reward. You can ask your teen to do things all day long, but they aren't things that have a consequence. They are not things that you are going to enforce. You need to focus on your two or three things. And when they have mastered those things, then you can think about adding more. The second takeaway is to keep your emotions in check. The more frustrated and the more worked up you get, the more persistent your teen will be in challenging you. So keep your own emotions in check. This is hard. It is very simple, but it is challenging to do. So If you need help with that, please reach out. And I would love to support you, I have some free resources and I offer lots of help with this inside of my Enjoy Coaching community. Remember that this is the process of learning. And it is kind of frustrating. You have to do it over and over and over again until they know for sure that you will enforce it every single time. And finally, the last takeaway is that we want to offer our teens lots of other opportunities for freedom and independence. That is a basic need for them, especially during the teen years, we all need freedom and independence, but your teen needs it at a whole new level. That is what they are seeking. That is part of their biological development. So give them lots of opportunities to exercise that independence and to use that freedom in healthy and safe ways. Other than the three training sessions we do with Benny every single day, and the time he spends sleeping in his crate, he is free to roam. Now, this doesn't mean he has full reign of our house- he's not ready for that yet- he can't handle that yet. We keep him in the room where we are, but he gets to be free to explore and roam in whatever space we're in. When we take him in the backyard, he's free to run around and play however he wants. We give him safe opportunities for him to exercise his freedom and his independence. And we can do that for our teens as well. We want to create an environment where they are set up for safety. But within those safe bounds, we want to give them as much independence to exercise their freedom as we possibly can. They need it. And so let's give it to them in healthy and safe ways. If you have questions or you need help implementing any of these concepts in your home, please reach out to me on Instagram @jenbelltate, or in my private Facebook community, Teens Are Not The Worst, and I would love to support you and help you even more.
