88. Words Can Hurt === Have you ever heard the phrase, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Well, I am here to tell you that that statement is false. I actually had a really great conversation about this phrase with my twins who are in fifth grade. And they mentioned this phrase and I was like, what do you think about that? Do you think that's true? And they were like, no, not really. And it turns out they had seen so many examples of how words could be very cruel and very hurtful to other people. Now, as a coach, I feel like it is my moral obligation to remind you that you get to decide how you interpret other people's words. Someone's words cannot hurt you without your permission. And so we get to be intentional and we get to decide what we want to make other people's words mean about us. But that takes some effort and that takes some intention. And sometimes the words people speak to us have an impact on us without us even realizing that they do. Recently, I was talking with a coach friend of mine and as we were talking, I don't even remember what we were discussing, but a memory came to my mind that I had totally forgotten about. When I was in seventh grade, I was in a gym class with a girl that I knew a little bit. I, we weren't friends and we weren't close, but I knew her and our lockers were right near each other. And one day after class, she said to me, are you going to put makeup on? And I was like, no, I don't think I need makeup yet. And she looked me dead in the eyes and she said, yeah, you do. I was a pretty confident kid. And so in that moment, I probably just rolled my eyes and shrugged my shoulders and laughed it off and didn't think about it again. And to be honest with you, I haven't thought about that moment in almost 20 years. But I realized when I had this memory pop back up, that ever since I started wearing makeup. I have not gone anywhere without mascara on or my eyelashes done. In fact, for many, many years, I haven't even taken my mascara off to sleep. Now, a few years ago, I decided to start doing fake eyelashes. So I use some drugstore eyelashes that I glue on and they stay on for about a week. And so that's what I do now. And so I sleep in them. I wake up with them and they are always on. But before that, I wore mascara to go work out at the gym. I wore mascara to go swimming and boating. I even took mascara on backpacking trips. And when I went camping. Well, after I had this realization, I thought to myself, why in the world would I allow the words that an insecure teenage girl said to me in a moment of thoughtlessness affect how I feel about myself as an adult woman. So much to the point that I don't even feel like I can leave the house or go to sleep without my eyelashes done. So last Thursday night. My eyes were really itchy and they were bothering me. And so I took off my false eyelashes. The next morning I was scheduled to teach a fitness class. And I thought to myself, I am not going to put on new eyelashes in the morning before I go to my fitness class. I'm just going to wait until after the fitness class. And as I was getting ready to head out the door, every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I was like, Oh my gosh, I just need to go put on some mascara. But I caught myself subconsciously believing these words that were spoken to me years and years ago. And I decided that I was going to leave my house without my eyelashes done. Well, a few minutes before it was time to leave, I was scrolling on my Instagram feed and I came across a quote that I felt really inspired to share. And so I shared it on my stories and I felt like it needed a little bit of explanation, but I didn't have mascara on and I didn't have my eyelashes done. And I was not about to put my face on the internet with no eyelashes. I mean, going to teach a class with people that know me and love me is one thing, but putting my face on the internet without my eyelashes done, that seemed like too much. And as I went to set my phone down, I realized that once again, I was allowing the words a teenage girl said to me unkindly to impact the way I was showing up in the world as an adult woman. And so I picked that phone back up, with my naked little eyelashes, and I recorded a story directly from my heart, sharing about this quote that I felt so inspired by. And you know what I got comments about? Not my eyelashes. Not my lack of mascara. Instead, I got comments saying, thank you for sharing this. I needed to hear this today. Now, listen, this doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing my eyelashes. I really love the way my eyes look bigger and more open when I have my eyelashes done, but I am going to stop allowing someone else's words to dictate how I show up in my life. So why in the world am I sharing this on a podcast about parenting teens? Well, there are a couple of reasons. First of all, I want you to be aware of the impact that words have on your teenager. They are constantly being exposed to messages from other people about who they are, who they should be, what they should do, how they should act. And it is no wonder that our teens are struggling with their sense of self worth. We have a responsibility as their parents to make sure they understand that they are in charge of deciding what messages they're going to listen to, how they're going to interpret the words people speak to them, and what they are going to allow that to mean about them. We also have an opportunity here as parents to make sure that the words we speak to our children are words that will lift them, that will help them feel more like their true selves, that will help them see the goodness in themselves and not hold them back or hold them hostage. The words we speak to and about our teens and the labels we give them, whether positive or negative, are impacting the way our teens see themselves. And we need to be aware of that and conscious of that, so that we can make sure we are intentional with the words we speak to our children. The other reason that I think this concept is so important for us to understand as parents of teenagers is that, whether we realize it or not, the words people have spoken to us throughout our lives. are impacting the way we show up in the world. And they are likely impacting the way we parent our children. For most of us, the words that have been spoken to us have shaped our beliefs about what we should do, how we should parent, who we should be, how our children should behave. And I want to give you permission to question all of it. You don't have to believe any of it. When you find yourself doing things because that's the way you've always done it, or that's the right way, or that's what people expect. I want you to question those beliefs. I want you to take the time to think back on where that belief came from. What was it that someone said to you at some point that made you believe that that was true? And then decide with intention whether or not you want to continue to believe that. You are an adult. You are a grown up in charge of your own life. You get to decide what meaning you want to give to the things that people have said to you and about you throughout your life. That, my friend, is true power. Not only will this help you feel extremely empowered and much more fulfilled with your life, but it will set an example for your children that they also get to decide what meaning they want to give to the words that people speak to them. I want to encourage you to think about the things that have come to your mind as you have listened to this podcast today. I want you to think about what you have felt and what you have remembered, and I want you to decide on purpose what you are going to do with those messages that have come directly to you. I would absolutely love to hear any takeaways or ah ha's you've had as you've listened to this podcast episode today. So you can send me a message over @jenbelltate on Instagram, or you can find me in my free Facebook group: teens are not the worst.
