Last week on the podcast, we talked about the power of words, both the words that are spoken to us and the words that we speak to other people. And before we jumped into that conversation, I gave a little bit of a disclaimer and I said, someone's words cannot hurt you without your permission. And then I moved right on and we talked about the power of words and how they can impact us and how the words that we say to others can impact them. But once that episode aired, I realized very quickly that this concept is brand new to a lot of people. Because I learned this concept so many years ago, I had completely forgotten what a perspective shift that one idea was for me. It completely changed my perspective on my role in relationships and my role in creating the life that I want. So today I want to talk more about this idea that other people's words cannot hurt us without our permission. I want to share a little bit of the science behind it and some examples of how it might be impacting you in your life so that you can feel more empowered in your relationships as well. When someone says something to us or about us, it does not impact us at all until we have a thought about what they said. Can you think of a time when someone said something unkind about you behind your back, and then you found out about it later? When they said those words, they did not hurt you. What happened is when you heard that they said those words, you had a thought about it, which caused your brain to produce a chemical that sent a vibration through your body as an emotion or a feeling. If it had in fact been the words themselves that hurt you, the minute they said those words, you would have immediately felt pain. But it wasn't the words that caused you pain. It was the thought you had about the words that caused you the pain. Now, I want to make sure that it's clear that this doesn't mean you did anything wrong, it just means that you are a human operating the way a normal human operates. We have thoughts about the words that people say. That is part of our human nature. It is how we try to make sense of and give meaning to our lives and the things that are happening around us. But, while this is a normal and natural part of being a human, that doesn't mean we are all that good at giving meaning to other people's words. Have you ever been in a room with someone and you were both part of the same conversation, but the way each of you interpreted what the other person said was very, very different? This is because there are a lot of factors that come into play that influence the meaning that we give to other people's words. One of these factors is simply the lens through which we view the world, and that's based on our past life experiences. If we have had a lot of really positive interactions in relationships, we might go into a conversation and expect that someone's words are going to mean something positive. And if we've had a lot of negative interactions in relationships, we might come in on the defensive, looking for the ways that their words might be hurtful, and we will give the words a totally different meaning. Another factor that might come into play is our own assumptions. Our assumptions about the person, our assumptions about the relationship we have with that person, our assumptions about ourselves, our assumptions about the situation. All of those can influence the meaning that we give to someone else's words. Another factor that comes into play is our deeply held values and our beliefs. Now, a great example of this that I think just about anyone can relate to is when talking about politics, the values and beliefs that you hold are going to very deeply impact the meaning you give to what someone else says. If you are aligned in your political beliefs, you're going to be much more open and welcoming to what they have to say. And if you are not aligned. You are likely to be more close minded to, and maybe even offended by the things they say, because it directly opposes the things that you hold as values and the things that you believe. So all of these things, the lens through which we see the world, our past experiences, the assumptions we make, the beliefs and values that we have, are impacting the meaning that we give to someone else's words. In reality, It is impossible for us to ever know what someone else's intention is behind what they say. Even if they tell us what their intention was, we still don't know. We still might question whether or not they're telling us the truth. So the meaning that we give to other people's words is up to us. Now, as I mentioned last week, I think it's really important to be conscientious of the words that we speak to others and be aware of the impact they might be having on others because other people are giving our words meaning all the time. But even if we have the best of intentions and we choose our words very, very carefully, we cannot control the meaning that someone else is going to give those words. Every time we give meaning to the words other people speak to us, it is our choice. It is our choice to think that words are rude. It is our choice to think that words are disrespectful. It is our choice to think that words are offensive. We are the one giving the words meaning. But Jen, shouldn't people be responsible for the things they say? Shouldn't they try and be kind? Shouldn't they try and be inclusive? Shouldn't they try and be sensitive? Yes, of course. I think it would be wonderful if we were all more aware of the impact that our words can have on others. But I want to give you your power back because nobody's words can do anything to you. without you having a thought about it. And the meaning that you choose to give to someone else's words is up to you. Now, you might still choose to be offended by someone's words or to think that someone's words are disrespectful or rude. That's okay. When someone swears at me and calls me names, I don't want to think, Oh, they're so nice. No, I want to think, I think that was really rude. And I want to feel the feelings that are associated with that because I don't want people to treat me that way. And I don't want to be okay with people treating me that way. But I know that I am choosing to give that meaning to their words. I also know that their words about me mean so much less about me and so much more about them and the current emotional state that they are in. So let's give some examples so that you can see how this might be impacting your parenting in your home. These are all actual real life examples that I have personally seen. For the first example, the parent asks the teenager to take out the garbage, and the teenager says, no. And the parent feels angry and resentful and frustrated because they're making the word no mean, my child is so disrespectful. They know better than this. They cannot talk to me like that. And you can probably relate to this, right? Because when our teenagers say no, we often feel this way. The crazy thing is, the only person who feels resentful and frustrated and angry is you. You're the one suffering because of the meaning you gave to these words. Ironically, when you respond from resentful, angry, or frustrated, you are likely to make the situation a whole lot worse. Another entirely possible option is that when your teenager says no, You could think, wow, that was an unusual response. I wonder what's going on for them. And instead of feeling resentful and angry and frustrated, you would get to feel curious and empathetic. Not only does that feel so much better for you as a parent, But it also is so much more likely that from that place of empathy and curiosity, you will approach your teen in a way that will invite a solution and a resolution and more connection with them. Another example is that a parent might plan a really fun outing for their family so that everyone can be together as a family and have a good time. And the teenager says, I don't want to go. And the parent feels rejected and worried and stressed because they think they used to love hanging out with me and now they don't. And I feel like I'm just losing this child. Nothing I do ever makes a difference. And I'll tell you what, when you feel rejected and worried and stressed, you are going to show up to your interactions with your teen with an energy that is so needy and it is going to push them away even more. But instead, what if the only meaning you gave to those words was, that's interesting. I wonder why they don't want to go? Then instead of being hurt and offended and stressed and worried, you could just be curious. Your teen cannot hurt your feelings. Your teen cannot make you feel disrespected. Your teen cannot make you angry. They cannot worry you or stress you out. You are the one who gets to choose the meaning that you give to their words, to their behavior, and to their feelings. And when you do take responsibility for the meaning that you are assigning, you will feel So much better. And your interactions with your teen and everyone else who you apply this principle to will improve. You will have so much more connection and so much more joy in all of your relationships. So I challenge you this week to pay attention to the meaning that you are giving to other people's words. Take back your power and do not allow other people's words to hurt you without your permission. If you need help as you are learning to apply this skill in your life, I would love to support you. You can get personalized help from me on Marco Polo inside of my Enjoy Coaching community, and we can work through the specific challenges that you are dealing with with your teen and the specific words that they are saying and the meaning that you are giving to them and all of the other options that may exist out there. The goal here is not to allow or reinforce your teen's bad behavior. That is not what we're after at all. The goal is to allow you to have a better emotional experience so that you can respond in a way that allows you to find solutions, solve problems, and most importantly, to have more connection with your teen, because that is going to impact their behavior more than anything else you can do.
