This is Going to Be FUN: the Podcast
Episode 45: When Your Teen Triggers You
Episode Summary:
When Your Teen Triggers You
Does your teen's behavior ever trigger you? Your anger level goes fom 0 to 100 in an instant?
You need to know the real reason you are getting triggered - and it isn't your teen's behavior.
Learn the three magic questions that will help you figure out the real trigger so you can make rational decisions instead of just flying off the handle.
With the answers to these questions you will know if you need to set some clear expectations with your teen or if there are some adjustments you want to make in your parenting.
Either way, sweet relief is on the way!
What are your triggers?
We’ve all been there. Your teen says or does something that just sets you off. You can usually keep your cool, but THIS sets you off every time.
- Playing games on their phone when you have asked them to do something.
- Fighting with their siblings.
- Slamming their bedroom door.
- Leaving their shoes in the middle of the entryway so you can’t open the door.
Every.single.time it happens, your anger goes from 0-100 instantly and you feel a flood of negative emotion. And then, if you are like most parents, you blow up at your teen and then feel bad for losing your cool afterward (even if they did deserve it because you have talked about this a million times already). And often it is just normal teen behavior that sends you spiraling.
Here’s the thing though. It isn’t your teen’s behavior that triggers you.
The REAL reason you get triggered
If it isn’t your teen’s behavior that is triggering you, what is it?
The meaning you are giving to your teen’s behavior.
It happens in an instant, so you might not even realize how much meaning you are giving to your teen’s behavior. They do something, you have thoughts about how terrible it is and then you feel the flood of negative emotion.
Slow things down to find the meaning
If you notice that there are certain things your teen does that seem to set you off every single time, you can slow it down and figure out what you are making it mean by asking these 3 simple questions about your child’s behavior.
3 Questions to Decode Your Triggers
What are you making this mean about your child?
The answer to this question is almost always a list of adjectives and negative labels. It sounds like, “They are so irresponsible/lazy/rude/selfish/disrespectful.”
What are you making this mean about your child’s future?
Of course we want our kids to have the best possible future. Everything we do is an attempt to set them up for future success. But because of that, we often make their current behavior mean something terrible about their future behavior. The answer to this question is usually based in fear about their future. It sounds like, “Now they will never…”
What are you making this mean about you as a mom?
The answer to this question usually boils down to some version of “I am a bad mom”. We use our child’s behavior as evidence that we have done something wrong and this is our fault. It often sounds like, “I should..” or “I should have…”
What to do with the answers
Once you know the answers to these questions, you have some data to help you make informed decisions so you don’t have to keep getting triggered.
Question whether they are true
When your teen keeps playing on their phone when you ask them for help, you might think they are lazy – but is that true? Is there any evidence that they aren’t lazy?
Maybe they are actually really hard-working and they are sitting on the couch ignoring you because they just got home from a sports practice and they are exhausted. Or maybe they just didn’t hear you because they have their headphones in. Maybe it is just normal teen behavior?
Maybe you get triggered when your teen gets any grade that is less than an A. Your family placed a lot of emphasis on grades growing up and always expected you to get A’s, so you have the same expectation for your kids.
It is worth questioning whether you want to keep believing that A’s are the only acceptable grade. Maybe you will want to keep believing it, but maybe it is just creating friction in your relationship and you can drop that belief.
Our brains offer us a lot of information – but not all of it is accurate! When you notice the inaccurate stuff, you stop believing everything your brain says and you feel a LOT better. (Remember…your brain is a drama queen!)
Address the legitimate concerns
Not everything your brain tells you is wrong, though. Sometimes it brings up some valid concerns. If your teen slams their bedroom door so hard that it shakes the whole house and breaks stuff, thinking “they are going to break stuff” is a valid concern.
So what do you want to do about it? Do you want to establish some expectations and consequences around slamming doors? Do you want to put a bumper on the door so they can’t slam it?
Slowing down and asking these questions gives you data to be able to make those decisions rationally instead of just reacting in the moment.
Make needed improvements
You are not a bad mom. That is just a straight up lie. But you can learn a lot from what you make your teen’s behavior mean about you.
Do you want to make some adjustments? Are there things you want to do differently as a mom? Are there past mistakes that you are holding against yourself?
Beating yourself up for past mistakes is not going to make you a better mom. It is going to cause you to keep getting triggered over and over again and reacting in a way that makes you feel even worse. You did the best you could with what you had. Forgive yourself and move on.
These three questions will give you so much insight into why you are getting triggered and what you can do about it, but sometimes it is hard to figure out the answers on your own. If you need help, schedule a parenting strategy session with me and I will help you work through one of YOUR triggers so you can find some relief!
Mentioned on the Show:
Podcast Transcript
A few weeks ago, I got home from an appointment after dropping my kids off for school, and I found my sink in my kitchen completely filled to the brim with dishes. I couldn't fit another thing in, it was so full. The way we do chores at our house is that everybody has one job that they do in the evening for the whole week. So one of the kids is always responsible for doing the dishes after dinner and. The daughter who happened to be in charge of doing dishes that week didn't do it. She had had a really rough week. It had been quite the emotional rollercoaster that week, and so I decided, you know what? I'm going to help her out. I'm going to do the dishes for her. A lot of times I will just leave the dishes and they will have to do them when they get home from school. But this time I thought, I'm going to just help this daughter of mine out. So I started unloading the dishwasher and I started with the utensils. I pulled out the basket and took it over to the utensil drawer and started, um, sorting them into the utensils and noticed that in the utensil drawer there was a spoon that had clearly gone through the dishwasher and come out of the dishwasher, but it still had like dried lettuce stuck to it. And I thought to myself: my kids are so lazy. Why would they put this spoon in the drawer? This is so ridiculous. And why should I have to take this out? Why am I the only one that ever notices these things? And as I started to think all of these thoughts, I started to feel really angry and resentful and really frustrated with this child who hadn't done the dishes. And I caught myself and realized, I was trying to do something kind for her and instead I was feeling really angry and frustrated and resentful, and I was able to really take a minute and pause and question all of those thoughts that were coming up for me. This daughter was not really lazy and she wasn't irresponsible. She had just had a rough week. And instead of continuing to feel resentful and frustrated and angry, I once again could drop into that. I love this girl and I want to help her out cuz she's had a rough week and I bet you can relate to this experience. Do your teens ever do things that trigger you, that cause you to start feeling really frustrated and angry and upset, and create this whole story and dialogue in your mind as you go about your day? I want you to start paying attention to when those things happen and start looking for patterns. What are the things that create these triggers in me that cause me to get so upset and frustrated? I'm going to share three questions that you can ask yourself when you notice those situations coming up. But before I do, I want to make sure that you understand that it isn't your teen's behavior that is causing you to get triggered. What's happening is that when you notice that behavior, you have thoughts about it that create a whole flood of negative emotions for you, and you have those same thoughts every single time. It. And it happens so quickly that we might not even realize that we have any thoughts about this behavior, but we do. And that is what's causing us to feel those negative emotions. So today I want to help you slow those thoughts down and figure out what they are so that you can figure out why your teen's behavior is triggering you and do something about it. When you notice that there is something your teen does that triggers you, I want you to ask three questions. The first question is, what am I making this mean about my child? And the answer is almost always a long list of adjectives and negative labels. Things like irresponsible, lazy, rude, selfish, disrespectful. Our teen behaves in a certain way, and we make it mean something about who they are as a person, about their character, about their person. The second question we need to ask is, what am I making this mean about my child's future? We love our kids so much, and we always want what's best for them. So our brains are constantly thinking about how we can set them up for a future of happiness and success and a great life ahead. But the downside of that is that we make the things they do today mean something about their future. We are afraid that if we allow them to continue behaving this way, it's going to have a negative impact on their future. The third question you need to ask is, what am I making this mean about me as a mom? And spoiler alert, the answer is almost always that you are not a good mom. You make their behavior mean that you have failed them in some way, that you have done something. And you should have done it differently. I want to share some examples of how you can ask yourself these three questions when you get triggered. So the first example I want to share is when siblings are fighting with each other. This is one that comes up a lot for me. I have twin 10-year-old boys, and they are at that stage of life where they just. Fight all the time, and every single time I notice myself getting extra frustrated, extra mad, and my patience is really thin. It's one of those things that I feel triggered by. So when I ask those three questions, here are some answers that I might get. What am I making it mean about my child? They're out of control. They're a bully. They're disagreeable. They're mean. They're short-tempered. What am I making it mean about my child's? They might grow up to be a jerk. They won't be friends with each other, and so they'll never come home to visit me for the holidays Together. They might treat other people poorly. They might never learn to control their temper. What am I making it mean about me as a mom? I should have raised them better. I haven't taught them well enough. I taught them this by yelling at them when they were little. I am not a good. Do you see how the answers to those questions are really what's creating that real negative emotional response for me? Here's another example that I see come up all the time with my clients, and it's how much time their teens spends on screens. So what are we making that mean about the child? Could be that they're addicted to screens, that they're kind of nerdy, that they're anti-social, that they're not well-rounded. That they're lazy. What am I making it mean about my child's future? They might not ever develop social skills. It might be a problem for their development. They might never get married. They might be a couch potato for the rest of their life. They're never going to get a job. Their health will suffer. They might just want to live in my basement playing video games for the rest of their life. What am I making it mean about me as a. I should be more strict with screen time. I've done it all wrong. I'm setting a bad example because I spend time in front of screens too. I'm not monitoring their screen time enough. I've given them too much. I am not a good mom. Here's one more example that I see come up a lot for moms of teens, and that is grades. Especially if you grew up in a family that really prioritized and valued getting good grades. This might be a trigger for you when your teen is not getting the grades you think they should. So let's ask the three questions. What am I making this mean about my. That they're irresponsible, they're lazy, they're a slacker. Maybe they're not smart. Maybe they're not trying, maybe they're not fulfilling their full potential. What am I making it mean about their future? They aren't going to get into college. They'll never get a job. They might live in my basement forever. They'll never learn how to work hard and be responsible. They won't be smart. And what am I making it mean about? I should be checking their grades more often. I haven't taught them good study habits. I should have been more diligent when they were younger. I should have read to them more. I am not a good mom. When you go through this process and you slow those thoughts down and figure out what they really are and why they're making you feel so terrible, you might be really surprised at what you. In fact, the answers to these questions might make you feel even worse at first. But the good news is now we have some data to work with. Now we know what the real problem is and we can figure out a way to solve for it. As you go through the answers to these questions, you can ask yourself, are any of these not really? Kind of the way I did with my daughter and the dishes, and I think you'll probably be able to disprove a lot of them right out of the gate. But if any of them are legitimate, if they really are things that are concerning to you, then you can take action. You can set some expectations or rules about this. You can decide to do things a little differently, or you can find areas where you can improve as a. I hope this process will be really helpful for you and reduce or even eliminate the number of times that you get triggered by your teen's behavior. If you want more help with this, schedule a parenting strategy session (https://client.jenbelltate.com/freemini) with me. It's completely free and it's an opportunity for me to help you with the specific challenges you are dealing with with your teen.
