84. Equal Airtime === There's a tool that has come up in my coaching a few times recently, and I thought it deserved a place here on the podcast because it's a tool that I think can benefit just about every parent of a teenager. This tool is especially helpful for people who worry a lot. And let's be honest, when our kids are teenagers, that is the peak time for us to worry about them. They're out on their own, they're doing things that are potentially risky. We aren't there all the time. So of course it's a time when we feel worried about them more than we have maybe in the past. This tool is called Equal Airtime, and the basic idea of it is that when we worry, we think about all the potential negative outcomes that could happen. Whether or not those are realistic, that's what our brain tends to focus on, which is why we're worrying. But, We want to give equal air time to all of the potential positive outcomes that could happen because those are just as likely. The truth is, no matter what we are worrying about, it is something that will happen in the future. And we can't possibly know what is going to happen in the future. Our brain always takes a really good guess based on what's happened in the past, based on what we think might happen, but we really don't know. There are so many factors that could come into play that could impact what happens in the future. But our brain is wired to go to all of the most negative potential outcomes. That's just how we are as humans. That is what helps us to survive. By anticipating the potential dangers, we are able to avoid them and plan for them. So that is why our brain is always going to go to the negative potential outcomes. But, what is also true is that your brain is a master creator. The things that you think about and create in your mind are the things that you will then create in the world. A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to get a treadmill. I had made a goal to go walking every single day and I thought having a treadmill would really help me, especially on those days in the summer when it gets really hot here in Arizona. And even if you go. At like seven o'clock in the morning. It is already 90 plus degrees outside. Also, my girls had mentioned that they would like to have a treadmill and so I thought this is the perfect solution. I talked to my husband about it and I started researching treadmills and thinking about saving up for a treadmill. Since I had treadmills on the brain, I was talking to a friend of mine and it came up in our conversation that I was thinking about getting a treadmill. A few days later, this same friend sent me a text message and said, my next door neighbor, just put a treadmill out on their driveway. They're giving it away for free. Do you want me to go and grab it for you? Now had, I never had the thought that I wanted to get a treadmill and started to think about it and research it. And talk about it in my random conversations with a friend. My friend never would have thought, when she saw that treadmill sitting on her neighbor's driveway, to call me and say, Hey, do you want to treadmill in your garage? But because I had mentioned it to her because I had been thinking about it . It all worked out that I was able to get a free, fully working fantastic treadmill to put in my garage within a week of having this idea. Your brain is a master at turning the thoughts you think into the reality you experience in the world. What you think about, you will create, even if that happens, subconsciously. Let's look at another example that I think just about everyone in the world can probably relate to. I want you to think back to a time when you thought someone else was mad at you. Maybe you said something or did something that you thought might have offended them or upset them, and you think to yourself, They are so mad at me. If you've had that experience, I want you to think back to it. And see if you can relate to any of this. You start to see every little thing they do as evidence that they are mad at you. If they don't call you for a couple of days, you're like, I'm sure it's because they're mad at me. See, they're mad at me. Or if they take an hour and a half to text you back, you think, oh, it must be because they're mad at me. You start to read every text they send you in an angry or sarcastic tone. Right? We start to pick apart every single little thing they do, because we think they are mad at us. And not only that, but we start to behave toward them as if they are mad at us. We get defensive very easily. We start walking on eggshells, trying to avoid making them even more upset. And all of this mind drama results in us being weird and awkward around them. And because we're not being ourselves and we're getting defensive and we're walking on eggshells and we're picking apart every little thing they do, we might actually end up making them mad at us, even if they weren't mad at us already. It is crazy what our brain will do to create the things that we think about. This is also true when it comes to your parenting. The more you think about the potential negative outcomes, the more likely it is that you will create those potential negative outcomes. Here's an example. When I was a teenager, my mom got on my case about making my bed. So I started making my bed every day. But every single day after I had made my bed, my mom would come in and she would see my bed that I had made and it wasn't up to her standards and she would remake my bed. Well, after a while, my very intelligent teenage brain was like, she is going to make this bed anyway. So I'm going to just stop making the bed. There's no reason for me to make it and then have her unmake it and remake it. She can just remake it from the beginning and I won't waste my time. Years later, as a mom myself, I can totally relate to what my mom might've been thinking. She probably would come in that room and think to herself, this bed never looks good unless I make it. And she was probably super frustrated. But the more she thought that, the more she went ahead and made the bed, well, up to her standards, and the more I thought, I am not going to make this bed if she's just going to come in and redo it. She created the situation where she had to make the bed every day. The truth is, she didn't have to make the bed. I had made it. And she didn't have to make the bed when I didn't make it either. She was choosing to do that because she thought the bed needed to be made and it needed to be made up to the standard that she felt was appropriate. Her beautiful, incredible brain had the idea that if the bed was going to look good, she was going to have to make it. And she made that true. So with this in mind, that our brain is really, really good at creating whatever it is that we spend our time and energy thinking about, it makes total sense that we wouldn't want to spend all of our time worrying about potential negative outcomes. In fact, we want to spend just as much, if not more time, thinking about the positive potential outcomes. While, it could be true that if your child fails this class, they might end up not going to college and living in a van down by the river. It could also be true that if your child ends up failing this class, That could be the very thing they write about in their college essay that helps them get into college and become a very, very successful adult. While hanging out with this group of friends might get your teen into trouble. It could also be true that your teen could have a positive impact on this group of kids. And they could end up being friends for life and so grateful to your child for being the positive influence that helped them make better choices. This is what we call equal airtime. We want to give as much airtime or more to the positive potential outcomes as we do to the negative potential outcomes. Now we are not talking about toxic positivity here. We're not talking about believing that everything is rainbows and daisies and it's all going to work out for us all the time and everything's going to be perfect. That is not what equal airtime is about. Worrying about the negative potential outcomes is biologically wired in us for a reason. It helps us plan and prepare and avoid making decisions that are going to lead to a potentially devastating outcome. But at the same time, the more we FOCUS on those negative potential outcomes, the more likely they are to happen. When we consider the positive potential outcomes, right alongside all those worries that we have, we have a better picture of what could happen, and we are better able to empower our kids and prepare them to make better decisions. When we consider both options, we are able to turn the worst case scenario into a better case scenario -maybe even the best case scenario. But only if we've thought through what those potential positive outcomes could be. So use your worry as a tool. Use it to consider the potential downsides and dangers. And then, challenge yourself to give equal airtime to the potential positive possibilities. Ask yourself, what if it all works out? What if this is the best thing that has ever happened to me? What if this is exactly what I have been searching for and waiting for? These questions will get your mind focused on the possibilities, the potential outcomes that you would really want in your life, and not just on the things that you're worried about. Now, I totally understand that this is challenging. It is challenging to consider that maybe this is the best thing that could possibly happen to your child when you are worried that this might be the worst possible thing that could happen to your child. But I want to encourage you to try it. Give some airtime to the possibilities, because I have seen over and over and over. In my parenting, that sometimes those things that I dreaded the most ended up being the very best thing for my child. Those outcomes that I was working so hard to prevent ended up being exactly what they needed in that moment. And helped them develop traits and qualities in themselves that have helped them many times in the years to come. When we use equal airtime in our parenting, we are able to use worry as a tool to help us plan and prepare and make good decisions that we think are going to serve our kids. And then it gives us space to allow whatever is going to happen, to happen. There's a good chance it might turn out way better than we imagined. But even if it doesn't, sometimes the thing that we have been resisting so much is actually exactly what our child needs in this moment. If you enjoy this podcast and you have considered joining my enjoy community, but something is holding you back. Maybe you think you're not going to have enough time or maybe it won't work for you, or maybe you think things are probably just good enough the way they are. I want to challenge you to give the alternative equal airtime. What if this is exactly what you have been searching for? What if this will completely transform your relationship with your teen and create exactly the relationship that you have always dreamed of having with your teenager? What if this helps prepare you for challenges you don't know are coming? I have seen exactly these positive outcomes for the clients that I work with inside of Enjoy, and I know that that is a possibility for you too. Whenever you're ready, I am so excited to support you even more inside of my ENJOY community.
